Although I haven't posted an update on here in over a year, most of you likely know that I have been fortunate enough to have had good scans since then and have remained on Xeloda, an oral chemotherapy regimen. While Xeloda comes with some challenging side effects, it has been completely tolerable for me. The hardest part has been what is called, palmar-plantar erythrodyesthia, also known as hand-foot syndrome. This is a side effect of certain chemo drugs that causes redness, swelling, blistering, burning, and peeling on the palms of the hands and feet. While I have experienced pain and discomfort, I have learned how to live with it and not allow it to limit me too much. I was hopeful I would be able to remain on this drug for years to come. That will not be the case. Thursday morning I received some really difficult scan results. The tumor in my liver has doubled in size and my bone mets have spread like wildfire. Cancer has now infiltrated my cervical, thoracic, and lumbar spine, sacrum, pelvis, hips, femurs, shoulder blades, clavicles, arms, and even my skull. Several of these areas were already affected by the rogue breast cancer cells, but many are new, and it is frightening. It is abundantly clear that the treatment I’ve been on for the last year and a half is no longer working. One more treatment option now off the table. My only remaining options from this point forward will involve IV chemotherapy. I leave for California tomorrow afternoon for a work trip and won't be back until next Sunday. So first thing Monday morning, February 27, I will have an outpatient surgical procedure to have a port placed in my chest. Twelve years ago I had my first port put it and wrote about it here. It's pretty crazy to go back and read that post because many of the emotions I was experiencing then, mirror much of what I am feeling now. It felt like such a victory to be able to have the port removed a year later so learning I had to get a new one put in, felt like a gut punch in a way I didn't expect. It's such a visual reminder that I am in treatment - that I have cancer - that I am sick. And I hate that. On Thursday, March 2, I will start IV chemotherapy. The new treatment plan will involve an infusion once every three weeks, so that my body has time to recover between rounds. The main side effects of this drug are nausea, fatigue, anemia, pneumonitis, low white cell counts (higher risk of infections). There is about a 50% chance I will lose my hair. I have shared this news with my closest circle, and then allowed myself a few days to really process it all. I am proud of the inner strength I know I possess, and thankful that I am an optimistic person by nature. But I would be lying if I said this wasn't tough.
Life carries on and so have I - working the rest of the day Thursday and Friday, going to my hair appointment, cheering on our cousin at his lacrosse game, brunch with girlfriends that we have had planned for weeks. Those moments I am able to be distracted by the usual busyness and joys of every day life. But it's the moments in between, alone with my own thoughts, that the tidal wave of emotions and fear comes rolling in. I worked so hard after my initial Stage IV diagnosis to reach a place where I could let myself have hopes and dreams again - where I believed it would be okay to plan for a future. As more years passed, I started to believe it more and more and it started to feel less like a pipe dream when Mike and I would talk about things like owning an A-frame cabin up north, or where we would go in the winters when we could be snowbirds one day. I still have so many dreams - so much I want to plan - things I want to do - memories I want to make - thousands of days I just am begging to wake up next to Mike and fall asleep holding his hand. I am terrified to leave him and to leave my beautiful life. And there goes the spiral of thoughts that I am working so hard to push back. Scared if I let myself dwell there, I won't be able to pull myself out. My goal is to stay as present as I can, for as long as I can. Today, in this moment, I feel just as good as I did four days ago before the this news was dropped upon us. I will try like hell to remain tethered to the present, to not live in a place of fear or what if's - to not waste my precious time that way. But I am human, and it is hard. So that is all I know for now. I am sure more updates are to come. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful for our incredible support system that reaches far and wide, and buoys us up during such difficult times. It means the world. xoxo, Meg
36 Comments
Corinne
2/19/2023 03:09:45 pm
Sending love, prayers, and all the healing thoughts I can.
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Becca (Jose) Duprey
2/19/2023 03:11:15 pm
Meg
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Mary Jane Hsu
2/19/2023 03:13:05 pm
Oh dear Meghan and Mike, the love and prayers continue to flow. For your strength and healing and whatever you want and need the most! 💕💓💕
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Jackie OShea
2/19/2023 03:29:43 pm
Meghan sending love and prayers to a very special person. The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.
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Michael T. Malley
2/19/2023 03:55:28 pm
Meghan,
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Julie Anne Hughey
2/19/2023 03:58:13 pm
Surrounding you with prayers for peace and protection from the hardest thoughts and healing and comfort for your body and soul. Your light continually shines so bright and beautiful. You are an amazing blessing to this world. Not sure where in CA you are this trip - but if you’re close to San Diego and need anything at all, don’t hesitate to let us know. Hugs.
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Lindsay Luxon
2/19/2023 04:02:35 pm
We love you so much! Wrapping you up in our love, thoughts and prayers as you continue your journey. Your strength and resilience is admirable. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you!
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Amanda
2/19/2023 04:07:32 pm
Sending all the love, hugs and prayers. You are so incredibly strong and inspiring and I look forward to seeing your many more adventure photos!
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Sally Hout
2/19/2023 04:13:46 pm
Dearest Meghan and Mike,
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Kim
2/19/2023 04:20:17 pm
❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏 you are incredible, so very strong. Sending so much love and support reading this update. I’d say stay positive and know you will try but it’s okay of course to be scared and lean on your love Mike.
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Jenny Flanagan
2/19/2023 04:20:42 pm
Meghan, you are in our prayers in so many ways. May God give you peace, provision for the treatments to work effectively, and protection. You are still and will always be my She-ro and I thank you for the update, your transparency, and your faith. While you are still human and have the scary thoughts, you are still such a vessel of God’s power and a living breathing testimony that He does miracles! Love you so much Girlie! Like I said I would not have gotten through even my first few months of my battle if I hadn’t met you and have you as an advocate!
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Zak Renzetti-Voit
2/19/2023 04:20:46 pm
Praying for you, Meg
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Terry and Rita
2/19/2023 04:32:45 pm
Dearest Meghan and Mike, We are so stunned by this news. Meghan you are a strong and beautiful person and we are praying that you will come through this as strong as ever. We love you! Terry and Rita
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TiYana
2/19/2023 04:34:13 pm
Meghan,
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Corinne
2/19/2023 04:43:11 pm
Meghan, it broke my heart to read this. I pray the chemo treatments can fight this horrible disease. You are such an incredible person and I hold you in my heart and thoughts always. All my love to you beautiful friend ♥️
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Nancy
2/19/2023 04:44:15 pm
Meghan, my heart hurts reading your post. Thank you for sharing your journey. You and Mike will be in my prayers for strength when you need it, and for peace every day as you fight this fight. Sending you and Mike so much love.
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Margaret Matthews
2/19/2023 06:38:56 pm
Meghan,
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Melissa Dinslage
2/19/2023 06:47:43 pm
Meghan,
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Mary Rose
2/19/2023 07:18:25 pm
Dear Meghan, thank you for your courage and authenticity in sharing your update. My heart is broken and I’m feeling your fear and pain. Please let all who love you and Mike carry some of your burden. You are not alone dear one. You are a miracle. You are light and love. Stay in hopeful warrior mode. We will pray and do all we can to walk with you. Love you to pieces.
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Barbara K Funk
2/19/2023 08:57:09 pm
Holding the vision of inner peace for you and family as you begin this medical intervention. You are part of a huge universe of supportive friends and family . Let our collective consciousness allow an ease of moving forward . Much love
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Liz Thiel
2/19/2023 08:57:35 pm
Meghan,
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Julie Cooper
2/19/2023 09:20:33 pm
Meg… my heart is heavy for you and I can feel your fear and pain in this post. You are so strong and courageous and have handled all of this with such grace and bravery. Sending you so much love and prayers for healing, peace, and strength. ❤️
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Liz Mansfield
2/19/2023 09:30:32 pm
Meg, your strength, grace and bravery have always been a huge part of your light. Sending prayers, hugs and love to both you and Mike. I’m thinking if you often.
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Tracy Adlington
2/19/2023 09:35:12 pm
Meghan, we are sending you so much love!!🤗❤️
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Mary Hart
2/19/2023 09:41:33 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Chanel
2/19/2023 10:54:27 pm
Meghan,
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Kristy Allison
2/20/2023 12:49:28 pm
Meg -
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Julie
2/20/2023 10:04:55 pm
Meghan sending you a trillion hugs and as much love and light from my heart to yours. Can we organize a group prayer circle for you so can all pray for you in coherence at the same time? I would be happy to organize/facilitate. Love you friend. You have my number feel free to text me if you’d like…I can reach out to the 210 girls. ❤️
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Deb and Bob Hart
2/21/2023 11:24:33 am
We are so so sorry to hear this news. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers and our sending positive thoughts. Hoping the new chemo works its magic
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Constance
2/23/2023 07:15:40 pm
Meghan♥️ The heart and the courage you have is beyond amazing. You walk thru this has encouraged me in so many ways. Yes you are human and fear is natural especially when things are beyond your control. It’s ok to cry and lean on those who love you. I know I haven’t worked with you since the early 2000s, but you were ALWAYS one of my favorites!!! Praying for you♥️
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Cathy
2/23/2023 07:20:54 pm
Sending hugs and kisses my friend ❤️❤️❤️
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Christie Simony
2/23/2023 09:50:33 pm
Meghan,
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Barb
2/26/2023 09:34:15 pm
Meghan Honey, I was just heartsick reading your blog. I am sending love your way, and praying the new chemo regiment and your amazing strength and positive outlook will continue to sustain you. You are truly an inspiration to me.
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Kathy Richgels
3/8/2023 08:27:27 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Brian S.
3/13/2023 02:04:29 pm
Meghan,
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