I gently close my eyes
Long, deep inhale through my nose Allow my belly to rise Rib cage expands Diaphragm drops Pause. Slowly exhale through pursed lips Feel my shoulders lower Release the building tension Willing myself to focus on this alone Deep inhale Slow exhale Just breathe The wait is longer than usual Alone in this exam room Just breathe I know him well enough after all these years to sense the results before he speaks. "It's not the news we hoped for." I softly close my eyes Just breathe "Are you having more bone pain? The bone scan shows many areas lighting up...." "How have you been feeling? The liver tumors have grown...." He keeps speaking... Progression Chemo isn't working A couple other options That one could damage your heart This one is too similar to the last Perhaps a clinical trial "Do you want time to think and decide?" Just breathe I calmly listen and try to absorb what he is saying I ask questions and confess I am nervous about a clinical trial I think of all the friends I have lost to this disease and how it started to go downhill for them. I hold it together, until my voice breaks as I say, "This feels like the beginning of the end." Just breathe He stares blankly and then reminds me how healthy I am despite it all My labs are good. My liver is functioning well. "It's a matter of your perspective", he says, "but I don't think it's the beginning of the end." Just breathe He will reach out to the phase 1 clinical trial team to see if there is anything I may qualify for. He is heading to the American Society of Clinical Oncology annual conference next week. Perhaps there is promising research to be shared there on another new option. He has had patients do well going back on adriamycin and cytoxan, the two chemo drugs I started with 12 years ago. Weekly infusions, hair loss, and potential heart damage. How do you decide when there are no guarantees? Next week I will have a test to assess the function of my heart. Not only will this show what kind of shape it's in after all these years of treatment, but it will be a new baseline in case I resume the cardiotoxic adriamycin. Then on June 8th I will meet with Dr. F to review those results, and make a decision on how to proceed from here. I am feeling weary, sad, and scared of what lies ahead. But I know these feelings all too well. I will keep going - one day at a time. Just breathe. xoxo, Meg
40 Comments
Bridget Hadley
5/25/2023 05:12:32 pm
I love you! And will continue to keep you and Mike in prayer.... ❤❤❤
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Matthew Drake
5/25/2023 05:17:27 pm
I want you to know that you are loved. You are always being hugged. You are always prayed for. I will continue to believe in you as I always do. I'm giving you a big hug right now. ❤️🙏💪Meow Love you my friend.
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Annita Mitrevski
5/25/2023 05:19:25 pm
We will continue to pray for you and Mike. Stay strong and positive. ❤️🙏
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Norma Barquet
5/25/2023 05:21:47 pm
I keep you in my prayers always. 🙏🏼 I love you and admire your resilient spirit, your strength and your tremendous courage. ❤️🙏🏼😘
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Michael Malley
5/25/2023 05:23:57 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Aunt Mary
5/25/2023 05:33:47 pm
Oh Meghan. Words seem ridiculous and inept right now. However, PLEASE know that you are loved beyond measure and that I will continue to storm the heavens and clothe you in constant prayer.
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Diane Ullrich
5/25/2023 05:37:24 pm
Oh Meghan my heart breaks for you and Mike. I will continue to pray for you, Mike and your Momma every day. My thoughts are with you as always. Praying that there will be a good new option from your Oncologists conference. 💗💗💗💗
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Diana
5/25/2023 05:38:18 pm
I have been thinking about you all week. If anyone can keep fighting and navigate this with resilience, love, and hope, it’s you. You have an army next to you to lean on for love and support. I love you. We all love you. Let’s keep beating this thing. ❤️❤️❤️
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Kevin
5/25/2023 05:58:38 pm
You are loved!
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Josh L
5/25/2023 06:06:30 pm
You are as beautiful as these words. We are all here for you I am here with you. You are so strong and have proven this thing wrong so many times and you are going to do it again! God bless you and Michael!
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5/25/2023 06:08:20 pm
Dear Meghan and Mike, we are praying for you. As I read your post, I am scared with you but hopeful with you as well and hope will overcome fear! Your doctor is right you are still in good health and as the cancer wants to do its nasty thing, God has the final say! I loved your doctor when I met him and I am praying God uses him and his wisdom along with his colleagues to locate the right clinical trial. Thanks for the deep breathing as well. Reading your prayer warrior friends and family comments and prayers is uplifting and I pray it stirs up your faith which can be hard to hold onto at times. I would not be here without you and your sparking my faith and the day at a time advice. I love you guys!!!
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Diana Walter
5/25/2023 06:19:40 pm
Oh Meghan Im so sorry to hear this. I love you and wikk be praying for your strength.
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Susan keller
5/25/2023 07:06:22 pm
Praying for peace that transcends understanding and wisdom to know the path/treatment you choose (or choose not) to take. And praying wisdom for your doctor as well, may he advise you well. Xox, Susan
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Roni Hall
5/25/2023 07:08:06 pm
You continue to amaze and inspire me. Your strength and grace through such trials is incredible. Lean on the love that surrounds you. ❤️
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Hayley Leichtman
5/25/2023 07:25:38 pm
Keeping you both in my prayers ❤️ You are stronger than you realize and loved by so many!
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Rachel Bryce
5/25/2023 07:26:39 pm
You and Mike are in our families thoughts and prayers. 💜
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Aunt Erin
5/25/2023 07:50:23 pm
Oh Megs,
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Eileen Burns
5/25/2023 07:50:45 pm
Meghan, no words... walking and breathing with you... Even with this difficult message to us, you inspire - still giving...
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Mary Jane Hsu
5/25/2023 07:51:31 pm
The love and prayers continue, my dear ❤️
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Noreen Watson
5/25/2023 08:00:16 pm
Meghan, I continue to think of you often and send prayers . You are indeed the most amazing, beautiful, strongest person I know. I am blessed to call you my family. ☘️☘️💕💕.
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Jackson Family
5/25/2023 08:21:55 pm
We think about you often and miss you so much. We will continue praying for you and Mike.
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Elizabeth
5/25/2023 08:27:40 pm
Oh Meg, my heart aches for you and Mike. One day at a time, one breathe at a time is the best motto. We are all here for you. Constantly praying and thinking about you. Love you dear friend.
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Cara
5/25/2023 08:57:28 pm
We are supporting you and loving you fierce Auntie Meghie. We are right there in the ring with you. Get it girl. XOXO. ♥️♥️♥️
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Deb and Bob Hart
5/25/2023 08:57:52 pm
Lots of positive thoughts and prayers. You can beat this yet again. You have got this!
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Colleen LaCroix
5/25/2023 09:25:02 pm
Praying for you and Mike everyday! ❤🍀
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Aunt Carol
5/25/2023 10:28:04 pm
You're always in our thoughts and prayers. Love you so very much💗
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Laura Jackson
5/25/2023 11:01:02 pm
Just breathe. I'm sure that's harder than it seems but you keep going and remind yourself to just breathe. You are a light Megan Malley and I'm so blessed to know you. You keep going despite every obstacle. My prayers for you are endless. Giving you a big hug. I love you!
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Terry & Rita
5/25/2023 11:25:02 pm
Meghan, God is with you and Mike as you make the best decision about your treatment. I will pray for your continued health and quality of life. Terry and I send hugs to you.
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Liz Thiel
5/25/2023 11:36:00 pm
We’re sending so much love and so many prayers your way. 🩷🙏🏻
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Mike Brennan
5/26/2023 12:10:29 am
Sending so much love, Meghan. One day at a time.
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Mary Rose
5/26/2023 09:20:06 am
Holding you dear one in prayer and loving thoughts. We are sad with you. We are weary with you. We are scared with you. You are not alone!!! Love you!!!!
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Amy Yorke
5/26/2023 03:07:15 pm
Love you! Prayers for you.
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Suzanne Trojanowski
5/26/2023 05:07:18 pm
One day at a time, one breath at a time. Sending you 🙏 and good energy.
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Don and Cindy Hart
5/26/2023 05:47:23 pm
We are in your corner. Between our prayers and your inner strength, we know that you can beat this again. This is a hiccup, but you will get through this. Keep on truckin'!
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Julie Anne Hughey
5/26/2023 10:12:33 pm
Prayers for a hedge of protection around you and Mike, for peace and clear direction with the choices that lie ahead. And praying for strength and for your health and comfort.
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Maria Callaghan
5/27/2023 12:20:53 pm
We are praying for you and sending healing thoughts and energy. You can do this and we have full faith in your body's ability to heal! You are amazing and have got this! ❤️
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Carolyn Hallgath
5/28/2023 05:51:17 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Julie Cooper
5/29/2023 08:30:17 am
Sending you love.❤️❤️❤️
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Andrea Corp
5/29/2023 12:33:57 pm
Oh Meg! I’m so sorry for this news. I am sending every ounce of my love and support and prayers and hope to you Meg. 💓
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Yolanda
6/1/2023 06:01:17 pm
💗
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