I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. A lot of deep thinking. Reflecting. Evaluating. Processing. I have had a difficult few weeks - for many reasons that I don't even have the energy to get into. I know that the feelings I have experienced lately are justified, and yet I feel that even as I type them I should immediately erase each word and be grateful for all of my blessings. I am discovering that I don't quite understand how to let myself have tough days and feel those heartbreaking emotions, and let myself cry and be sad for a bit, without feeling like I am ungrateful. If I am stressed out, upset or frustrated and try to process those emotions, I immediately feel like I need to just let it all go and stop complaining because I know how much worse everything could be. I remind myself that my scans came out good so how dare I worry or complain about anything. I found out today that I lost a friend from my support group. She was 43 with 2 kids and had metastatic breast cancer too. What could I possibly have to complain about? But I know this isn't healthy. I know that I am not only allowed to feel these emotions, but I know that it's important to do so. But why can't I just let myself do it? How do I balance processing the frustration and sadness I often feel about my life while also balancing it with my true sense of gratitude and joy. I feel like I am in a constant state of emotional turmoil. I've said it before, and I will say it again - the emotional and psychological aspect of living with this disease is far greater than any physical discomfort I have ever experienced. I don't know what I would do without my "inner circle" of close family & friends. You know who you are. The ones I can share everything with and I know you won't judge me - you won't try to tell me that everything is fine and try to make it all better. You listen and you love me and you offer guidance that is so appreciated. I have relied on you all even more lately and I can't thank you enough for your support. I mean it when I say I would be totally lost without you. Physically, I am doing pretty well. Tomorrow I will get my shots in the morning before I head into work. I am still having some issues with my reconstruction - despite having surgery again in November - but I saw Dr. M a week or so ago and he isn't too concerned, despite the unusual symptoms I am now experiencing. I am having some chest/arm pain but thankfully I work with some great PT's that are helping me with that. A perk of the job. :) I continue to battle constant hot flashes, back pain and difficulty sleeping - but I would take that all in a heartbeat for continued clean scans! In a nutshell - everything is great, but I know I need some help on how to process all of the emotions and thoughts that run through my head and heart every day. I plan on looking into that soon. Thank you for always keeping us in your prayers. Please add my friend Reem's family to them this week. May she rest in peace. xoxo, Meghan A message I enjoyed this week... Happy 6th birthday to my baby boy, Wrigley. Thank you for making my feet warmer, my days brighter, and my heart happier. My life is better because you are in it.
14 Comments
Aunt Carol
1/23/2013 11:30:11 pm
Meghan - I love you! In this moment and every other one along the way!!
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Patty L
2/14/2013 01:46:46 pm
Love to both you and your hubby. You are always in my prayers and thoughts. I wish you moments of peace as you continue to bravely and gracefully fight this dreadful disease. You are simply amazing!!XO
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tamara barrow
12/23/2020 10:58:51 am
this is real take it serious, who will believe that a herb can cure ten
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Diane Daley
1/24/2013 10:36:36 am
I cannot imagine all that you have been through and while you have done so remarkably, you cannot beat yourself up for feeling anything at this point.
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Chelki
1/24/2013 11:43:29 pm
Love you much!
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Diane P.
1/25/2013 01:16:02 am
Happy Birthday Wrig!!!! Keep up the good work bringing joy to your mom and dad day after day!
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Amy
1/31/2013 06:04:32 am
Meg, I've been following your blog since you were featured in the Free Press, and I think of you/pray for you often. Your post reminded me of a book that I'm reading for a Bible study...it's called "A Sacred Sorrow - (Experience Guide): Reaching Out to God in the Lost Language of Lament." The Bible is full of people who just let it all out to God, and share their anger, frustration, hopelessness, fear, doubt, etc. (esp the Psalms & Job) Not only is it ok to have those feelings, but God wants us to vent to him. The book says that venting/lamenting to God is an act of worship to him...he wants all of us, not just the positive side we put on for the world. God meets us in the depths of our darkness and is with us, even when he seems very far away. Hope this helps...and I will keep praying for you emotionally and physically!!! Amy :)
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Mark & Carolyn
2/11/2013 05:23:36 am
Meghan,
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Aunt Erin
2/16/2013 02:16:31 pm
I'm so glad you let didn't erase anything and instead let it out. I hope in some small measure that it helps you. You have a right to everything you are feeling and then some. I'll keep your friend and her family in my prayers, Happy birthday to Wrigley. I love you girl!
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Melissa
4/18/2014 11:26:19 pm
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rose
7/14/2014 06:40:40 am
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rose
7/14/2014 06:41:20 am
My name is Rose from Canada I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is still unbelievable to me until now. I had a problem with my husband 5years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem, his name is Dr Salami. I email Dr Salami the spell caster and i told him my problem and, i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband called me and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and i was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy. Thanks to Dr Salami for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work sir, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is ([email protected]) or call his mobile number +2347056024545 you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too.([email protected]).
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sandra
7/24/2019 06:14:31 pm
MY APPRECIATION AND GRATITUDE TO DR PETER WHO CURE ME FROM HIV/AIDS,
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smith
8/8/2019 09:52:41 pm
Am a living kidney testifies, i was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease
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