Let the "scanxiety" begin....ugh, it's that dreaded time of year when I get all my scans redone. I try very hard to remain calm, optimistic and hopeful - but let me tell you, it's pretty tough. I have come to realize that this scanxiety is something that will never go away. It doesn't matter how many times I have a good scan - the worry, doubt and fear all come creeping back in when it's time to be scanned again. Although I like to focus on how wonderful it will feel to get news that I am still in remission, that I can stay on my current treatment regimen, and that everything I have been through is paying off - I can't help but be terrified of the alternative. That the cancer is active again, that it's spread, that my medicines are no longer effective, that it's infiltrated my liver or brain. My wonderful friend Meredith has taught me to try to think of the worst possible scenario and how I would handle that, and what would our plan be. That way, it takes away some of the fear of the unknown and you can try to help prepare yourself in some way should that be the news you receive. I have been spending some time thinking about this lately and trying to think about how my life could once again change in an instant when Dr. F delivers my scan results. Would I have to start chemo again? Would I need more radiation? Do I need to start new medications? What would the side effects of those be? Do I need to look into clinical trials? Last night as Mike and I laid in bed, I asked him that very question -"What would we do if the results show it has spread?" His response is just another example of why I am so blessed to have him love me. Without hesitation, he simply stated, "We would do anything we had to do to get you better." Over the course of these past 11 months, I have been slowly adjusting to living a life with cancer. I have come to understand that I will deal with this disease and its effects in one way or another for the rest of my life. Fine - no problem - I can do that. I just want to remain stable. I pray that the disease is still stable, and that I can continue living my life as I am right now. Aside from a few minor things, I have very little side effects with my current treatment plan. I feel good about 90% of the time. I am enjoying being back at the gym and back to yoga classes. I look forward to returning to my job after my next surgery. I am able to travel and spend time with family and friends without worrying too much about how my body will hold up. So, I can't help but worry about these upcoming results changing all of this for me. I used to say, "okay, I have cancer but hopefully I won't lose my hair", and then it went to "okay, I have to lose my hair but maybe I won't have to lose my breasts." Then it once again changed to, "well, I have to lose my breasts but please just let me still be able to have children." Sadly that statement was forced to transform once again into, "well, I can't have children but please just let me be stable and lead a long life with Mike." And of course "stability" is what I truly want - if I can't be cured (although I do still believe in miracles!), then I pray for stability - for a long, long time. But it all truly boils down to one thing - I can (and have) given up so, so much - and I would gladly do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would allow me to lead a long and happy life with the people I love. But you see, no one can make such promises. None of us know what our future holds and how much time we have. The difference is that I never used to worry about dying before - I took it for granted that not everyone is afforded a long and healthy life like I assumed I would have. So, I have to make the conscious decision to try to release the worry and fear and give it up to God because I am not the one in control. All I can do is continue to live each day to the fullest and be grateful for each day. With that said, I would sincerely appreciate as many prayers, healing thoughts, and uplifting words as you can possibly share right now. These times are very tough- not only myself, but for Mike, Mom, Doug and Jeff as we all anxiously await the results. Please pray that this disease is still in remission, that my spine is healing, that my organs are free and clear of disease, and that our anxiety and worry doesn't consume us while we wait for the results. My tests are scheduled for this Tuesday and Wednesday and we won't receive the results until the following Thursday, which is March 1st. You have no idea how much your prayers, thoughts, and comments help lift us up and keep our spirits high during these times! Thankfully, Mike and I will have a great distraction from my scan results. We leave for New Orleans on Thursday morning! We are actually going to attend a breast cancer conference but we will have plenty of extra time to just enjoy the city on our own. We are such great travel partners and always have the best time when we are exploring somewhere new with each other. Exactly one year ago was the last trip we took by ourselves when we visited Seattle just a few weeks before I was diagnosed. Check out some images from our trip here. We had the best time and I am sure New Orleans will be no different! Friday evening through Sunday morning we will be attending the Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer. Young women under the age of forty come from all over the world to attend this conference. There are excellent guests speakers, many of which are leading researchers in the field of breast cancer. There are numerous break out sessions dealing with everything from integrative medicine, an update on the latest metastatic research, and even sessions solely for male caregivers. We are both looking forward to learning a lot and I also hope to meet other young women with metastatic disease such as myself. Of course, we will find plenty of time for some beignets at Cafe du Monde, grabbing a great cajun meal, and checking out the sites of the French Quarter. We are really looking forward to it. Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and prayers for my upcoming tests - I will be sure to update the blog next week once I get the results!
xoxo, Meghan
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Spending four days in the warmth and (occasional) sunshine of Florida with the Johnson fam was definitely good for the soul. Although Brin and I chat every few days and she is so great about sending me pictures and videos of my little buddy Andrew, it pales in comparison to spending time together in person. It was so much fun to see how much Andrew has grown and changed over these last few months and I was so grateful to be able to be at his first birthday party! Brinley put so much time, attention and love into Andrew's party and it was simply perfect. From the adorable whale shaped desserts, to the starfish sandwiches, and the month by month pictures documenting Andrew's first year -Brin thought of everything! All of the adults and kiddos had a wonderful time, and most importantly, Andrew was showered with lots of love and attention as he celebrated his first birthday! Brin, Andy & Andrew - thank you so much for such a wonderful visit. I am so grateful for these moments together. I love you guys so much and miss you already! ps-tell Puka I miss his nightly snuggles too! ;) Last week was the first week since mid-September that I didn't have at least one doctor appointment! So crazy. It was nice to have some time to just rest, visit Julie and her kiddos in Ann Arbor, and celebrate two of my besties turning the big 3-0! It was fun to get a little dolled up on Saturday night and go out to celebrate with my friends - it's been awhile! Happy birthday Meg & Nic! I am so thankful for fun times like these because often the days in between can be difficult for me. I am feeling good physically, but the mental and emotional aspect of living with this disease is a day to day struggle. In the past week, I have heard of three women I knew of (although never met) dying of metastatic breast cancer. The week before that, two women in my online support group passed away. Most of these women were in their thirties. Each and every time I hear something like this, it is a huge blow and usually puts me into a funk for awhile. It just feels surreal sometimes to think about the fact that I am battling a disease that will very likely take my life one day. Some days I just can't believe it. Thankfully, I have the most incredible husband on the planet and he always knows how to help me regain my focus on the positive and all the blessings in our lives. I am also so grateful for my new dear friend, Lorri. She is riding this same crazy roller coaster and we have so much in common - from our amazingly supportive husbands to our thoughts on our lifestyles and nutrition. During our first phone conversation which lasted nearly 3 hours, we basically completed each others sentences. I am beyond grateful to be able to call or text Lorri when I am feeling down or scared, or when I am excited about a great survivor story I heard. It is such a blessing to have a friend to turn to that truly knows exactly what I am going through and what a difficult journey this truly is.
And of course, as always, I continue to thank God every night for all of the prayers and support from all of you. I truly mean it. I will never be able to accurately put into words what it means to me when I meet someone that follows the blog and they tell me they are praying for me. Or when I get an email from a newly diagnosed woman that has been directed to my blog and she says she finds strength and inspiration from it. I just never expected it and I am not sure how to react when people say these things, but I just want to thank everyone that continues to support me and pray for me. Next month will be one full year since I was diagnosed! Can you believe it?! I truly never realized how much strength and hope I would receive from all of you following my journey, so all I can say is thank you for being there for me each and every step of the way for all these months. Please continue to keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. I came across this passage today and it made me think of my own journey. It was especially poignant for me today as I thought about the women that we have lost over these last few weeks. It is a constant struggle whether to allow myself to read other women's blogs, or whether to allow myself to become close to other women with late stage disease. I know it puts me in a vulnerable position - as many become very ill and sadly succumb to the disease. But although it hurts, I will continue to reach out to them, just as all of you have reached out to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. "Write about your own experience. By that experience someone else may be a bit richer some day. Read widely of others’ experiences in thought and action – stretch to others even though it hurts and strains and would be more comfortable to snuggle back into the comforting cotton-wool of blissful ignorance. Hurl yourself at goals above your head and bear the lacerations that come when you slip and make a fool of yourself. Try always as long as you have breath in your body to take the hard way, the Spartan way – and work, work, work to build yourself into a rich continually evolving entity." - Sylvia Plath xoxo, Meg As Mike laid in the hospital bed in pre-op, we laughed at each other and decided we are much more comfortable in our usual roles. I couldn't help but giggle as I watched my normally calm and collected husband become anxious and jittery while I became the quiet (yet nervous) caregiver waiting in the wings. Thankfully, Mike's surgery went just as his surgeon had hoped it would and he is feeling better each day. He started to go a little nuts sitting around the house after a few days, so he happily returned to work on Monday. There is still a ways to go as far as wound healing is concerned, but we are glad this little speed bump is behind us. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers - we truly appreciated it so much! Although this was the first week in a very long time that I wasn't at Karmanos, I still had a couple other doc appointments to go to. On Monday I met with my plastic surgeon Dr. M for my follow up now that radiation is over. He is very pleased with how well my skin looks. You would never believe how quickly it healed! The bright red, perfect square outline that adorned my chest two weeks ago has almost completely disappeared. I honestly contribute this to religiously applying Aquaphor all over my chest three times each day, in conjunction with a very healthy diet. Dr. M said everything looks great and we can proceed with our plan to swap out the expanders and put in the implants. That surgery is now scheduled for May 4 and I am very much looking forward to it! Aside from doc appointments, another big appointment I had this week was to get my hair did! ;) For the first time since shaving my hair 10 months ago, I was ready! It has been growing like a weed since the late summer and I was fearful I would wake up any day now with a mullet so I knew something must be done, stat! I went to a new hairstylist that does a lot of short 'dos and she came up with a great plan for me. It's a little tricky to try to keep a cute short style since my ultimate goal is to grow it back out. She just trimmed it up a bit and blew out the curls a little so that I ended up with this wavy faux-hawk...what do you think?! While I was at the salon, I experienced something that I knew was bound to happen but I just wasn't sure when. All of these many months since my diagnosis, I have lived in somewhat of a cocoon. Nearly everyone I encountered knew my story, or could tell I was bald, or saw me at Karmanos where every patient is obviously dealing with cancer. It has always made me feel protected and secure. But I knew that the time was swiftly approaching when I would enter back into the real world and have to try to be "normal" again - not Meghan, the cancer patient. I had a feeling it would be a difficult transition. The hairdresser asked, "So, what's going on with your hair? What do you want to do today?" I proceed to tell her and her assistant that I lost my hair from chemo and this is my first haircut since it started growing back at the end of the summer. I am proud of being a cancer survivor and I have no shame sharing this with them. Well, her next set of questions go something like this... Hairdresser: So, what kind of cancer 'did' you 'have'? Me: Breast cancer Hairdresser: Did you have surgery too? Me: Yep, chemo followed by surgery and then radiation Hairdresser: Wow, so now that all of that is done, you are cancer free and it's gone?! Me: Ugh..........um, well, not exactly.......(start sweating and feeling a little awkward) This is where I think, "crap, I knew this was going to happen eventually". How do you try to explain to someone that you didn't 'have' cancer. That you still do HAVE cancer and that you always will. How do you try to make other people understand without freaking them out or having to spend an eternity sharing your life story with them? Me: Well, actually I have stage IV breast cancer which means it has spread past my breast and lymph nodes to other areas of my body, like my spine. There is no cure for it. Hairdresser: (looks dumbfounded, mouth agape) Oh really? (It's obvious she doesn't know what to say next) Are you going to lose your hair again? ***It's at about this time that I notice that I have also captured the attention of the clients and hairdressers on either side of my chair*** Me: Well, there is a chance I will have to have chemo again. I am in remission right now and hope to stay that way. As long as my cancer behaves and doesn't start causing problems again, I will be okay. She was a total sweetheart and was very kind and compassionate. But none the less, it was a difficult moment for me. Sure, I could've just said - "yep, I am in remission" and left it like that. It would have led her to believe I am cancer free and have put that chapter behind me like many survivors are able to do. That would have been the easier route. That would have made her and the others listening a lot more comfortable. It would have opened the door for them to say, "Yay! Congratulations! That is great that you are a survivor!" But I don't get those kind of cheers. Many people have no clue what to say or how to react. And I don't blame them for that in the slightest. But, that does not mean I mislead them into thinking I am cancer-free. So many of us with metastatic cancer already feel like we are overlooked, or ignored - that our stories aren't shared - that our triumphs aren't celebrated because we aren't able to be that perfect success story - the one that is the happy ending that everyone wants to hear. I refuse to help perpetuate that problem. So, although it made me a little uncomfortable, and although it sparked a few blank stares my way, and even if it incited a hot flash - I will continue to share my story - the real one, the uncensored one. I am sorry if it makes someone feel uncomfortable but I would be doing a huge disservice to all of us that battle chronic illnesses if I didn't speak honestly about what I am dealing with. Rather than being part of the problem, I am choosing to be part of the solution. I see it as a privilege to educate as many people as I can and to let them know that there are thousands of people out there like me. We are still survivors! We are surviving this disease each and every hour, each and every day - and we need you to help support us and celebrate our victories with us, no matter how small they may seem. So although this transition back into the "real world" hasn't fully taken place, certain aspects of it have begun. I know once I eventually return to work and interact with new patients again, somehow my cancer may come up. Or when I meet someone new in my personal life and they ask if we are going to have children, this may come up. I don't plan on rambling to every stranger I meet at the grocery store about my disease and what the word metastatic means, but when the situation presents itself and I am faced with that choice to either gloss over the details of my diagnosis or share the truth behind it, I will always choose the latter. And I believe we will all be better for it. Well, it's now 2:20am and my alarm is set to go off at 6:20am so I better hit the hay. Will I be tired in the morning? Sure thing. But will I really care? No way. Want to know why? Because I am headed to West Palm Beach, Florida to visit this little munchin and help celebrate his 1st birthday!!! That's right...I am escaping the cold and headed to sunny Florida for a nice long weekend. I cannot wait to see Brinley, Andy and little Andrew! I haven't seen them since a super quick visit while we were in Fort Lauderdale for Labor Day. It's going to be the perfect "end of radiation celebration" gift to myself and can't wait to see my favorite Floridian friends. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo, Meg ps - If you could say an extra prayer for my friend, Pam as she undergoes a double mastectomy on Monday. Pam, I am sure it will go just fine and you will be back up on your feet before you know it! Hang in there! I woke up on New Years Eve and while still laying in bed next to Mike, I shouted, "Peace out 2011, adios, sayonara"...and I might have even thrown in a four letter word about how much I hated 2011 and how eager I was to bid farewell to the year. But then I thought about it a little bit more and came to a few realizations. Not to sound dramatic, but dealing with a life-threatening illness gives you a perspective on things that's greater than what you realized was even possible. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how wonderful 2011 was, while at the same time being the most devastating and difficult year of my life. Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense when I put it like that, huh? Well, although 2011 brought the "C word" into our lives, the year was also filled with many other amazing things.... - The birth of 4 of my best friends babies - Mike & I took a fabulous trip to Seattle just weeks before I was diagnosed - We were spoiled with 2 visits to Michigan from our favorite Floridian friends :) - We were still able to attend 6 of our friends/families weddings (out of the 12 we were invited to) - Experienced the unforgettable 3 Day For a Cure event with my amazing team and all of you that came to support us - We not only visited Seattle, but went to Petosky, Nashville, Ludington, Sage Lake with my girls, and Fort Lauderdale - all while I was undergoing chemo - and Chicago the month after my surgery - Had 3 of my wonderful sorority sisters come visit for a weekend while they were here for the 3 Day For A Cure event - I went to my first U of M football game at The Big House! ...and it was their first ever night game....and they beat Notre Dame! - I met Kris Carr - a true inspiration - Had a visit from Sarah, one of my best friends and roommates from college who came all the way from Denver - Was able to get together with 4 more of my wonderful college roomies just after Christmas - Mike and I had the huge honor of becoming Godparents to sweet little Alice - I have met and forged friendships with so many amazing people that I likely would have never known if it weren't for my diagnosis this year - And had countless other wonderful moments with our friends and family - whether it was a quick visit, a night out together, or the incredible "Love Fest" - we have made so many great memories with everyone! So while it would be easy to say how awful this year has been, how much heartache and tears it has caused, how much we have had to give up and miss out on....how can I possibly look at it in such a negative way when I look at that list of incredible moments from this year. During a time when I could have curled up in a ball, stayed under the covers and felt sorry for myself, I chose to live! To get up each and every day and try to make the best of it - whether I am feeling a little sad or achy, tired or frustrated - I have never let it stop me from living my life and doing all of the things I love. I have heard many people say that cancer was somewhat of a blessing in their lives because it taught them how to live life to the fullest and enjoy each moment. Well, I am so thankful that I have always lived this way. Mike and I have always packed our calendars with amazing things like 10 or 12 weddings in a year, weekend getaways, and countless nights with friends. Sure, my cancer treatment has slowed me down a bit - but it has not taken over my life or stopped me from creating these lasting memories with the people I love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every single one of you that has helped me get through 2011. Whether you are one of my best friends that I talk to regularly, a neighbor that waves hello on the street, or someone I have never met that prays for me and my family....Thank you! I have no idea how I would have made it through these difficult months without you. I feel your love and support each and every day and it is what helps me pull back the covers and get out of bed on those tough mornings. I am so grateful for all of you and the way you cheer me on, boost my spirits, and inspire me to keep going. I can only imagine what incredible blessings and memories this next year will bring. The great thing is that with Mike by my side, and all of you supporting me, I know that I can get through anything. If 2011 has taught me anything, it's that I am a lot tougher than I ever gave myself credit for. I know I will be able to overcome any obstacles in my path and move on to bigger and better things. I am confident 2012 will bring even more happiness and great memories than this past year did and I pray that it brings me a renewed sense of health so that I am able to tackle even more this year and start to give back to all of you that have helped carry me through this year. Mike and I would like to sincerely wish all of our friends & family (and all of you that follow that blog that we have never even met!) a happy New Year! We wish you nothing but health and happiness for 2012...thank you for all you have done to support us through 2011 - we are beyond grateful! xoxo, Meghan....and Mike too! :) Here's a few quick snapshots from some great times with our friends over the past week... Momma Jan, Court, Kate, Kel, Alice, Wrig and I...always a blast when I get together with some of my very best girls! Mike snuggling his sweet little Goddaughter during a visit after Christmas Some of my wonderful college roomies from 210 Campus Avenue :) So grateful we were able to meet up in Ohio after Christmas. We missed you Nikki, Kim, Sarah & Jules! Our last pic of 2011 - just before midnight ♥
To be honest, the holidays have been difficult for me this year. I don't like complaining and I genuinely feel grateful for each and every day - but that doesn't mean that certain times aren't rough. I am the type of girl that normally gets really into the holiday spirit. I love decorating the house, picking out the perfect gifts, and spending tons of time with family and friends to celebrate. But I have struggled this year - struggled to get motivated to do my shopping, struggled to get excited about putting up my outdoor Christmas lights, and struggled to muster up the energy for all the parties and social events of the holiday season. I had a wonderful few days last week when my friend Sarah was visiting. After Sarah left on Thursday, I fell into a bit of a funk. I think I was just exhausted from radiation, physical therapy, and running all around town showing Sarah a great time while she was here. I spent much of Friday and Saturday fighting back tears - and often times losing that battle - and just crying for no apparent reason. My poor husband would look over and check on me every 15 minutes or so to ask how I was doing - he could sense it and see it all over my face that I was just feeling down. I couldn't perk myself up, couldn't force a smile, and just felt like I wanted the holidays to be over - as much as I feel ashamed to say that because I know I should be grateful for this time with friends and family. It just felt like a bit of a blue Christmas this year. Christmas Eve we had Mom, Doug, Mike, Diane, Dan and Melissa over for dinner and we had a great time. It helped distract me from my funk for a little while. Christmas morning we headed to Mom & Doug's for breakfast and gift exchanging. As always, we had a wonderful morning together, along with Jeff. But, I felt exhausted already. My eyes were burning from the second I woke up and I just didn't have the usual excitement about the day like I normally do. For the first time in my entire life, I didn't spend the rest of the day with my family. I decided to head back home with Mike instead of going to my aunts, and then to Mike's aunts later that night. I put on my pj's, laid on the couch, watched Home Alone (my favorite Christmas movie ever - along with Love Actually) and didn't move for the rest of the day. Of course I felt guilty not being with my family, but it was the first time in my life I didn't have to run around to a bunch of places on Christmas day. Not only did I want and need to let my body rest, but I just felt like being alone - at least alone with Mike and the pup. I can't really explain all of my emotions well so it might be hard for others to understand. The bottom line is that sometimes all of this is a lot to handle and it can be really tough - really, really tough - and I guess the holidays this year has been one of those times. It's also hard to face coming to the end of a year that was filled with so many hopes and dreams. Every year I set goals and make resolutions for the upcoming year and Mike and I talk about all the exciting things that we hope might happen. I had such high hopes this year - dreams that didn't come true, and may never come true now that cancer has entered my life. And yes, I know that I have accomplished a lot. I know that people will say, "But look at all you have been through and how well you are doing". I know that I have so much to be grateful for and that I will set new goals and have new dreams. But, I also think it's only fair to let me mourn the loss of my old ones. I had such a blast with Sarah last week. I am so grateful that she took the time to come and visit. Love you friend! What gets me through each of those dark times, is my best friend. His love and support mean the world to me. During those difficult times, he knows exactly what to say, or not say - when to hug me, and when to give me my space. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I would be lost without him. Our fate was sealed with a kiss on a unforgettable night 13 years ago. It was New Years Eve of 1998 and I had a serious crush on a cute senior boy, one year older than me. He was the star of the basketball and baseball teams and although we had known each other since we were in elementary school, we had just recently become good friends. A friendship that quickly turned into stalling after our respective basketball and volleyball practices so that we could see each other, phone conversations that went on for hours into the late night, and re-routing how we walked to class so that we could "run" into each other throughout the day. I will never forget that New Years Eve. I remember exactly where we were, who we were with, and what I was wearing. I remember when Mike asked me to go outside to "talk" which led to that first magical kiss. It started as complete teenage puppy love - I was a few months shy of my 17th birthday and Mike was 18. We have been together ever since. You aren't supposed to marry the first boy you fall in love with, right? You are supposed to date a bunch of people to figure out exactly who is right for you and weed out all the jerks before settling down and getting married. But what happens when you meet the love of your life as a kid? All I know is that I thank God every day that I recognized how incredible Mike was back then and how special our relationship was....I held on tight and never let go. And the rest is history. Even before this recent roller coaster started, we had been through a lot together. We spent 4 years in a long distance relationship in college, supported each other through personal and family struggles, and endured the loss of Mike's mom together. By the time we were married, it felt as though we had been through more than many couples that had been together for twice as long as we had. I thought we were surely in the clear for awhile - that we had dealt with our fair share of heartache. I would have never guessed what was waiting ahead for us. But through it all, we have remained absolute best friends. There is no one I would rather be with on this planet than my husband. And although we have surely had more difficult times than many people our age - the amazing, wonderful, and hilarious times FAR outweigh the tough ones. Tomorrow we will celebrate 4 years of marriage, and 13 years together - nearly half of my life spent with the most incredible person I know. I am so blessed...but I am greedy and I want many, many more....100 more years would still not be enough. Happy Anniversary to a man that lives out his vows each and every day. I am so honored and proud to be your wife. ♥ xoxo, Meg Thank you for all the love and encouragement this week as I headed into radiation. The week has been so busy since beginning radiation and therapy for my chest and arms. Everything is going pretty well - no side effects to report yet. I will try to smuggle my camera into radiation sometime soon so I can give you a sneak peek. I can't thank you enough for the cards, texts, emails and messages of support as I headed into this next round of treatment. I would also like to thank everyone for the extra prayers and concern for my friend, Janet that I mentioned in last weeks post. It is with a heavy heart that I have to share that Janet lost her brave battle with colon cancer last Thursday. I cannot possibly explain how hard this is- even though we were only friends for a short time, we shared a special bond that only few people can understand. I am so heartbroken for her family and devastated that this awful disease has robbed the world of such a beautiful person. This has been one of the first times I have actually felt angry - angry that cancer has taken the lives of so many people I care about - angry that Janet never had the chance to marry her fiance' and grow old together - and angry that despite feeling like I have always tried to do the right things in life, this disease might just take it all away from me. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I have said it countless times throughout my life. I have always held on to the belief that God has a plan for us and throughout these past 8 1/2 months, I have desperately tried to stay focused on that. But, I would by lying if I denied that it is a huge struggle to not question that plan sometimes. To not ask "why is this happening?"...I don't ever ask that about myself and what is happening to me but I do question it for the other people in my life. Like, "why did Janet have to be taken from us so quickly", or "why does my husband have to watch his wife go through this after losing his mom to cancer". My dear friend Meredith often helps me work through these emotions and she reminds me that God is good all of the time - that when bad things happen to good people, it doesn't mean God is punishing them, and it doesn't mean He loves them any less. Every day I remind myself that God is with me - that He is looking out for me and those I love - that he won't abandon me or my family when times get really hard. I feel such comfort in knowing that but during tough times like this, after losing a friend, it is easy to feel discouraged and try to question His plan. Tonight I will head to the funeral home to say goodbye to Janet and pay my respects to her family. Selfishly, I am a little worried about how I will handle it. This is the fourth person I have lost due to cancer since my own diagnosis, and this one just hits the closest to home. I think of her grieving mom and I think of my mom, I will see her heartbroken fiance' and I will think of Mike, I will watch her best friends struggle with this loss and I will think of my best friends. I am so sad that cancer took Janet from us, but I am relieved that the great suffering she endured is now over. My mom always reminds me that for the person that has died, they have received the ultimate reward - a place in Heaven - and it is those of us that are left behind that struggle and grieve. Janet is in a better place and I am thankful for that. I will honor her memory by continuing to live each day to the fullest and remind myself that every day is truly a blessing. Please continue to keep her family in your thoughts and prayers during this extremely difficult time. I have spent a lot of time with many different friends this week and I just hope you all know how much you mean to me and how grateful I am to have you in my life. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends and I cannot thank you enough for always checking on me, taking the time to call or visit, and for the fun times we have when we are together. I am so thankful for each of you! xoxo, Meghan Grateful that Janet will be another special guardian angel looking out for us... When the fog rolls in, it starts slowly but the next thing you know, it surrounds you. It doesn't matter which direction you turn, how far or how fast you run -there it remains. It builds and builds and sets in to the point where you cannot even see what lies directly in front of you - the green of the grass, the orange in the fall leaves, the blue of the sky. Just the thick, dark fog weighing you down like a heavy cloak that you can't lift off your shoulders. When the fog rolls in, fear and worry accompany it. It penetrates your heart and soul and despite your best efforts, the fog engulfs your mind and spirit. It is so dense that you can be in a crowd of hundreds and yet feel completely isolated and alone. It can make you feel like it's the beginning of the end. That all the happiness and joy you have known is now lost to you forever. The fog can overtake you and mask all of your hope and all of your dreams. You may be able to talk and even smile in the midst of the fog - but it's tainted. It's poisoned by the doubt and darkness that the fog carries with it. And then one day, there is a ray of sunshine that is so bright, it's able to penetrate through the fog. It illuminates your dark world and slowly but surely it burns the fog away. The heaviness lifts from your shoulders, nature becomes lush and colorful, and you can once again hear and feel the love and laughter that surrounds you. It is in these moments that I am most grateful. Grateful that all that is good and wonderful in my life is once again shining bright before me. Grateful that the burden of the fog is no longer consuming me. Grateful to be reminded that every day is a blessing - no matter what that day may bring - good or bad. But behind the smile, the gratitude, the joy -lies remnants of the fog. It is much less dense, and not even noticeable to the naked eye as the sun shines straight through it. But it does linger, always lurking in the background - no longer invading the mind and soul - but it is there and in a moment of weakness, it can quickly rise again, taking over everything it touches. It is a daily struggle to keep the fog at bay, and let the bright sunlight shine through...but it is worth it - every bit of struggle is worth it. ......................................................................................... I am grateful that my fog has lifted over the past week. Boy, is this journey a tough one. It is not the recovery from surgery that is the most difficult, or the chemo, or the hair loss, or even the prospect of not being able to have children. It is simply the fear of dying. I would go through all of this again - the testing, the port, the chemo, the hormonal drugs, the surgery, the hair loss - all of it...I would go through it year after year, after year if it meant I would be able to live a long, happy life with Mike. But there are no such promises and as positive and optimistic as I may be, fear and doubt always live in the back of my mind. When I become sad it easily consumes me and thankfully I have amazing people around me that help me through those times. But also know that when I am happy, when you see me smile and laugh - the fear and doubt still live there. I wanted to share this with you because I have heard and seen so much suffering lately. Not just my own - but that of many others. I have been hearing so many heartbreaking stories of children battling cancer, young mothers losing their cancer battles, and long time metastatic breast cancer survivors entering hospice. Please be there for those that you know who are fighting disease and illness - even if they seem to be doing well - because you never know who is silently struggling and your caring words may be that ray of sunshine that is able to break through their fog. Thankfully, I was able to get my last drain out last Wednesday and I have been feeling so much better since then. I am so thankful for the little things, like being able to take a shower without any help or the ability to roll over in bed without increased discomfort. I have started exercising again for the first time since March and I am hopeful I will regain my energy, strength and arm range of motion back soon. It is a slow process after being on near bed rest for about a month, and my body continues to send me very clear signals when I do too much. But, I am so happy to be able to get out of the house and spend more time with family and friends. The rest of this week is a busy one, filled with doctor's appointments, plans with friends, and even a speaking engagement at Mike's school to help educate the students on self exams, trusting your instincts, and being your own best advocate. Thank you so much for your continued love and support. I am so blessed to have you all in my life to help me through this. xoxo, Meghan ps. I didn't want to freak anyone out and share my post-surgical pics on the blog. But, if you would like to educate yourself on what we have to go through physically while enduring this disease, please check out The Scar Project. It is a very raw and real series of portraits of young women survivors by acclaimed photographer, David Jay. It is extremely eye-opening and a beautiful depiction of strength, courage and hope. It felt so good to finally pick my camera back up and take some pictures. What better subject than our sweet Goddaughter, Alice. How adorable is she?! There always seems to be so much on my mind when I sit down to prepare my next update. I can assure you that there is never a shortage of topics or things I want to share. Sometimes the hard part is narrowing down all the things that are running through my mind to figure out exactly what I want to focus my energy on. I guess that is what I do everyday - I choose what to focus my energy on that day and try to tune out the rest. So when people say, "you are so positive" or "you have such a great attitude", I really do appreciate it but it's simply about making the conscious choice to do your best to block out the negative, focus on the positive, and enjoy each moment. But, I also feel that it's important to say that it's not all positive, happy thoughts, 100% of the time. There is a part of me that is sad - every day. There is a part of me that is grieving - every day. There is a part of me that is scared - every day. And there is a part of me that feels lost - each and every single day. But, I go to bed each night watching Mike as he falls asleep, quietly reaching out to hold his hand without waking him, and thanking God for another wonderful day with my husband...because that is all I ever truly want. My hair began to slowly grow back about a month or so ago (while still on Taxol) and within the last couple of weeks it has really started to get longer and thicker. So, last week when we went to the cider mill, I decided to be brave and venture out without my scarf. It might not sound like a very big deal to most, but until you are forced to lose your hair, you have no idea what it feels like to go through these types of transitions. Losing my hair wasn't as devastating as it is to many people, but I became very used to my wig and scarves and aside from when I was inside my house, I had something on my head 24/7. I remember stepping out onto my porch once to get the mail and realized that I didn't have a scarf on and all of a sudden I stood paralyzed, looking around to see if any neighbors saw me. I felt like I was just caught naked by the entire community! So now that my hair is growing back, I have found that it was hard to part with the security blanket that my scarves and wig had become. It feels like another crossroads - the start of a new path. It's a little hard for me to put into words but with my hair growing back it sometimes feels like people will think that means I am all better, or the cancer is gone because chemo is over, and that I can just go ahead and return to my "normal" life. And unfortunately, none of those things are true. Yes, I will now have hair and I won't be as readily identified as a cancer patient without my scarves -but it doesn't mean I am okay. I am reminded of this cancer inside me each and every day when my back aches and throbs, when I am fatigued after lunch with a friend, and when I think of the long road ahead. I am a little nervous that because people say I look good and I will now look even less like a patient, that I will be expected to just put the pieces back together and move on - but please realize this is far from over and I am still fighting. I felt very self-conscious at the cider mill last Sunday, and not to mention cold from the breeze on my head that I hadn't felt in a long time! :) Although my wonderful husband reassured me a million times that I looked beautiful, and that he loved my new "edgy" look, I didn't feel like myself anymore without my scarves. But, I realized that I needed to step outside of my comfort zone once again and take this step forward. I haven't put a scarf back on since. Each day last week I ventured out to different places, all while sporting my new pixie cut. I have become a little more confident and feel a little bit more myself each day - although I am still caught off guard when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or store window. I did wear my wig to our friend Matt's wedding last Saturday because I just didn't feel right without it once I was all dressed up - but that might be the last time I wear it for long while...maybe ever! So what do ya think?!..... And if you are wondering...yes, it is starting to curl in the back, and yes, it is starting to look more and more red each day. I have heard all sorts of stories of women having their hair come back in all kinds of new ways after chemo but something tells me that this little ginger is going to get her red curls back...and I never thought I would say it, but I really hope I do. Through this experience, I have come to really appreciate what I had and the uniqueness that was my hair - getting that back will help me feel a little bit more like myself again...and I miss that. Things are still super busy around here. I continue to struggle to find a balance between social activities with friends, household responsibilities, photography, and doctors appointments. In my mind, I continue to think that I can go, go, go like I used to-but increased back pain has been a reminder lately that I am doing too much and need to rest more. Before surgery, I have four more doctors appointments, four photography sessions, a fundraiser luncheon for The Pink Fund, a family reunion, starting a young adult cancer survivor support group at Karmanos, a few get togethers with friends, the charity fashion show benefiting the YSC, and the amazing benefit concert on Sunday that Patty is planning for us! Just to name a few! ;) Don't worry Mom, I am going to make sure to get plenty of rest in there too. Tomorrow is the fashion show benefiting the Young Survival Coalition - it should be a fun time and if you would like to attend, you can still buy tickets at the door. This Sunday is the wonderful benefit concert that Patty has been tirelessly planning for us. It is going to be such a fun time with fabulous music, and the silent auction items are incredible! I can't believe how generous everyone is! These are just a few of the great items available on Sunday....2 acoustic guitars, Red Wings tickets, two autographed hockey sticks from the Red Wings, an incredible gift bag from Martha Stewart Living including an autographed book and tickets to a live taping in NYC (a package valued at over $400!), an autographed football from Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford, local restaurant gift cards and much more! Patty and Eric from Berkley Music - we are so thankful and truly excited for Sunday! Hope to see you Sunday if you are in our neck of the woods. Thanks again for the continued prayers, love and support for not only myself but for my family too! We truly appreciate each and every one of you!
xoxo, Meghan ps. Mike would like me to mention that he took the colored pic of me posted above. He's finally learning how to work the camera - maybe that means I'll finally get to be in more pics now! :) I am not even sure where to begin...this past weekend was one of the most incredible, emotional and inspirational experiences of my life. I have spent the last couple of days pondering how to write about the Susan G. Komen 3 Day For The Cure, and I have finally realized that there is just no possible way to put into words everything that this weekend entailed and how much it impacted me. As much as I may try, I could never accurately describe the emotions I felt during this weekend, and during the Opening Ceremony in particular- surrounded by my 9 friends of Team Meghan Malley Rally, Mom & Doug, Mike and Kyle - watching those left behind carry flags for their wives, mothers, daughters and friends that they lost - witnessing the incredibly strong & fierce survivors raise their joined hands in an act of victory and celebration - and starting the 60 mile journey together after a tearful team huddle. To be honest, the Opening Ceremony was more difficult and more emotional than I expected it to be - definitely the hardest part of the weekend to get through. It was extremely tough for me to stand in the midst of hundreds of women and men walking in memory of a loved one and wondering if one day my friends would be walking in my memory, rather than in my honor as a survivor. Although the start of this amazing weekend was quite overwhelming, it was also filled with encouragement, optimism and hope. 9 friends, 3 days, 60 miles, 1 goal...to find a cure for breast cancer! A group of incredible survivors surrounding the memorial flag honoring all of those that have lost their fight The most adorable member of Team Meghan Malley Rally - hands down! :) The girls were flexing those muscles to show off their new pink ribbon "tatoos" during Friday's lunch break The girls kicked Day 1's booty! After starting the walk together, Mike, Andy, Andrew and I then met the team for lunch and cheered them on as they started the second half of the day. They completed the day in great spirits, full of energy and inspiration. Brin stayed with us at night to take care of Andrew instead of camping, so it was wonderful to hear her stories from the first day - all of the fabulous people they met, the community of cheerleaders they encountered, and the walkers that asked to hear the story of who she was walking for. On Saturday, we headed out to Plymouth to host a cheering station at the Plymouth Cultural Center. We cheered on the amazing 3 Day walkers from 10:30 to 2:30pm and were joined by so many of our family and friends! It was so incredible to have all of you join us on Saturday, and I can't tell you enough how much that meant to me - to not only have you support me, but support all of the women and men that are fighting for a cure! Team Meghan Malley Rally looking as strong as ever during Saturday's lunch break! Many members of my old RIM gang...so thankful to have worked with such amazing people and that I am able to call all of them my friends My beautiful & incredibly supportive sorority sisters - love you girls! My biggest cheerleader! ♥ Taking part in that cheering station was truly an unforgettable experience. You would never believe how many people saw our t-shirts and said, "Oh I know Meghan, her team told me all about her!", or "How is Meghan doing?", "I am praying for Meghan". When people saw that I was standing right there, they proceeded to give me huge hugs, ask how I was doing, tell me to keep fighting, and let me know I am forever in their prayers. It was amazing to hear complete strangers tell me they read my blog or that they have heard about me from someone else they know. They knew all about me, my story, my diagnosis, my treatment schedule...it was amazing. I felt like I had a million people wrapping their arms around me in love and prayer and it was a feeling I will hold onto for the rest of my life. It was a truly special day! My fierce walker warriors were still going strong after 40 miles but they were definitely starting to have some aches, pains, and a few blisters pop up by the end of Saturday's walk. But they didn't complain. They continued to share with me the love and support offered by other participants of the 3 Day, the other survivors they met, and the overwhelming emotions they all felt throughout the day along their journey. The start of the last leg of their journey was accompanied by some light rain but that never even dampened their spirits. I met them for lunch on Sunday with the hopes to boost their spirits and give them some inspiration for the final few miles. I expected to find my friends exhausted and possibly in pain, definitely in need of a pep talk. They didn't even come close to needing it - they were filled with excitement, pride, and joy and ready to tackle those last few miles! I was totally amazed and couldn't wait to meet them at the finish line. We arrived at the Ford Motor Company World Headquarters on Sunday afternoon to celebrate the completion of this amazing 3 day, 60 mile journey. Team Meghan Malley Rally were total rockstars and finished this incredible feat in one piece, only a few blisters here and there, and wearing smiles from ear to ear! I couldn't have been more proud to have my name displayed across their shirts. I was also so touched to see more family and friends come down to the Closing Ceremony to be there with us. Everything always seems so much better when you are surrounded by so many family and friends and I can't say thank you enough for that! The Closing Ceremony was also an emotional one but I was very happy to also feel like it was celebratory and inspirational. I was so proud of my girls for taking part in this and Mike and I were totally inspired to participate in the 3 Day in one way or another from here on out! After the beautiful Closing Ceremony, we all headed over to Mom & Doug's house where we were joined by many, many more family and friends! It was so wonderful to walk out the back door and see the deck and yard filled with all of our loved ones. It was a perfect way to end this amazing weekend! A group of great friends and some of my favorite ladies! My sweet little buddy, Andrew. I had the best week snuggling this adorable guy...and how great is his bib that his momma, Brinley made! I love it! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you that in one way or another contributed to this incredible cause and unforgettable weekend! Thank you for your donations, your cheerleading, your hugs, your well wishes, your time.....the list goes on and on. I hope that I have thanked each of you personally when I have seen you, but if I haven't, please know how grateful I am for your support and the support you have shown Mike, Mom, Doug, Jeff and the rest of my family.
I can never thank the amazing Meghan Malley Rally 3 Day team enough for everything they did for me this summer...Brinley, Kara, Becca, Lindsay, Nancy, Stacy, Melanie, Amanda and Nikki. Your incredible efforts raised over $30,000 to find a cure for breast cancer!!! Through all the fundraising events and the actual 3 Day weekend, you guys have made me feel so loved and appreciated all at the same time making me smile, laugh and forget about this terrible disease for awhile. For that, I am grateful! You were total warriors during this event and I can't wait to walk 60 miles with you in the future! An extra special thank you to those wonderful family and friends that traveled this past weekend to be here to support us. Brinley, Andy and Andrew came all the way from Jensen Beach, Florida - Melanie and Ben from Cleveland - Amanda, Nick, Liz, Nancy, Chelsea, Beth, Ben, Joe and Lauren from Chicago - Aunt Clare, Beth and Brigetta from North Carolina - Jenny from Grand Rapids. I hope I am not forgetting anyone. The fact that you guys took time out of your busy lives to physically be here to give us hugs and show your support, seriously meant so much to Mike and I! We are so incredibly blessed to have all of you as our family and friends. Another special thank you to my mom's incredible friends, Barb and Roni for working their tails off in the kitchen all night on Sunday so that my mom could enjoy herself at the party and not stress about all the behind the scenes stuff. Your support of my mom means more to me than you will ever know - thank you so very much! Lastly, thank you to my AMAZING momma, Jan and my stepdad, Doug for all of their love, support and hard work this past weekend. For spending all weekend supporting the 3 Day team and other walkers, and for opening up their home to host TONS of our friends and family on Sunday. You guys are the best and we would be lost without you. The Susan G. Komen 3 Day For The Cure slogan couldn't touch any closer to home for me..."Everyone deserves a lifetime". I believe I not only deserve a lifetime but I have promised myself and Mike that I will go to the ends of the Earth to make sure I achieve that. I am so thankful for this incredible event which has provided me an extra dose of inspiration, motivation, and encouragement. Thank you so much to all of you for giving me hope! As my beautiful Godmother, Aunt Carol shared with me, "If you have faith, you have hope and if you have hope, you have everything!" ♥ Well, there are so many other things that have happened over the past week or so that I want to share...updates from my oncologist, meeting with my plastic surgeon, upcoming tests, meeting other young women with breast cancer, the Johnson's week long visit, and so much more! Check back frequently over the next couple of weeks because we have a lot going on that I want to keep everyone up to date about. I am off to get some more rest - haven't quite caught up from all the busy festivities over the past week! Have a great weekend everyone. xoxo, Meg ps. SAVE THE DATE: My fabulous friend, Patty has been planning an incredible benefit concert for us which will take place on SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 at The Berkley Front in downtown Berkley from 4-10pm. The event will showcase some amazing local bands, there will be a silent auction and all sorts of other great things. Many more details to come but mark your calendars now! Please contact Patty Labella at 248-752-3104 or [email protected] if you have any items or services to donate for the silent auction or would like to help out in any other way. Check back to the blog soon for more updates! |
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