As we settled into bed on Wednesday night, I pulled out my trusty pink notebook that has been my constant companion since last March. "Okay, time to put our list together", I said to Mike. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my oncologist and per our usual ritual in the Malley house, we generated our list of questions and concerns for Dr. F the night before.
"Make sure to tell Dr. F that my last surgery was May 4th...tell him I just saw Dr. M on Monday and he gave me the green light to exercise my arms...I am back to work and it's going well...still bruising a lot, so how does blood work look?" And before Mike drifted off to sleep, he reminded me for about the 100th time, "please make sure to talk to Dr. F about your back." Ah yes, my back. The one thing that has been a trouble maker from the start. This is the area we have worried about from Day #1 when a questionable little spot appeared on those first diagnostic tests. I was heading into this appointment on my own this time so Mike made me promise that I would be honest with Dr. F about my increased back pain and the symptoms I have been having lately. So, I shared with Dr. F that I feel about 80 years old when I wake up in the morning. That my entire back feels achy and so incredibly stiff. I told him that I experience a dull achy pain throughout my thoracic and lumbar spine at the end of most days. And, I shared with him the terrifying and excruciating pain I experienced on Tuesday when I had severe muscle spasms throughout my paraspinal muscles while sitting at my desk at work. I haven't experienced spasms like that since last fall and it is just about the most painful thing I have ever felt. BUT, I also explained to Dr. F that I have been doing a lot more lately. I have been at the gym more, I have been busy with lots of photo sessions that require me to get in all sorts of goofy positions while photographing children. I told him that I have also been spending hours and hours on end at my desk editing my photographs and learning how to run a business. I told Dr. F that although my family has often suggested I get an MRI done, I don't have any interest in having my scans completed any earlier than originally scheduled. I explained that I have been looking forward to feeling "normal" and enjoying this summer without worrying about test results. Unfortunately, Dr. F really didn't see eye to eye with me on my whole "ignorance is bliss" theory. He decided to move my scans up so we can see what's going on. Logically, I am thankful that he is so attentive and proactive, but right now I am just feeling sad, scared, and anxious. Just when life was starting to feel more normal again, now I have to worry about this. It is so difficult to live this way - to feel all sorts of aches and pains and always have to wonder, is the disease causing this pain? Has my medication stopped working? Does this mean the cancer is spreading? It leads you down a dark and awful path to "Worryville." There is not a doubt in my mind that the psychological and emotional aspects of living with cancer far outweigh the physical ones. The roller coaster of emotions is just relentless and the hardest part is knowing that I will never be able to get off this awful ride. The timing seems like it couldn't be worse. My closest friend with metastatic BC just found out a few days ago that she has had a serious progression of her disease, after being stable with no evidence of disease for the past year. She has been scanned every three months and it's absolutely terrifying to me to think that so much can change in such a short period of time. It has been so hard to think of what she is going through and watch her grieve this news, and experience all of those emotions that we both felt when we were first diagnosed...fear, worry, doubt, doom, disbelief. I can't help but put myself in her shoes and wonder if I will have a similar fate. Will we have to start a new treatment plan? Will I have to have chemo again? Will my quality of life be as good if I am on a new medication with different side effects. I try so hard not to worry, but it is nearly impossible to not have these thoughts race through your mind. I wasn't prepared for this. I thought I would have until the end of August to have my "scanxiety" kick in and all of a sudden, it's upon me. I couldn't stop crying last night and feeling overwhelmed and scared. Today, I am still feeling a little down but I am trying to be very hopeful and optimistic that everything is fine, but all the "what if's" are terrifying nonetheless. I am begging for your prayers. Prayers that my spine is just as healthy (if not healthier!) than it was when I was scanned in February. Prayers that my current medication is still working and I can maintain my good quality of life. Prayers that the aches and pains subside in my back and that it is simply a result of increased activity. And especially, prayers to help me remember that every day is a blessing - that I am able to remain grateful - and that I am not consumed by fear and doubt. Thank you so much! I will be having my full body bone scan and spine MRI on July 2, followed by a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT on July 6. I will have to wait until July 12 to see Dr. F for my results since he is only at my clinic on Thursday's. I will definitely keep you all posted. xoxo, Meghan ps - please keep my stepdad, Doug and his siblings in your prayers as well. Doug lost his sweet and thoughtful dad last night, after leading a wonderful life for 95 years. I know this will be an extra difficult Father's Day for them this year. Thank you for being a great father figure, Doug. Happy Father's Day to you! And Happy Father's Day to my wonderful father in-law, Mike. We are so grateful you are feeling better. Love you!
24 Comments
Kyle
6/15/2012 10:56:10 pm
Oh friend, I pray that the back pain is just from your increased activity and increased time at your computer. My heart aches for your anxiety, but feels hopeful for good results and that this is just a little speed bump in your 'normal' summer. I have a feeling that the big guy upstairs is going to be overwhelmed with all the prayers that are gonna be sent up between now and mid July, we have your back friend. I love you.
Reply
Sally
6/16/2012 12:20:28 am
Hey sweet girl,
Reply
Jen
6/16/2012 12:24:26 pm
Hi Meghan, we've never met, but we're step-cousins. I'm Doug's sister Wendy's daughter. I've been following your blog since you started it, when Uncle Doug sent out the link to all of us. I've been inspired by your strength and have shared your story with others dealing with cancer. I truly hope that your back pain is just a symptom of being more active, and the scan will show no problems and you can ease your mind. Sending healing thoughts your way!
Reply
Beth Jorgensen
6/17/2012 09:52:15 am
I'm always praying for you and Mike and thinking about you guys. I'll make sure to say extra prayers about your scans.
Reply
Mama Gina V.
6/17/2012 10:02:19 pm
Oh Meghan, my healing prayers are with you and close to my heart. May you feel calm and be positive. Throw out the bad thoughts and only let in the good. God is with you and so are all that care about you. Send out the waves with deep meditation and know that you are a fighter and you will gather the strenghth you need. I will be praying for you.
Reply
Gina V.
6/17/2012 10:04:33 pm
I am so very sorry to hear about Doug's Father. Please give him my warmest regards. xoxo
Reply
Brinley
6/18/2012 01:25:30 am
My prayers continue, loud and clear. I imagine there are no words to really calm your fears and anxiety but take peace in knowing that there are endless prayers and good thoughts coming your way. Love you, Meg.
Reply
Marty and Keely
6/18/2012 10:34:29 am
Meghan, I will pray double what I have been doing and I will send more positive energy your way. I will be thinking of you and hoping that your back pain is from getting back into the swing of things. Remember rest often. Don't lose your amazing spirit. I can't wait to see you and get our pictures taken.
Reply
Aunt Erin
6/18/2012 11:05:41 am
Sweet Megs,
Reply
Aubri
6/18/2012 12:20:42 pm
sending you tons of healthy and calming good energy and lots of prayers Meghan!! hang in there!
Reply
Mary Jane Hsu
6/18/2012 10:03:39 pm
Meghan dear, the prayers continue as always! I am so sorry that you have to wait so long for the scan, and the results.
Reply
Danny Boy
6/18/2012 10:48:27 pm
"Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." ~Mary C. Crowley
Reply
Sarah B
6/19/2012 09:49:38 am
Dear Meg
Reply
Marie Holmes
6/19/2012 12:27:11 pm
Hi Meghan,
Reply
Sara Walker
6/19/2012 12:29:01 pm
Love, prayers and hugs to you friend! <3
Reply
Barb A
6/19/2012 12:40:17 pm
Meghan Honey,So sorry for your new worries. I will pray harder than usual for you that the back pain is just from over activity.Love, Barb PS Thank you for the fb bday greeting!
Reply
Elizabeth
6/19/2012 01:43:28 pm
Meg,
Reply
Michael_T_Malley
6/20/2012 01:25:44 am
Meghan,
Reply
Melissa Dinslage
6/20/2012 12:15:34 pm
Meghan,
Reply
Kari Kuper
6/21/2012 04:01:41 am
Meghan,
Reply
Mary
6/25/2012 04:15:01 am
In my prayers! Hope your traverse city trip helped to focus your attention on something else..if even just for a couple of hours.
Reply
Aunt Carol
6/26/2012 02:32:25 pm
Hey lady!!
Reply
Patty L
6/26/2012 03:50:44 pm
You can count on us for a strong direct prayer that your back is very healthy and that your medications are working!!!!! We never stop praying or thinking of you both. We are sorry you have to go through this awful waiting period...we will think very POSITIVE thoughts. Much love-Patty & family xoxo
Reply
Kara
7/5/2012 10:15:53 am
Praying for you and hoping that all goes well tomorrow! Love you friend.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy blog to keep you all Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|