For most of my life, I have been an avid journaler. At one point, I had boxes and boxes of journals dating back to at least 7th grade. I have a vivid memory of purging things one day and deciding I was going to get rid of all the journals. My mom emphatically begged me to save them and promised me a day would come that I would regret throwing them away. Of course, I thought I knew more than her at the time, but as usual, she proved to be right. I really wish I could take a trip down memory lane with those journals right about now. Ever since these last scan results, I haven't been able to bring myself to journal. It's normally my favorite way to start the day - grabbing a warm cup of coffee, cracking the window to hear the birds chirping, and curling up in a living room chair with a cozy blanket before Mike and the dogs get up. It's a practice that has always helped me feel grounded and present - a time to reflect, process and practice gratitude. I keep waiting for the feeling to return - to want to sit down and get my thoughts and feelings out on paper. But truthfully, that feels exhausting to me right now. I think there has just been too much going on and so much to process that it feels overwhelming to even try to sift through it and write - whether it's in my journal or here on the blog. I will say I am emotionally feeling much better as time has passed, but this last news devastated me to my core in a way I haven't felt before and induced a level of fear I had not previously experienced. While I haven't felt up to sharing a lot, I am also so grateful people care about me and want to know how I am doing. Four weeks ago, after increasing hair loss, I asked Mike to shave my head. I had a lot of emotional build up about this - not only about how obvious it would now be that I'm sick, but also fear that I might never see myself with hair ever again. If this treatment works, I will stay on it indefinitely - which means I will remain bald. It's a very surreal thing to think about the fact that you may never see yourself with hair again. I felt a wave of relief once Mike actually shaved my head and this step was behind me. Although it's still a very vulnerable feeling to be bald, I am getting more used to it each day. I am thankful to report that I have been tolerating my weekly chemo infusions well. I have continued the cycles of treatment every Thursday for three consecutive weeks, followed by one week off. The main side effect I am dealing with is fatigue, which at times is incredibly frustrating and most definitely impacts my overall quality of life. I am doing my best to continue to work full time, spend time with family and friends, and prioritize my health and wellness. A lesson I am continually reminded of is that no matter how hard things get or how difficult they may seem, life does go on. The shock and sadness of devastating news eventually starts to subside and we start to sink into a "new normal". So I'm continuing to do my best to enjoy the small things that bring me joy like daily walks with the pups, saving my energy for weekend fun with those I love, and desperately trying to extend myself grace when I run out of energy and know I need to rest.
Life goes on.....the hard, the sad, the scary....but also the joy, the laughter, the memories. August will be our busiest month of the summer with a much needed vacation, two weddings, a wonderful event benefiting Hope Scarves, my brother visiting, and Mike's birthday. I'll find out exact details later this week when I see Dr. F, but I'm pretty certain that my first round of scans since starting this treatment will be at the very end of August or early September. I know the scanxiety will start to build as soon as that is on the calendar. But once again, we will remember that life goes on and we will continue to find joy in the in between. xoxo, Meg
12 Comments
Roni Hall
7/30/2023 09:58:22 pm
You never fail to inspire us all. ❤️
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Matthew Drake
7/30/2023 11:50:15 pm
Meghan you are Love and you are Loved by so many for the Love that you authentically are.Thanks for being a dear friend ❤️💪🙏
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Cathy foster
7/31/2023 05:45:39 am
Meg. I can’t imagine all you have been thru. I have my own battles but nothing like you. You give me strength and only look forward to returning soon to TRP and seeing your smiling face. Keep on keeping on. Hugs to you x a thousand and see you soon ❤️❤️❤️
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Sarah Jelinek
7/31/2023 08:50:33 am
Sending lots of love your way! ❤️💪🏻
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Michael T. Malley
7/31/2023 08:56:54 am
Meghan,
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Patty Goonis
7/31/2023 09:12:23 am
Meghan, beautiful soul. Writing will help you process your grief! I have notebooks full of my grief from all the things I’ve lost. It helps me see so much beauty every day. You radiate beauty, from the inside out
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Jenny Flanagan
7/31/2023 10:11:30 am
Meghan, you are such an incredible human being. Write as much or as little as you can. Maybe voice record if you don’t feel up to writing and keep for yourself and Mike. Sometimes though just pure silence is healing. I am sorry about your hairloss and can totally relate although when I saw your photos I saw the most stunning woman ever. No lies, you look like a fashion model. Prayers for continued strength and endurance and rest when you need to. I love you dearly and am believing God for awesome miracles in your life!
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Jessica Harrington
7/31/2023 10:35:07 am
Sending you all the ❤️❤️❤️
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Deb Hart
7/31/2023 01:20:35 pm
Keep living life to its fullest. You have a great attitude and that is definitely some of the battle. Keep up a good fight. Love, hugs and prayers
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Amy Yorke
8/1/2023 09:43:50 pm
Sending you ❤️
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Ashley Kotowski
8/2/2023 09:02:13 pm
Sending you every ounce of love Meghan. You write so beautifully and remind us all to keep things in perspective. You are in my prayers every night ❤️
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Aunt Erin
8/29/2023 11:23:52 am
💕
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