I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. A lot of deep thinking. Reflecting. Evaluating. Processing.
I have had a difficult few weeks - for many reasons that I don't even have the energy to get into. I know that the feelings I have experienced lately are justified, and yet I feel that even as I type them I should immediately erase each word and be grateful for all of my blessings. I am discovering that I don't quite understand how to let myself have tough days and feel those heartbreaking emotions, and let myself cry and be sad for a bit, without feeling like I am ungrateful. If I am stressed out, upset or frustrated and try to process those emotions, I immediately feel like I need to just let it all go and stop complaining because I know how much worse everything could be. I remind myself that my scans came out good so how dare I worry or complain about anything. I found out today that I lost a friend from my support group. She was 43 with 2 kids and had metastatic breast cancer too. What could I possibly have to complain about?
But I know this isn't healthy. I know that I am not only allowed to feel these emotions, but I know that it's important to do so. But why can't I just let myself do it? How do I balance processing the frustration and sadness I often feel about my life while also balancing it with my true sense of gratitude and joy. I feel like I am in a constant state of emotional turmoil.
I've said it before, and I will say it again - the emotional and psychological aspect of living with this disease is far greater than any physical discomfort I have ever experienced.
I don't know what I would do without my "inner circle" of close family & friends. You know who you are. The ones I can share everything with and I know you won't judge me - you won't try to tell me that everything is fine and try to make it all better. You listen and you love me and you offer guidance that is so appreciated. I have relied on you all even more lately and I can't thank you enough for your support. I mean it when I say I would be totally lost without you.
Physically, I am doing pretty well. Tomorrow I will get my shots in the morning before I head into work. I am still having some issues with my reconstruction - despite having surgery again in November - but I saw Dr. M a week or so ago and he isn't too concerned, despite the unusual symptoms I am now experiencing. I am having some chest/arm pain but thankfully I work with some great PT's that are helping me with that. A perk of the job. :) I continue to battle constant hot flashes, back pain and difficulty sleeping - but I would take that all in a heartbeat for continued clean scans!
In a nutshell - everything is great, but I know I need some help on how to process all of the emotions and thoughts that run through my head and heart every day. I plan on looking into that soon. Thank you for always keeping us in your prayers. Please add my friend Reem's family to them this week. May she rest in peace.
A message I enjoyed this week...
Happy 6th birthday to my baby boy, Wrigley. Thank you for making my feet warmer, my days brighter, and my heart happier. My life is better because you are in it.
New favorite word #1.....STABLE! The scan results are in and everything looks good! Stable...no evidence of active disease...nothing new...continued healing of the affected spots throughout my spine. Can I get an "AMEN!".....Woohooooo!!!!!!!
Second favorite word..."Boring". That's what Dr. F called me today and I take that as the biggest compliment I have received in a long time. I have yearned to be "boring" - medically speaking, anyways. Although Dr. F doesn't get all excited and enthusiastic, he did express his satisfaction with these results and said we will just keep the course since it seems to be working well and keeping my disease dormant...and that's what we are hoping and praying for, for a long long time!
No other real news to report - I will continue with my two injections into my abdomen every 4 weeks, follow up with Dr. F every 8 weeks and continue to be scanned every 6 months.
I wish there were better words for me to use to truly convey my appreciation and gratitude to all of you for your love, support and prayers...but really there is nothing else I can say except for a HUUUUGGGEEEE, "THANK YOU!" Thank you so very much for everything. Truly. You have no idea how much comfort and hope it brings me to know so many people are thinking of us, praying for us, and supporting us. It really does make a huge impact on Mike and I, and I hope you all know how immensely grateful we are.
What an incredible start to 2013! If these results are any indication of what this year has in store for us, I think it's going to be an amazing year. Happy New Year to all of you and I wish you all nothing but health and happiness in 2013!
My blog to keep you all