Sometimes I feel at a loss for words...and for those of you that know me well, you know this is a rare occurrence. ;) Today is one of those days where I am not really quite sure how I feel, what I want to say, how I want to say it. I feel like I am on a teeter totter and I am one slight move away from either falling into that dark space or lifting up into a place of sunshine and gratitude. I am having trouble sorting out the thoughts in my head and in my heart and I am desperately trying to stay in the positive, live in the moment, smile, laugh, and be thankful. Although this journey is going to be the most trying of my life, I know that there is still so much to be grateful for. I am grateful for the constant support and love from my INCREDIBLE husband, my mom & Doug, and all of our friends and relatives. You all have no idea how much of an impact you have on us right now - how your words and gestures truly can turn around a really tough day, and make it brighter again. So please keep the love coming! This morning Mike, my mom, and I headed downtown to Karmanos in order to have minor surgery to get my port placed for chemo. A chemotherapy port is a small device inserted under the skin (below my collarbone) with a catheter that is connected to the subclavian vein, which then connects to the superior vena cava. The advantage of this pump is that the veins in my arm won't be so beat up with the constant injections from chemo, and blood can also be drawn through the port. You can read more about it here and enlarge the picture at the bottom of the link for more details. My check-in time was 8am but the procedure didn't actually take place until after noon. The hours in between were spent getting poked for an IV and blood draw, chatting about upcoming appointments, making each other laugh, and talking about how amazing lunch at The Fly Trap would be. I was not allowed to eat or drink after midnight last night and I was starving! Because I was so hungry, I opted out of the sedation...that's some serious hunger! :) They said that I would have to wait 2 hours in recovery if I chose to be sedated, so I said "scrap it" and just had local anesthesia. The procedure took less than an hour and we were on our way. It's definitely bizarre to have this artificial device in my chest and have yet one more scar to tell the tale of this disease. Off to lunch we went and we were all feeling good and enjoying the beautiful sunshine. We were soon reminded that we were still riding this crazy roller coaster when I got the call from Dr. F's nurse. As we feared, the MRI results of my spine are again inconclusive. They are definitely worried about the spot at T12 as well as a few other spots that the MRI showed. I also discovered that I have a herniated disc at T5, which as a PT, this surprised me because a thoracic level herniation is rare. So, now we wait...again! I will now have to get a biopsy of my T12 vertebra, which will definitely be the final answer as to whether this cancer has infiltrated my spine. If it has, this means we are looking at Stage 4 level of disease and I can't begin to tell you how terrifying this is. Needless to say, this put a little damper on our lunch, and the three of us had a very real, emotional, and difficult conversation. No matter what stage this disease is, I will battle it with everything I have - but the worry I have for those that love me the most, just about brings me to my knees. Seeing the fear and worry in their eyes is worse than any physical pain I will ever endure. Thankfully, there is some good news mixed in there... #1 - the spots in my spine could still end up being nothing and this would be the most amazing news ever! My wonderful brother, Jeff gives me the best pep talks lately and reminded me that there is just as good of a chance that this is not cancer and that we need to stay hopeful! #2 - Surprisingly enough, I found out yesterday that most of my genetic test results are in and I am negative for the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genetic mutations! This was shocking news to the genetic counselors, and my family. We thought for sure this was genetic and so now it makes me wonder, why the heck do I have this?! The answer to this question doesn't even matter, but can't help but wonder. There is still one genetic test that we don't have the results yet for- so there is a chance it could be that genetic mutation. This negative result is actually very good news for a variety of reasons because it reduces my chance of other cancers and further complications. Due to today's recent developments regarding the need for another biopsy, my chemo treatments have been delayed. The results of the T12 biopsy could change the course of my treatment, so we now have to wait (ugh - I hate that word!!!) to see what this test shows. We should be getting a call tomorrow to schedule the biopsy for early next week. I think we will all feel better once these tests and preliminary measures are over and treatment can finally begin! To wake up each morning and fall asleep each night knowing this cancer is inside me trying to rob me of my healthy future, is enough to drive me crazy. I cannot wait to begin treatment so I can officially start the real fight! Bring it on! I have an absolutely incredible weekend ahead of me and I am so thankful for that. After my MUGA scan tomorrow morning for my heart, I am heading to opening day with Jeff. This is how I know he is very worried about his little sister--I teased him by saying, "look what I have to go through to get an invite to a Tiger's game!" Saturday is going to be a complete blast spent with some of my best friends as we paint and redecorate my bedroom. My extremely creative and talented friend Julie has designed an entire new bedroom for Mike and I so that we can have our own little sanctuary to help us heal. I am beyond excited to see it all come together and have this incredible space to relax and recover in! As if all of this isn't incredible enough, Sunday is what our family friend Gina calls a "love fest"! Many of our family and friends are coming over Sunday afternoon to spend some time with us and share their love before my treatment begins. I am so grateful that Gina had this wonderful idea and I know it will be a fabulous day. If you aren't busy from 2-4pm, come by and say hello :) I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend with the ones you love. I can't help but thank you again for your love & support. It is the best gift of all! xoxo, Meg It was a bit of a challenge to get decent pics of the port since I was taking them myself. The port gets a little cut off in this first image but you can see the incision in the bottom of the image and that's where the port is. There is also another small incision just next to my collarbone. Side view let's you see that I now look like I could be a member of Star Trek with this lovely, freakish protrusion sticking out from my chest. And because pretty flowers always make me smile....some macro images of my tulips...
82 Comments
Doug
4/7/2011 12:40:05 pm
I still can't believe your inspiring attitude. You are the one with a terrible diagnosis, yet you, with your words and attitude, are making all of us feel so special. I am so thankful for you.
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Gina V,
4/7/2011 12:55:53 pm
What a tough day you had to
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Helena
4/7/2011 01:05:17 pm
You are amazing.
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Kara
4/7/2011 01:16:28 pm
I agree with Gina. We are all going through this with you! I wake up in the morning knowing that this cancer will all be gone soon, like a bad dream, and I go to sleep thinking the same. Your strength astounds me! The last place you would find me if I had cancer is at work doing paperwork!! But you do it because you care so much about your patients. I wish I could be half as selfless as you have been over the last few years I've known you. I know that stubborn T12 will prove to be nothing in the biopsy. Opening day here we come. Go tigers!!
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Kara
4/7/2011 01:17:34 pm
Oh yeah, love the maco pics! They are my fave!! :-)
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Julie Doman
4/7/2011 01:20:09 pm
This waiting period will be over so soon and in the meantime all of your friends and family will help you get through these hard days. I can't wait for this weekend!
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Aunt Carol
4/7/2011 01:24:16 pm
I feel like a broken record but Meghan you absolutely amaze me. We are all with you in thought & prayer but I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. Please just know that we love you and are here for you in any way possible.
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Niche
4/7/2011 01:25:28 pm
I've been stalking the blog all day wonder how your day was:) I cry when I think about all the emotions that are running through you- your truthfulness and honesty is beautiful and inspiring, and I BELIEVE it will help your spirit & soul keep fighting this! We all so badly wish we could take this all away, I know I wish I could pleed with God to stop this terrifying ordeal- but I KNOW God and ALL of us are walking right beside you and there are no other option but to go through this dark place, do it with GRACE (as you are already every minute!) and come out the other side with such a wonderful depth of soul and love in your heart! "One day at a time" is sometimes the most frustrating phrase in the world to hear, but it is true- I know you will continue to get through this each day until it's all over and you can move on! This is NEVER going to define who you are, it'll just help "season" you:)
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aunt ree
4/7/2011 01:29:45 pm
i read this over and over..still absorbing all the emotions. your words make me feel like i
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Cousin Caitlin
4/7/2011 01:30:56 pm
Meghan-- I am sending you and your family LOVE and LIGHT as you weather this storm. Johnny and I are moving back to Michigan this fall (he is starting a doctorate at U of M) and I can't wait to fight this thing with you in any and every way possible! You have a team of warriors by your side, Beautiful Woman. I love you and Mike so much and I am SO amazed by your strength and courage and beautiful openness. XOXO, Caitlin
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Elizabeth
4/7/2011 01:37:12 pm
I can only imagine how much this waiting game sucks! I am praying the time moves quickly so you can get all the answers you need and move towards the battling this damn disease! Your courage and powerful words on your blog continue to amaze me. I must admit I reread many of the entries and do get very emotional for you. I just hate to see you struggle and deal with all of this.
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Meghan,
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Aunt Bev
4/7/2011 02:25:42 pm
Hi Meghan,
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Michael_T_Malley
4/7/2011 02:31:33 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Becca J
4/7/2011 02:34:28 pm
Meg
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Shelly Dunlop
4/7/2011 02:35:13 pm
Dearest Meghan,
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Sally
4/7/2011 02:41:06 pm
Dearest Meghan, How did you get so mature beyond your years? I kind of think your Mom had a hand in that. I think of you both all day long and I know in my heart that you are going to beat this thing. You have a big job ahead of you and you are tackling it with sheer determination that is just amazing. Enjoy your fun filled weekend and then you can get on with the job at hand. You are definitely up to the task of kicking butt and I for one am here to cheer you on!
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Sue Teggart
4/7/2011 02:45:03 pm
Meghan,
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Becca Peters
4/7/2011 03:09:16 pm
Meghan,
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Kiki
4/7/2011 03:31:37 pm
Oh Friend, I have been thinking about you all day, so glad that the procedure went well today and that you finally got some food! :) I agree with Jeff...maybe the spot at T12 is just some not serious foggy-ness, praying strong and hard that the bone biopsy comes back a big fat negative. I continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love from your family and friends, it continues to show how special you are to SO MANY people, its incredible!
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Mike Fern
4/7/2011 03:43:36 pm
Meghan & Mike
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Mary Jane Hsu
4/7/2011 03:50:28 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Sarah
4/7/2011 03:57:43 pm
I love hearing that Jeff is being such a pep talker! Have the BEST time at Opening Day!!! See your pretty face on Sunday ladyyyy :)
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Gina V.
4/7/2011 05:11:13 pm
Peace to you.
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Laura Martin
4/7/2011 05:21:40 pm
I send positive vibes to you each time I begin my yoga and set my intention. Can't wait to see the before/after pics of your room. Poo showed me the inspiration board and it is lovely. Thinking of you!
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Sandy
4/7/2011 05:26:15 pm
Hi Meghan,
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Don
4/8/2011 01:35:59 am
Cindy and I are thinking of you a lot and as someone told us, every time that we think of someone in need, it's a little prayer for that someone. So we are saying a lot of prayers for you. It's great to read how upbeat you are and that's half the battle right there. Hang in there and know that many, many people are in your corner.
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aunt erin
4/8/2011 01:50:30 am
Root Root Root for the home team...enjoy your day with your big brother sweetie, xoxo
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Brinley
4/8/2011 02:29:57 am
Meg,
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Aunt Carol
4/8/2011 03:07:37 am
Have fun today Meghan! You are in my thoughts.... as always!
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Sara
4/8/2011 03:17:12 am
Meg ~ you are so beautiful inside and out! Scars are proof that you've truly lived and you're not alone in having them. You are NEVER alone <3 I'm so proud to call you my friend, and thank you for sharing this incredibly difficult journey with us.
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Chelsea
4/8/2011 03:32:47 am
Again, like so many others have professed you inspire me more than I can put into words. I am so happy and excited to see you this weekend and give you a huge hug!!! I hope today is full of fun, laughter, sunshine, and a win for the Tiger's (fingers crossed!) I love you so much! XOXO~Chelki
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Cynthia
4/8/2011 04:12:34 am
Meghan...I look forward to reading your blog everyday. I am sorry for the teeter totter day that you had. Even with reading what you wrote, I can say I have no clue of what you are feeling. So at no time will I ever say to you..I know how you feel. I only wish I could take it all away. You or I, or anyone else cannot possibly reason everything out, for there are things beyond human understanding. Never loose sight that you are comforted by love, infused with strength. That we are here, along with family to be a supportive presence.
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Julie Nicewander and Joe Leibold
4/8/2011 04:48:47 am
Like everyone else who has posted a comment – I have been stalking this blog since Beth sent it to me. Each time I read it – I think about how amazing you are. These words have been said over and over – and that’s because it’s true. In each post you talk about how great your friends and family are – and I believe that they are so great because YOU are so great! Joe and I both agree – we believe with everything we have that you will beat this and be stronger than ever – no matter what! You have an immeasurable amount of strength within you and in your corner – and that’s bigger than anything! Not that you need it because you already have such an amazing group of friends, family, supporters, etc. – but you have two more people in Chicago praying, thinking and cheering for you. I hope your weekend is fantastic – you have such a cool group of friends (again – that’s because you are such a cool person). Love to you and Mike –
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Lori
4/8/2011 05:17:49 am
Meghan,
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Cousin Emily
4/8/2011 05:38:24 am
Megan,
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Amanda Bothen Nagele
4/8/2011 05:39:30 am
Hi Love! So wish we lived closer so I could come to the "love fest." That sounds like such fun! And those tulip photos are beautiful! Love you and praying that those spots are no big thang.
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Bob & Deb Hart
4/8/2011 07:52:32 am
As you have already discovered the ups and downs will happen, and waiting is really hard. Deb survived her ordeal many years ago, and although it was a rocky ride at times, her attitude and support from those closest, made a huge difference. We are amazed at your spirit and continue to think of you every day as you take this challenge head on.
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katie Sheridan
4/8/2011 08:52:35 am
Meghan,
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Barb A
4/8/2011 08:55:57 am
Hi Meghan Honey,
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Nancy Jeffery
4/8/2011 09:20:52 am
Meghan,
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Paulien
4/8/2011 11:25:14 am
Hi megan.
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Diane
4/8/2011 12:45:54 pm
Dear Meghan,
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angela f
4/8/2011 12:59:39 pm
Meg...two short thoughts...
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Aunt Carol
4/8/2011 01:35:42 pm
Enjoy your wonderful weekend Meghan & Mike! We will be thinking about you especially on Sunday afternoon.
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Alex
4/8/2011 02:17:20 pm
You are truly a strong and amazing woman, a true inspiration to us all. I miss seeing you at TRP, keep that positive attitude and fight. Hope to see you soon be well.
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Sheri
4/8/2011 03:01:17 pm
Meghan...you continue to inspire me with your positive attitude and outlook on life. You mean so much to so many people. I can't wait to see you on Sunday. Until then my dear...enjoy the room makeover tomorrow.
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Hayley and J.D.
4/8/2011 03:06:53 pm
Hang in there Meg! We're both really proud of how you've approached this thing. Stay strong and keep us updated. No matter what the news is, we have faith in you and your family's strength and determination.
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nanc
4/8/2011 03:11:56 pm
Meghan, your compassion for those who love you is just another example of your wonderful spirit. I was so looking forward to coming to the love feast on Sunday, but am flying to Baton Rouge to be with Bob for his dad's funeral. I will be thinking of you and know you will be surrounded by love and positive thoughts. Enjoy every minute of your wonderful weekend. I am looking forward to seeing the results of the bedroom redo. xoxo
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Nancy Doman
4/8/2011 03:14:11 pm
Meghan,
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Sven
4/8/2011 03:31:29 pm
Mushee'... So thrilled the Tigers won for you and Chet Lemon! You certainly deserved a great day!
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yjw
4/8/2011 05:04:19 pm
A friend of mine heard of your story thru a student of his and emailed me the information. I am moved deeply by reading this. I can not imagine all that you are going through. Praying for strength and peace as you continue to walk through this.
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Dana Burch
4/9/2011 03:36:56 am
Dear Meghan,
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Janine
4/9/2011 06:47:45 am
So I'm thinkin we need to bump you up a weight class in preparation for the big fight - can't have a featherweight fightin a heavyweight like the big C. So I'm making those yummy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for your love fest:). You may share them or hoard them (I'd hoard them personally, but I know you're waaaayyyy nicer than me so you'll wanna share them).
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Marty and Keely Daley
4/9/2011 08:06:43 am
Meg....you inspire me every day. Marty and I are thinking of you and we are sending you all are positive energy. You can beat this thing...i know it.
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Doug
4/9/2011 03:17:49 pm
Thinking of you tonight. Can't wait for the "lovefest" tomorrow. What a joy you are!
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ree ree
4/9/2011 06:30:44 pm
just walked out side..saw a shooting star..but a fog is moving in..how cool...reminded me of ..sista night.. when you heard your mama talkin to herself in the bathroom, she said she couldn't find us..and aunt carol and i were sitting ever soooooo calmly on your deck when u got home....your mama saying we were hiding from her...?!?!?!?! ..how silly..that would never happen.xoxoxo
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Rose Schoen
4/10/2011 02:27:08 am
Hello Megan,
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Usha Ramaprakash
4/10/2011 12:39:04 pm
Hi Meghan,
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Gina V.
4/10/2011 12:40:07 pm
What a wonderful day! So great to see see everyone! May you and Mike enjoy your beautiful bedroom and have sweet dreams tonight! We are here...
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Doug
4/10/2011 12:45:09 pm
A great chance to see family and friends today at the "Love Fest". So glad you had a good day.
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Gina V.
4/10/2011 12:55:58 pm
Whats with the big space?
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Niche
4/10/2011 01:52:33 pm
Today was great and all but I was hoping for more desserts! What a bummer:) lol!
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Diane Daley
4/10/2011 03:59:03 pm
I bet your weekend love fest was wonderful. I know that this is another big week. I know that prayers are blowing your way from both near and far away places. Take care, Meghan Precious~
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Jenny Hoekstra
4/11/2011 03:09:20 am
Loved seeing you yesterday, Meg! Always remember and never forget, I'm never too far away. Love always, Jenny
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Tim Butterfield
4/11/2011 04:29:28 am
Hi Megan,
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Meredith Ellison
4/11/2011 06:47:52 am
Hey Meghan....
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Aunt Carol
4/11/2011 07:35:24 am
Hi guys, I've missed you! I am sure that your house was bursting at the seams yesterday. Should have tried to find a way to bottle the love so you could open it any time you need an extra burst of strength.
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Cousin D
4/11/2011 08:48:38 am
Thinking about you. I read this post and started smiling thinking about CoCo's wedding and how much fun we had picking the bus driver/teammates for the you know what team. Keep kicking this thing girl. I'm going to need my election committee co-chair healthy and strong for our next board meeting in the summer... In the meantime you're constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
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Deb and Bob Hart
4/11/2011 09:19:41 am
You are very fortunate to have such great family and friends to support you through this journey. And you had the best weather day of the year so far!
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Carolyn & Jessica Hallgath
4/11/2011 11:26:19 am
Dear Meghan,
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Ree Ree
4/11/2011 02:30:59 pm
okay..just wrote you some love..but not sure where it went !! my puter timed out ..think its somewhere ..just not sure where ..lol..now i will search the blogs to find it ! good thing you get these as sent.. think of you two...i know friday is a long time away..hang tough my sassy sweet one !! xoxoxo love aunt Lori
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Ree Ree
4/11/2011 03:14:25 pm
I do believe when my puter timed out, my thoughts were lost somewhere in pc space..wanted to tell you soo much how yesterday was such a perfect day..gina's Love Fest was perfect..keep thinking of ..Love Shack's words however ..seems to be our fam's song..just fits..now you will have that song in your head..teehee.. Love your hotel room..such a perfect space for you and the man in pink to put your day's to rest..love it.. love it !! close those baby blues and smile knowing how much you are loved. nite nite sweet baby girl. xoxox aunt Lori
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kelley
4/11/2011 04:35:33 pm
Meg, just wanted to let you know I have prayed very hard all day to get GOOD news on the next entry. I love you and can't wait to see you at Easter...I'm thinking of you in my heart and mind 24/7. xoxo kel
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Aunt Carol
4/12/2011 09:17:21 am
Hey Meghan!
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Tami Daley
4/12/2011 10:45:55 am
Hi Meghan,
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Tami Daley
4/12/2011 10:50:27 am
Hi Meghan,
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Cynthia
4/12/2011 01:33:16 pm
Meghan, I was sitting here thinking of you and your mom...oh how special a mothers love is. I know for a fact that Jan will walk this walk with you, hand in hand. Both of you give yourselves a big hug, and tell yourself, Cynthia loves me. This too shall pass.
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Julie Rais
4/13/2011 02:48:13 am
Megs,
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Sheri
4/13/2011 04:01:08 am
Hey Meghan...I was just thinking about you and thought I would drop you a line. It was so nice seeing you the other day. It was also nice to see all of the people that love and support you. You are an amazing young woman.
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Michael_T_Malley
4/13/2011 09:17:33 am
Dear Meghan,
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Doug
4/13/2011 10:20:26 am
Just thinking of you (as I do most of every day) and wanted to let you know how much inspiration I get from your courage, attitude, and all the other positive characteristics that we all have the honor of seeing in you. You are amazing!
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