As much as I love my doctors and modern medicine, I have to truly give thanks to the big guy upstairs for this latest news. Thank you God for hearing all of our prayers and allowing these steroids to do their job so that I could avoid surgery! My prayers - and all of your prayers - have been answered and I couldn't be more grateful. Surgery has officially been cancelled! I called Dr. M's office last week and asked if I could move up my appointment from next Monday to today because I really needed to know if I was headed to the operating room or not. I was done with my course of steroids last week and could tell that they obviously helped decrease the swelling but wasn't sure it was enough for Dr. M to think that we could cancel surgery. Well, I saw him first thing this morning at 8am and he was extremely pleased with my response to the meds. He said all along that he really didn't want to have to operate on me and it posed all sorts of potential problems to go back in and open me up. So, when he saw me today he was very happy and said that the risks of the surgery don't outweigh the benefits right now. He said that there is a 90% chance that the steroids have calmed things down enough that my body won't have any other reactions to this mesh device he implanted. On the other hand, if it flares up again and I notice more swelling, I definitely have to have the surgery. But, we will cross that bridge when (and if) we come to it. As for today, I am just rejoicing in this good news and thanking God for giving me the break that I so desperately was praying for. I know I could have handled the surgery but I was definitely praying that it wouldn't be necessary. Now I will pray that my body starts to accept this mesh tissue as it's own and that no future problems arise. These last few weeks have been filled with many tough moments for Mike and I. Any time something like this comes up with my health it reminds us of the demon we are fighting. Not that we ever truly forget but we got back into the rhythm of our busy lives and started planning for the future and didn't let this disease dictate each and every move. All of that comes to a screeching halt when a complication arises. This latest course of events brought a lot of emotions, fear and worry back to the forefront of our minds. It reminded us yet again that the future is unknown - for all of us. It reminded us that we need to be thankful for each and every day because we don't know what is ahead around the next corner. It reminded us that although we can try to plan and set goals for the future, this disease has the potential to rear it's ugly head and interrupt our lives at any given moment - and that is a hard pill to swallow. As much as I feel like I have handled this roller coaster pretty well since March 23, 2011 - there are many moments along the way where the sadness and despair could easily take me over. I truly thank God for Mike every single day for riding this storm out with me and for being there for me in my darkest hours. I truly don't know how he does it - how he holds it all together for me - how he watches me break down and then he ever so gently puts the pieces back together and makes me feel whole again. In my heart I know that we were put on this Earth to be together and that if I have him, I can make it through anything. Mike - I love you through the depths of my soul in a way I never even knew possible until my ability to grow old with you was threatened to be taken from me. You are the light through this darkness and it is because of you that I can see my way to brighter days. Thank you to everyone that has kept me in their prayers. I am so, so grateful for each and every one of you and so blessed to have the amazing support system that I have. I am off to Vegas this Thursday to celebrate my college roomie, Nikki's wedding! I am so excited to spend the weekend with my Miami ladies and now I feel like I have even more cause to celebrate. Watch out Vegas---here I come! xoxo, Meg One of my very best friends (thank you, Meg!) encouraged me to sign up for these daily inspirational and uplifting emails back when I was first diagnosed. Some days they are about relationship drama or working out issues with friends, or something that doesn't necessarily apply to me. But, more often than not, I feel like the messages couldn't be more fitting and this one in particular really resonated with me this weekend. I think it is something we could all strive to be better at. I know I will refer to it often as I continue to ride out this roller coaster....
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Well, things haven't really turned out as I had hoped since my last post. I am far too exhausted, physically and even more emotionally, to go into every detail - but let's put it this way - last Thursday was one of the worst days I have had since the initial days of my diagnosis. My ultrasound was completed but then when it came to having the needle aspiration, literally, all hell broke loose. The few hours spent at the hospital ended up being in a small exam room accompanied by my mom, 3 physicians, a radiology tech, and my plastic surgeon on the phone (who thankfully stepped out of surgery to call me and acknowledge my frustrations, and try to reassure me that he will take care of me and figure this out). What set this entire drama in motion was when the tech informed me they wouldn't be doing the aspiration because there wasn't enough fluid - before the radiologist even looked at the report!!! I simply lost it...I felt blown off...I felt that I wasn't being taken seriously....I felt like I wasn't able to voice my frustrations...I felt angry, upset, furious...I felt like, once again, the exact department that told me nearly 3 years ago I was fine and had nothing to worry about after my initial ultrasound and mammogram, was once again failing me. I could have screamed....and nearly did. I was so angry and frustrated that I couldn't help but sob. If I hear the words, "the chances are rare that this is anything serious" or anything to that affect every again, I will absolutely lose my mind. I am so sick of those types of words. Those words and that mentality from the medical community is how I even got in the stage IV position. I feel like the medical community failed me and that if they took my concerns seriously and didn't blow me off because of my age, I could have been diagnosed at a much earlier stage. I blame them for my stage IV status and I blame them for what will likely be my shortened life expectancy. So, to make a long story shorter - upon feeling those same emotions once again, I unravelled and voiced my extreme frustrations through an uncontrollable stream of tears. I ended up literally storming out of that room after we talked in circles and realized there was nothing else they would be doing for me that day.....needless to say, I didn't make it back to work as expected. So, today (well, actually yesterday - now that it is 1am) it was back to Dr. M, my plastic surgeon, to figure out where to go from here. The ultrasound showed some fluid accumulation but not nearly enough to account for how swollen I have become. The swelling is actually in the tissues and cannot be aspirated. Dr. M is fairly confident that my body is having a reaction to the collagen mesh piece that he had to insert during the surgery in May to help support the left implant. The most likely cause of the swelling is an irritation or sort of rejection of this mesh piece, rather than my body recognizing it as it's own and absorbing it into my own tissue as intended. There is still the chance that the swelling could also be an infection, a rare lymphoma or some sort of lymphedema that has developed in the mastectomy pocket. After discussing the various options, and after more tears of frustration, this is the plan....I will complete a course of steriods to see if that takes care of the swelling. I started the steroids today and will continue taking them for one week. Bring on the jitters, uncontrollable snacking, lack of sleep and all the other fun that comes with 'roids. ;) I will see Dr. M on 9/24 to see what the result of the steroids is. If the swelling persists, surgery is scheduled for October 4th. This will be an outpatient surgery to remove the collagen mesh tissue and to take out the existing implant and replace it with a new one. A sample of my tissue will also be taken at that time and sent to the lab to determine if everything is A-OK or if there is any sign of lymphoma. I am obviously hoping that the steroids help, but I feel like surgery is a very real possibility this time. I once again broke down at my appointment today just out of pure frustration. I am just tired. I am tired of the constant issues and although I am aware that things could always be much worse, I just really wanted a break for awhile. I am grateful that these issues aren't directly cancer related and that I am still stable as far as my disease is concerned. Speaking of which - I will head to Karmanos tomorrow morning for my 8 week follow up. My oncologist, Dr. F is on vacation so I will just see Lynette (his nurse practitioner) this time and have to fill her in on all the latest and greatest drama. I will obviously keep everyone updated and let you know what the plan is after my appointment with Dr. M on the 24th. Please keep me (and especially Mike and my mom) in your prayers. We are all just feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted - not only with this current issue but there are always other things going on too and it all piles up sometimes. I pray that whether I just need medication or if it has to be surgery, that it will be effective to deal with this problem and that there won't be any other complications or side effects. Thank you for your love and support. xoxo, Meg ps. We had an amazing weekend up north at Torch Lake with dear friends and I am so grateful we had that chance to get away and decompress. It was much needed! Our precious Goddaughter, Alice.... Sweet Miss Emma enjoying the gorgeous Torch Lake summer day!
How do you find the balance? Isn't that the age old question. Whether it applies to a stay at home mom trying to find time for her own passions, a hard working dad trying to make enough time for his family, or a cancer patient trying to live her life to the fullest...without burning herself out but also trying to pack a life time of plans into each day since she knows her time is likely going to be cut short. How much time do I dedicate to advocating for this disease and spreading awareness, while also just trying to live as normal of a life as possible. Finding the balance is something I struggle with each and every day. I have felt a little more overwhelmed than normal lately, and I am trying my best to not let it consume me, and to try to scale things down a bit. But, it's so hard when in the back of your mind is this constant voice whispering, "you better do this now, you don't know how much time you have," or "you really should go on that trip because this might be the last one you have," or "take as many pictures as you can of your friends since there will be a time when you won't be able to see them much - when you will be sick and can't hang out with them, and you will want these memories recorded." I often wonder if these haunting voices will ever leave my thoughts. Will there ever be a time when I don't have a twinge of sadness or fear living in the recesses of my mind, lurking in the shadows, reminding me of the sad reality of my disease. I am not sure if those feelings will ever really leave me, but I am grateful to now know that they aren't as powerful as they once were. I spent this past weekend up north with 8 of my best friends from high school (and two of their little babes), and once again, it was such a blast to spend so much time with my Beauts. Last year's girls weekend was great too but I distinctly remember how emotional I was and how much I was hurting inside, while at the same time smiling and laughing with my girls. I felt so devastated at the thought of losing my friends because of this disease. I thought that would be my last girls weekend. I was heartbroken to think that I wouldn't see their children grow up and that all of the plans we all had to grow into old ladies together would never become a reality for me. I didn't want to be a downer and share this with them, so I remember having a good, hard cry with my mom when I got home that Sunday. Although those thoughts haven't completely escaped me, and although there were times this weekend where I looked around at their beautiful faces and felt a deep sadness that I may not have as much time with them as I always thought, I am grateful that the blanket of grief wasn't as heavy this time. I have great hopes that there will be many girls weekends in my future and that I will have many more amazing times with the best friends anyone could ask for. (In our defense...this was our only group pic and it was first thing in the morning before Beth & Kel had to hit the road. Excuse the pj's, bed head, and under eye bags that required all of us wear sunglasses...even Alice! haha! Miss Mae was taking a little nap so she didn't make it in the group shot) I apologize if the thoughts and feelings I share with you are not always happy, upbeat and positive. But, I have felt a distinct shift in my mindset since last year. Sure, I shared my feelings a year ago but I think I often put on a happy face without even knowing it. Now that I have had more time to adjust to living with this illness, and my treatment has significantly calmed down, it has allowed me to see things in a different light, and I feel like I would be doing a disservice to not share how I really feel - the true struggles, the highs and lows of what my life is really like. I am naturally a happy and optimistic person but as we all know, life is not always like that and there are hard times too. Although I never intended on it, this blog has crossed paths with many people, many of which are women just like me, living with chronic disease, and if even one thing I share can help them realize they are not alone in their feelings, then it is worth it for me to reveal myself so freely. Not every survivor story is one of success, cures, and a happy ending. But this is real life, and it's my life. And all I can do it try to share it to help myself cope, and hopefully help someone else that is walking this road with me. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Speaking of "walking this road with me"...the Susan G. Komen 3 Day For A Cure is THIS WEEKEND! I am so grateful that my wonderful friends, Brinley, Becca, Nikki, Janine and Chanell are participating this year as part of Team Meghan Malley Rally. (And a special shout out to Stacy and Nancy for completing the 3 Day in Chicago last weekend! woohoo!) They are walking again this year to not only raise money for this cause, but to help spread awareness that this disease does affect young women, and that we need more research and funding for treatments and a CURE for metastatic (stage IV) disease. The Opening Ceremony is this Friday, August 17 at 6:30am at Oakland Mall in Troy. The walkers will walk over 20 miles on Friday through Troy, Clawson and Farmington. They will continue their walking all day on Saturday as they walk through the Plymouth/Northville area and they will end at the Closing Ceremony in Dearborn at the Ford World Headquarters with the ceremony beginning at 5pm after the walkers have completed 60 miles! If you came out to support the walkers last year, you know what an incredible event and experience this is. I would really love for you to come out and support Team Meghan Malley Rally again this year. I am once again hosting a cheering station on Saturday where we will have a tent with snacks, music and cold paper towels for the walkers to put on their necks. The route has changed slightly this year so our new location for the cheering station is at the Rusty Bucket in Northville from 11am - 3:30pm. If you can make it, try to wear your Team Meghan Malley Rally t-shirts from last year to show your support to our incredible walkers and if you would like to help out by coming early to set up, staying after to tear down, or volunteer to bring food or supplies (like ice and paper towels for the walkers to soak and put on their necks), please let me know and I will tell you what we need. The Rusty Bucket is located at 5 Mile and Sheldon in Northville - a map/directions can be found here. Please stop by to not only support our team, but all of the walkers that dedicate so much time and energy to this cause - many of whom are survivors themselves. We had an amazing turnout last year and I know it meant so much to all of the walkers, and especially to Team Meghan Malley Rally. For more general spectator information from the 3 Day site, click here. Just a little reminder of all the fun we had at the cheering station last year..... With the 3 Day rolling around, that means that my dear friend, Brinley and her wonderful family are coming to visit from West Palm Beach, Florida! Brinley, Andy and Andrew arrive this Wednesday and are staying for a full week. I cannot wait to see them! Brinley and her entire family have been such a huge source of love and support since day 1 and I am so grateful to have all of them in my life. I haven't seem them since Andrew's first birthday celebration weekend in February and I am so excited to have an entire week to spend with them!
I hope to see many of you on Saturday and if you can't make it, please keep the walkers in your thoughts and prayers for a successful, injury free event that not only raises lots of money but helps further educate countless women and men so fewer lives continue to be lost to this disease. Also feel free to leave them encouraging thoughts and messages on our Facebook pages as we post from the event this weekend. xoxo, Meghan Over the past year or so, this has become one of my favorite quotes...."Gratitude turns what we have into enough." I will be the first to admit that it's not always easy to live by, but I try my best to remind myself of this mantra as often as possible - especially during those toughest times. If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would soon be diagnosed with cancer, then find out that it was the most aggressive and advanced stage, learn that I cannot have children, and all the other emotional and physical obstacles that have come along....I would never have believed you if you told me I would reach a day where I would be grateful to hear the words "stable disease"...but I truly am. I will never forget the shock I felt during my first meeting with Dr. F, when he explained there was a stage of breast cancer that was no longer curable. I didn't understand - couldn't comprehend it - and didn't even worry about it too much since I figured there was no way that could apply to me. Well, fast forward to today and here I am living this seemingly entirely new life and I find myself grateful for stable, stage IV cancer. It's just crazy how much your life can change- how much you can adjust to, and what your definition of "good news" can become. Although I will always have hard days and there will always be aspects of my life that are difficult, I am so thankful that I am able to have the outlook that I do. I attribute a lot of that to your prayers. I really do believe that through your prayers and well wishes, God has helped me learn how to cope with this life and how to continue to see my blessings and be grateful for them, amidst the pain and heartbreak that comes along with living with this diagnosis. Since my last post when we received our great news from my scans, life has continued along at our usual busy pace. I have had a jam packed schedule of photography clients and I am loving growing this business. Mike and I just spent the weekend in Chicago visiting some of my best friends and it was a blast, as always. This upcoming weekend is the Susan G. Komen Ride for the Cure in Ann Arbor and I will be there cheering on Doug and Kyle as they bike 30 miles to raise awareness and funds for this cause. This is a great event and my dear friend Kyle is still trying to reach her fundraising goal, so please consider donating whatever you can to her efforts. Please click here to donate! Also, please consider supporting the "Meghan Malley Rally" 3 Day team. They are working hard to raise the necessary funds required to participate in this event in just a couple of weeks. They are participating in this event on August 17 -19th in order to help spread awareness that this disease does impact young women, and also to help generate awareness for metastatic disease and the critical importance of research in order to help find a cure. I would sincerely appreciate any donation you are able to make so that my friends can participate and further advocate for the issues that mean so much to me, and to each of them. Every dollar does make a difference! Please click here to visit the team page and click on any team members name to donate to that person specifically. As if I haven't asked for enough already...I have one more request. Our good friend's little 3 year old daughter was diagnosed with Wilms Tumor (a type of kidney cancer) just a couple weeks ago. They have since found out that the cancer is Stage IV and has spread to her lungs, vena cava and is approaching her heart. Sweet little Cecylia has a long road ahead of her as she just began chemo in the hopes to shrink the cancer enough to have surgery to remove her kidney. This will then be followed by a heavy course of radiation treatments. Our friends are optimistic and very hopeful that this treatment will be effective for their baby girl, but of course this is a terrifying time for them. Mike and I have been so blown away by the outpouring of love and prayers for us and we are confident in the fact that it has made a positive impact on my health. So, I figured I would ask for all of you to add Cecylia to your prayers because I just know it will help. Please specifically pray that she stops coming down with fevers that repeatedly land her in the hospital. Please pray she is able to heal in the comfort of her own home with her parents and 2 year old sister, and that she becomes stronger each and every day so that her body is best equipped to battle this cancer.
Thank you so much! I hope everyone has a great week ahead. xoxo, Meg I am being 100% truthful when I say that there has not been one moment throughout these last 15 1/2 months where I have asked, "why me?". I have never said, "this isn't fair", or had a huge pity party for myself. I have had my fair share of sad (okay, even devastated) moments, or times where I felt a little angry, frustrated or discouraged but I have never let it suck me down that big black hole of despair for very long. I have held tight to the faith that God has a plan for me, and although I may never understand it, He is watching over me and wants the best for me. I have spent more time working on my relationship with God since the day I was diagnosed. We had a little heart to heart where I said, "Hey, remember me?! I could really use your help right about now!" There have been many "coincidences" along this road which I now don't believe were coincidences at all. There have been people that have been brought into my life for very specific purposes at seemingly the exact perfect time I needed them. There have been so many scary and stressful moments where I have been shocked at the sense of calm and peace that I felt come over me. It is in these times especially, that I know God is with me. Although I was raised in the Catholic church, I found myself distanced from it the older I became. What always seemed to cause me frustration and confusion, and ultimately my lack of participation within the church, was the question of, "if we have an all knowing and all loving God, how does he let such bad things happen to such good people?". I have struggled with this thought since I was a little girl and it has always been a huge source of internal turmoil for me. I am truly thankful for a few very special friends that help me work through these thoughts, and who share with me their thoughts and beliefs which have helped me understand that God does truly want whats best for me. He is not punishing me through this cancer. But, bad things do happen - and that is just life. I have been finding more peace lately by putting my trust in God and I am sincerely grateful for that. With that said, it doesn't mean that my faith doesn't waiver. Traveling this road ultimately leads to many moments where it is hard to have faith, where it is hard to remember that God is with me, and where it is a challenge to focus on my blessings. The past week or so has been an true example of this. Aside from having my scans completed last week and knowing those results are looming over my head, there have been a few other things going on in my personal life that even on their own would be devastating and difficult to get through - let alone all combined at the same time, on top of everything else we have already been dealing with. I had a few days of deep sadness, frustration, and confusion as to why so much could possibly be piled onto our plates right now. Why have I been through so much already at just 30 years old - more than many people go through in a long lifetime? These thoughts led to an impromptu pity party where I was the guest of honor. But, ultimately I needed to throw that party. I needed to let myself break down, release the tears and cries, and with that, release my worries, frustrations and fears to God. I have come to truly detest the saying, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" - I just don't believe that. I believe so many of us go through times where it is too much to handle, and that's when we need to rely on Him. As the dust has settled over the last few days, the clouds of that deep sadness have lifted a bit, but I know I am headed straight into another potential storm on Thursday. I am praying (more like begging) for good news. I could really use a break right now - I need it more than ever. Thank you for your continued prayers and words of encouragement. That is what helps me get through these difficult times. And thank you to those of you that have prayed for my Aunt Helen. She was taken off life support on Friday but is continuing to hold on. I am asking for prayers that she is able to let go, give her body the rest it deserves, and return to her family in Heaven who await her. I will post on Thursday after my appointment with hopefully nothing but great news! xoxo, Meg ***REMINDER - There are TONS of great fundraising events happening to benefit the 3 Day team as they each try to raise at least $2,300 for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day For the Cure. Please check out the details and attend if you are able! First up, Zumba this Friday night.... THIS WEEKEND - HUGE Garage Sale at Becca's house. Lots of great stuff - not your average garage sale finds! Please visit 367 East Saratoga Street in Ferndale from 8-3pm on Saturday and Sunday. Next Thursday, July 19th - Fundraiser at Rosie O'Grady's in downtown Ferndale. Please join us starting at 6pm for all you can eat pizza and salad buffet out on the front patio for just $15. There will also be a silent auction and 50/50 raffle. Please pass this invite along to all your friends and family - it will be a great time! The following week, come join us for some yoga!..... We are also continuing to sell the adorable kids apparel as well! Please contact me for orders or you can place an order directly from Brinley's website at http://littleonesforacure.blogspot.com. The onesies are available in 12, 18 and 24 months (special order at no additional cost, 3, 6 or 9 months) and the t's are available in 2T, 3T and 4T sizes. If you would rather make a donation directly to the 3 Day team, please visit the link here.
and pick a team member to donate to. Thank you for your support! Last but not least, my dear friend Kyle is once again participating in the 30 mile Ride For the Cure in Ann Arbor on August 4th. Please consider helping her reach her goal by donating here. As we settled into bed on Wednesday night, I pulled out my trusty pink notebook that has been my constant companion since last March. "Okay, time to put our list together", I said to Mike. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my oncologist and per our usual ritual in the Malley house, we generated our list of questions and concerns for Dr. F the night before.
"Make sure to tell Dr. F that my last surgery was May 4th...tell him I just saw Dr. M on Monday and he gave me the green light to exercise my arms...I am back to work and it's going well...still bruising a lot, so how does blood work look?" And before Mike drifted off to sleep, he reminded me for about the 100th time, "please make sure to talk to Dr. F about your back." Ah yes, my back. The one thing that has been a trouble maker from the start. This is the area we have worried about from Day #1 when a questionable little spot appeared on those first diagnostic tests. I was heading into this appointment on my own this time so Mike made me promise that I would be honest with Dr. F about my increased back pain and the symptoms I have been having lately. So, I shared with Dr. F that I feel about 80 years old when I wake up in the morning. That my entire back feels achy and so incredibly stiff. I told him that I experience a dull achy pain throughout my thoracic and lumbar spine at the end of most days. And, I shared with him the terrifying and excruciating pain I experienced on Tuesday when I had severe muscle spasms throughout my paraspinal muscles while sitting at my desk at work. I haven't experienced spasms like that since last fall and it is just about the most painful thing I have ever felt. BUT, I also explained to Dr. F that I have been doing a lot more lately. I have been at the gym more, I have been busy with lots of photo sessions that require me to get in all sorts of goofy positions while photographing children. I told him that I have also been spending hours and hours on end at my desk editing my photographs and learning how to run a business. I told Dr. F that although my family has often suggested I get an MRI done, I don't have any interest in having my scans completed any earlier than originally scheduled. I explained that I have been looking forward to feeling "normal" and enjoying this summer without worrying about test results. Unfortunately, Dr. F really didn't see eye to eye with me on my whole "ignorance is bliss" theory. He decided to move my scans up so we can see what's going on. Logically, I am thankful that he is so attentive and proactive, but right now I am just feeling sad, scared, and anxious. Just when life was starting to feel more normal again, now I have to worry about this. It is so difficult to live this way - to feel all sorts of aches and pains and always have to wonder, is the disease causing this pain? Has my medication stopped working? Does this mean the cancer is spreading? It leads you down a dark and awful path to "Worryville." There is not a doubt in my mind that the psychological and emotional aspects of living with cancer far outweigh the physical ones. The roller coaster of emotions is just relentless and the hardest part is knowing that I will never be able to get off this awful ride. The timing seems like it couldn't be worse. My closest friend with metastatic BC just found out a few days ago that she has had a serious progression of her disease, after being stable with no evidence of disease for the past year. She has been scanned every three months and it's absolutely terrifying to me to think that so much can change in such a short period of time. It has been so hard to think of what she is going through and watch her grieve this news, and experience all of those emotions that we both felt when we were first diagnosed...fear, worry, doubt, doom, disbelief. I can't help but put myself in her shoes and wonder if I will have a similar fate. Will we have to start a new treatment plan? Will I have to have chemo again? Will my quality of life be as good if I am on a new medication with different side effects. I try so hard not to worry, but it is nearly impossible to not have these thoughts race through your mind. I wasn't prepared for this. I thought I would have until the end of August to have my "scanxiety" kick in and all of a sudden, it's upon me. I couldn't stop crying last night and feeling overwhelmed and scared. Today, I am still feeling a little down but I am trying to be very hopeful and optimistic that everything is fine, but all the "what if's" are terrifying nonetheless. I am begging for your prayers. Prayers that my spine is just as healthy (if not healthier!) than it was when I was scanned in February. Prayers that my current medication is still working and I can maintain my good quality of life. Prayers that the aches and pains subside in my back and that it is simply a result of increased activity. And especially, prayers to help me remember that every day is a blessing - that I am able to remain grateful - and that I am not consumed by fear and doubt. Thank you so much! I will be having my full body bone scan and spine MRI on July 2, followed by a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT on July 6. I will have to wait until July 12 to see Dr. F for my results since he is only at my clinic on Thursday's. I will definitely keep you all posted. xoxo, Meghan ps - please keep my stepdad, Doug and his siblings in your prayers as well. Doug lost his sweet and thoughtful dad last night, after leading a wonderful life for 95 years. I know this will be an extra difficult Father's Day for them this year. Thank you for being a great father figure, Doug. Happy Father's Day to you! And Happy Father's Day to my wonderful father in-law, Mike. We are so grateful you are feeling better. Love you! Memories often flash through my head like lightening bolts - in one second they appear, and in the next they are gone. Sometimes I have flashes of all sorts of memories that come storming through my mind in such a frenzy it's as if they are competing for my attention. Memories of my high school graduation, my wedding day, or just simple and ordinary moments like my mom picking me up from latch-key as a kid. My mom, Jeff and I would sing, laugh and tease each other in the car as we drove home. We would especially tease my mom about the smell of her feet after a long day in those lovely white nursing shoes she had to wear. (Sorry to call you out on the internet, Mom) :) Life was so simple back then. I long for life to be that simple again.
Tonight is one of those nights where I am just feeling sentimental. Maybe it's because Mike's out of town and I am alone in the house. Or, is it because I am listening to my Fleet Foxes station on Pandora and indulging in a rare glass of wine. Or, maybe it's because I spent the evening with my family and laughed, joke, and reminisced. As great as it feels to look back on the past and smile, it is also difficult for me. I look at old pictures and wonder, "did I have cancer then and just not know it yet", or "will I ever be that carefree and happy again?" Thinking of the past inevitabily causes me to then think about the future. I have always been a dreamer. I have always dreamed about where I would live, what my life would be like, how many kids would I have. I try to still have dreams but it's hard for me sometimes. I have been pouring in so much time and energy into Meg Malley Photography but I would be lying if I said there wasn't a tiny voice in the back of my head asking, "Is this all worth it? How many years will you even be here to run a business?" But, it's my dream so I am trying to focus on the present and continue to pursue it. Or when people refer to the future and say, "In five years, we'll do _____." The first thought in my head is, "will I be here in five years?" I beat those thoughts back into the recesses of my mind, but they creep back to the surface every now and then. I returned to work this past week and it truly felt really great. I am working (very) part time for now and I am grateful I am able to slowly adjust to this new chapter. It's amazing how tired I felt after one 5 hour shift! During my week back at work I noticed a few things.... 1) It's nice to feel like a professional again. I worked so incredibly hard for my doctorate degree and I was so worried I lost all of my skills and knowledge. It was so nice to put it all to use again and realize I am still good at my job. 2) It is nice to care for others and forget about yourself for awhile. 3) I am 100% confident I will be a much better clinician now that I understand what it is like to be a patient. Not a patient in the sense of having a doctors appointment every now and then - but a true, chronic, ongoing patient. I have such a deeper respect and understanding for all that my patients have been through and continue to go through. 4) It will be a difficult adjustment for me to realize that I have physical limitations that I must adhere to. I have always prided myself on being physically strong and able to independently transfer and care for most of my patients without assistance. After working just a of couple hours, I began to become aware of my achy back and tight chest and arm muscles - and was sadly reminded of all my body has been through. It will be a true test for me to learn how to ask for physical help at work and not feel inadequate because of it. 5) My priorities have shifted dramatically throughout the past year or so. As much as I love my job, it will always be more important to me that I have dinner with my husband every night rather than staying at work late. I have a follow up with my plastic surgeon on Monday and another appointment with Dr. F on Thursday for my 8 week follow up and monthly injections. I am hoping my blood work and everything continues to look good to the docs. My back has been bothering me a bit more than normal but I am hoping it will feel better as I transition back into my yoga practice. I'll keep you posted on what my wonderful docs have to say. :) Thank you for all the love and support - as always. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I truly appreciate it more than you know. xoxo, Meg And because every post is better with pictures....I've been super busy with my photography lately. Here are a few of the cuties I have been photographing.... Do you ever sit back and take a minute to reflect on exactly where you are in your life? Not in the sense of a geographical location, but where you are spiritually, psychologically, emotionally. How did you end up there? What events throughout your life led to this exact moment? Where would you be if you chose the other path when you came upon the fork in the road? We have all ended up exactly where we are based on a series of choices - and those choices have likely been influenced by a number of different people and circumstances throughout our lives. I think one major point of this crazy thing called life, is to learn from those choices - to reflect on where they led you - and to decide if that is a path you should continue to travel down, or perhaps it is time to venture out and try something new. Are you truly happy in this moment? If not, what can you do about it? Are there steps you can take to actively participate in the direction your life is heading? Or are you willing to sit back and watch it all unfold without attempting to change the angle of your sails and steer yourself towards what brings you joy in this world? The only way that I have found to live with true happiness while facing this disease, is to try to turn it into something positive. To try to somehow make a difference - to educate, to support, to befriend, to create awareness, to speak out. If I simply sat back and wallowed in self-pity about this hand that's been dealt to me, I would be miserable. What good would that do for anyone? For me, Mike, my family, and my friends - it would suck everyone down into a deep, dark hole. Instead, I have tried to do what I can to turn this situation around and make something good come from it. I am grateful that New Balance and Chris Pearson, the director of the Mid-Michigan affiliate of Susan G. Komen for the Cure gave me the opportunity to share my story last Sunday at the Race for the Cure in Lansing. I nervously stood on the steps leading up to the State Capital building and awaited my introduction. Just moments prior, I almost lost it as the opening ceremonies began and young dancers performed in front of the crowd. As I watched my mom and saw the tears stream down her face, I was reminded of how hard this is for everyone. But, I knew it was important that I take this opportunity to share my experience and try to make some kind of positive impact. As Mike and I walked up to the podium, I felt a wave of nervousness wash over me. But after bobbling the first few words of my speech, I took a breath and simply spoke from the heart. I shared my story and emphasized what I believe to be the most important aspects of my journey - that it is a myth that young women are not affected by breast cancer, and that there needs to be more research and awareness for metastatic disease because no one dies from breast cancer unless they become metastatic. Research investigating why cancer cells metastasize and how to stop this from happening are the only ways we will actually find a true cure! Thankfully, I was able to get through my entire speech without breaking down. That was one of my goals because once those flood gates open, good luck getting them closed for awhile! I want to thank Mike for literally and figuratively always standing right by my side, no matter what. There is no one I would rather travel down this road with than you! Thank you to my family and friends that came out to support me and to all of you that sent me well wishes and good luck vibes from afar. I am so thankful that I have received such amazing feedback from this - especially from my friends in the metastatic breast cancer community. I truly wanted to represent them well and speak on behalf of every single one of them. If you would like to see my speech, please click on the link below. Looks like I can cross this one of my bucket list..."Share your story in front of 5,000 people!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIGpjie-3aE&feature=youtu.be Here are a few pics from the day that Kyle captured... I don't know what made Mike happier - listening to me speak or meeting MSU's football coach, Mark Dantonio and hearing him mention me in his speech to the crowd. I love all of you guys - thank you so much for coming! Sorry we missed Aunt Erin, Mary, Melis, Brad and Payton in our group pic. Well, tomorrow at 6:30am we are due to check in at the hospital for my next scheduled surgery - never a dull moment around here I guess. :) My surgery will begin at 8am and will last a couple of hours, followed by a couple of hours in recovery before I am able to head home. This is (hopefully) the last major step in my reconstruction process. Tomorrow, Dr. M will open up my scars from the double mastectomy and he will proceed to remove the tissue expanders and replace them with implants. He will then make some fine-tuning adjustments to ensure a proper fit, size and shape. Dr. M has informed me that I will likely be sore and down and out for a few days. I will have strict restrictions to avoid any lifting, carrying, pushing or pulling for 2 weeks at a minimum, and no returning to work for at least 4 weeks. Thankfully, momma nurse Jan and Mike will be here all weekend and into next week making sure that I am doing just fine. I am expecting surgery to go smoothly and that I will have an uneventful and speedy recovery. I would greatly appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers as I head into surgery tomorrow - not just for me but for my family as they anxiously await the outcome, and for my medical team that will be taking care of me. Thank you all so much for your enduring support and we will be sure to update you soon once I am out of surgery. xoxo, Meghan Hi-ya friends...the Malley household is hustling and bustling like the good ole' days lately. Mike is in full swing with the baseball season (pun intended...hehe), I have officially started a new business venture (which I'll fill you in on soon), and I have been super busy juggling all sorts of other things like meetings about returning to work and getting tons done around the house before my next surgery...which is in 8 days! yikes! It finally feels like we are back to a little bit of what life was like before I was diagnosed - full schedules involving both work and play, cooking & eating dinner together every night (and at the kitchen table - no longer eating while laying on the couch or in bed), and just enjoying feeling well enough to tackle all sorts of things. I realized that my 30th birthday came and went without me ever wrapping up my ambitious "30 before 30" list. I will admit - I didn't accomplish everything. But I will say, it was a valiant effort and I will definitely continue to cross off the rest of my list as the year progresses. Here is how I fared.... I have some pretty big things coming up in the next week. This coming Sunday, April 29 is the Mid-Michigan Race for the Cure in Lansing. I am proud to be the "New Balance Honorary Survivor" of this years race and I will be speaking at the opening ceremonies on the steps of the Capital building. I am using this opportunity to not only share my story, but stress the critical importance of further research in the field of breast cancer. I think that Komen and other organizations have done a great job of spreading awareness - but it's time for more! We all know what a pink ribbon means. Now it's time to really step up our game and put our money where our mouth is and find a cure! I am nervous to be speaking in front of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people but I feel like it is my responsibility to advocate for myself and the other men and women that are battling for their lives right along side me. Publicly speaking about myself and what I have been through is always an emotional thing for me so I am grateful that some of my close friends and family members will be there to support me. That truly means so much to me. The opening ceremonies begin at 1pm at the Capital in Lansing. If you would like more information, want to join our team, or donate to this cause, please click here. The next big thing on the agenda after the Race for the Cure is that I will be having surgery next Friday, May 4. This is the next step in my reconstruction process. The surgery itself should only take a couple hours and I will come home that same day. I will share more details on that next week but needless to say, undergoing surgery is always an anxious time. I will once again be asking for all of you prayer warriors out there to start storming the heavens again. In the meantime, here are some snapshots from my iphone to show you what I have been up to lately....weekly trips to the farmers market, lots of Kettering baseball games, new tasty recipes, juicing my veggies, roughly 30 or so pills every morning and then again at night, zoo trips with friends, doctors appointments, and babysitting our sweet Goddaughter...life is good! Hope you all have a great weekend and that I see some of you on Sunday at the Mid-Michigan Race for the Cure in Lansing! xoxo, Meg Could you hear the sound of my huge exhale this morning?! I think I let out the biggest, loudest sigh of relief I have ever experienced in my life. The scan results were great - thank you God! I am so grateful, so relieved, so over the moon with hope and optimism.
Leading up to this day, I had been feeling an odd sense of calm about these results. Of course there was a part of me that was nervous, but it was different this time. I felt such a sense of peace and faith that no matter what Dr. F told us, it would be okay. If the results weren't what we hoped, we would figure out a new path and continue to travel down it with just as much determination as we have up to this point. But then my back started hurting a little bit - and the nerves started to set in a little. My back had been feeling great but it started to feel a little more achy and stiff the past few days and I started thinking, "oh my God, is this a sign that it has spread throughout my bones?" Mike reminded me that we spent many hours sitting in uncomfortable conference chairs in New Orleans and then walked 5 or 6 miles a day as we explored the Big Easy. But, I couldn't help but worry that it was a bad omen. Even still, I felt good this morning - I felt calm and pretty relaxed heading into my appointment. That was until Dr. F walked into the room. Last time, he walked right in and said, "your scans look good". Boom - good news right off the bat - then I could breathe. Well, this time he walked in looking more serious than normal. Immediately, I looked over at Mike and felt worried. He proceeded to ask me about my symptoms and how I was feeling...why is he asking me this first? Does that mean things are worse? What isn't he saying? He then asked about New Orleans and we chatted about the conference, he did a full physical exam and it wasn't until about 8 hours later (or so it seemed) that he finally sat down on his stool and said, "the scans look good". AHHHHH.....I can breathe! And then the floodgates opened. I couldn't help but cry - for the first time ever, I cried in front of one of my doctors. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of gratitude. Overall, the scans showed no new evidence of disease. The medications I am taking are continuing to keep the cancer under control and prevent the further spread of the disease. The spots that have been visible on my spine continue to show evidence of healing. I can continue to stay the course and keep doing what I am doing. THANK YOU GOD! Thank you to all of you for your continued prayers, cards, emails, texts, etc. I truly believe in the power of prayer and I feel so blessed to have hundreds of people around the country (and some even around the world), praying for me and my family and sending us positive thoughts and well wishes. I can never say enough how much it means to us. I am not only celebrating this news with Mike and my mom, Doug and Jeff - but with my extended family, my friends, and each and every one of you that has followed my journey and kept me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much! Life is good - have a wonderful day and take some time to be grateful for all the blessings in your life! xoxo, Meg ps - I haven't had time to go through all my pics from the conference and New Orleans yet. I took over 500 of them! But here are a few quick shots from my iphone :) We had a wonderful time in New Orleans and I can't wait to tell you more about it soon! |
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