Let the "scanxiety" begin....ugh, it's that dreaded time of year when I get all my scans redone. I try very hard to remain calm, optimistic and hopeful - but let me tell you, it's pretty tough. I have come to realize that this scanxiety is something that will never go away. It doesn't matter how many times I have a good scan - the worry, doubt and fear all come creeping back in when it's time to be scanned again. Although I like to focus on how wonderful it will feel to get news that I am still in remission, that I can stay on my current treatment regimen, and that everything I have been through is paying off - I can't help but be terrified of the alternative. That the cancer is active again, that it's spread, that my medicines are no longer effective, that it's infiltrated my liver or brain. My wonderful friend Meredith has taught me to try to think of the worst possible scenario and how I would handle that, and what would our plan be. That way, it takes away some of the fear of the unknown and you can try to help prepare yourself in some way should that be the news you receive. I have been spending some time thinking about this lately and trying to think about how my life could once again change in an instant when Dr. F delivers my scan results. Would I have to start chemo again? Would I need more radiation? Do I need to start new medications? What would the side effects of those be? Do I need to look into clinical trials? Last night as Mike and I laid in bed, I asked him that very question -"What would we do if the results show it has spread?" His response is just another example of why I am so blessed to have him love me. Without hesitation, he simply stated, "We would do anything we had to do to get you better." Over the course of these past 11 months, I have been slowly adjusting to living a life with cancer. I have come to understand that I will deal with this disease and its effects in one way or another for the rest of my life. Fine - no problem - I can do that. I just want to remain stable. I pray that the disease is still stable, and that I can continue living my life as I am right now. Aside from a few minor things, I have very little side effects with my current treatment plan. I feel good about 90% of the time. I am enjoying being back at the gym and back to yoga classes. I look forward to returning to my job after my next surgery. I am able to travel and spend time with family and friends without worrying too much about how my body will hold up. So, I can't help but worry about these upcoming results changing all of this for me. I used to say, "okay, I have cancer but hopefully I won't lose my hair", and then it went to "okay, I have to lose my hair but maybe I won't have to lose my breasts." Then it once again changed to, "well, I have to lose my breasts but please just let me still be able to have children." Sadly that statement was forced to transform once again into, "well, I can't have children but please just let me be stable and lead a long life with Mike." And of course "stability" is what I truly want - if I can't be cured (although I do still believe in miracles!), then I pray for stability - for a long, long time. But it all truly boils down to one thing - I can (and have) given up so, so much - and I would gladly do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would allow me to lead a long and happy life with the people I love. But you see, no one can make such promises. None of us know what our future holds and how much time we have. The difference is that I never used to worry about dying before - I took it for granted that not everyone is afforded a long and healthy life like I assumed I would have. So, I have to make the conscious decision to try to release the worry and fear and give it up to God because I am not the one in control. All I can do is continue to live each day to the fullest and be grateful for each day. With that said, I would sincerely appreciate as many prayers, healing thoughts, and uplifting words as you can possibly share right now. These times are very tough- not only myself, but for Mike, Mom, Doug and Jeff as we all anxiously await the results. Please pray that this disease is still in remission, that my spine is healing, that my organs are free and clear of disease, and that our anxiety and worry doesn't consume us while we wait for the results. My tests are scheduled for this Tuesday and Wednesday and we won't receive the results until the following Thursday, which is March 1st. You have no idea how much your prayers, thoughts, and comments help lift us up and keep our spirits high during these times! Thankfully, Mike and I will have a great distraction from my scan results. We leave for New Orleans on Thursday morning! We are actually going to attend a breast cancer conference but we will have plenty of extra time to just enjoy the city on our own. We are such great travel partners and always have the best time when we are exploring somewhere new with each other. Exactly one year ago was the last trip we took by ourselves when we visited Seattle just a few weeks before I was diagnosed. Check out some images from our trip here. We had the best time and I am sure New Orleans will be no different! Friday evening through Sunday morning we will be attending the Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer. Young women under the age of forty come from all over the world to attend this conference. There are excellent guests speakers, many of which are leading researchers in the field of breast cancer. There are numerous break out sessions dealing with everything from integrative medicine, an update on the latest metastatic research, and even sessions solely for male caregivers. We are both looking forward to learning a lot and I also hope to meet other young women with metastatic disease such as myself. Of course, we will find plenty of time for some beignets at Cafe du Monde, grabbing a great cajun meal, and checking out the sites of the French Quarter. We are really looking forward to it. Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and prayers for my upcoming tests - I will be sure to update the blog next week once I get the results!
xoxo, Meghan
34 Comments
Aunt Carol
2/20/2012 03:47:56 am
I love you Meghan!!!
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Laura
2/20/2012 04:48:04 am
I always have wished that if one really bad thing happened to someone then they would be free from all other troubles. Or I've thought, okay I gave up this one part of my life because of things I could not control - all of the other parts of my life should go well. Of course, that is not how life works. And learning that is not easy or fast. It takes a lot of soul searching and support. I'll be thinking of you as you get your scans done - and hoping for the very best. No matter what the outcome I know you will be okay.
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Amanda
2/20/2012 05:54:23 am
Hi Megs! We will keep the healing prayers a comin! And we just KNOW that this scan will have good things to say. You're kickin' the cancer booty for sure. Have a wonderful trip! Love and hugs.
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Melissa Richgels Dinslage
2/20/2012 07:01:03 am
Remission. Got it. Consider my prayers for you laser-focused. Enjoy New Orleans! It is a place I would love to go back to and experience as an adult (I went our senior year of college, but that just resulted in waaay too many un-sharable pictures and blurry memories).
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Chelsea
2/20/2012 07:47:24 am
Sending love, strength and prayers to you and Mike tomorrow and Wednesday. Hope NOLA is not only inspiring as you spend time with other women at the conference, but also a wonderful time full of fun and new adventures for you and Mike. Love you lots. XOXO~Chelki
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Aunt Erin
2/20/2012 08:10:52 am
Sweet Megs,
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Aubri
2/20/2012 08:37:00 am
thinking of you and sending you lots of super positive, healthy, best-news-ever-coming-your-way energy and prayers, meghan!
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Sally
2/20/2012 10:27:34 am
Dear sweet Meghan,
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Jan and Alexis Stonecipher
2/20/2012 10:54:07 am
Dear Megan,
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Dearest Meggie-Poo...I am thinking about you, Mike, Mamma Jan, Doug and Jeff this week, as you get your scans and await the results. I have been praying for good results for many weeks now and will continue friend.
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Sara
2/21/2012 02:35:28 am
Meg, we are praying for you today, tomorrow and every day! God is with you in all that you do, and so are we. Have a wonderful trip to New Orleans! You are going to shine at the conference! XOXO
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Leslie Ballard
2/21/2012 04:39:16 am
Dear Megan,
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Nancy Doman
2/21/2012 07:42:29 am
Meghan, you, Mike and your family will be my focus for this season of Lent. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and pray for the absolute best results for you. Did you come up with that new term, Scanxiety? That pretty much sums it up perfectly. Have a wonderful trip with Mike - a perfect distraction for you as you await your scan results.
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Elizabeth
2/21/2012 11:21:35 am
Meg,
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Kathy Fraser
2/21/2012 11:33:24 am
I have mixed feelings about the testing process that I have endured over the past 4+ years and just had my 4th colonoscopy a month ago -- I hate the prepping, poking and the unknown bedside manner that you get depending on the day, but no matter how much it bothers me, when it is done, I am so relieved that I will know something and not be wondering anymore -- like you said, be ready for action- whatever the next step will be! Hoping for continued remission after your tough journey.
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niche
2/21/2012 11:34:47 pm
Praying praying praying, all the time! 11 months ago you had no idea just how strong you really were, but you've made it thru so gracefully &I know you can handle anything & I pray the waiting pays off with some relieving news! No matter what, God will be with you & so will all of us! Love you tons!
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Patty L
2/22/2012 07:47:48 am
This entry has taken my breath away...I too believe in miracles and you deserve a big one! We will pray a direct prayer for all those items you asked us to include in our prayers. We are all blessed to have you in our lives. You continue to remind us all to count our blessings and live for today. Hold on tight to that adorable & loving hubby of yours. I am happy you have a great trip planned to help distract you a bit. I am praying right now and always! Love to both you and Mike! Love the photos!! Patty & fam xoxoxo
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Mama Gina V.
2/22/2012 08:40:13 am
Praying for you always Meghan~ May your results be uplifting signs of all the hard work you are doing. Love always to you and Mike as you face yet another step in this journey you are fighting. Remember we are all on your shoulder~ praying and wishing you the best. Loving thoughts...
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Ann Whisler
2/22/2012 12:56:50 pm
Meghan- I've been thinking of you a lot lately and keeping you and your family in my prayers. With as many people as you have praying for you I know you will get great results! Enjoy your trip and keep thinking great thoughts
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Carolyn & Mark
2/22/2012 01:20:10 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Ree
2/23/2012 01:57:30 pm
My sweet megga .. as I catch up on your posts, ..My thoughts take me back to when u were 3 yrs old ..in your car seat.. (As your mama said to me) .telling your brother how things work in this world and not always the way we plan.. Well I may have changed it a little..but your mama will member..moral of story is ..you my sweet lady have taken every means to embrace life even with the cross you have to carry. I am so proud of you and the woman you have grown to be. Your faith and commitment of love and life makes my heart swell..love u soo ..happy mike is recovering and all went so great for him. Love your pics..just heart warming..makes me smile xoxox
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Kathy Richgels (Melissa's Mom)
2/23/2012 02:34:16 pm
Meghan, you are at the top of my prayer list. Bombarding heaven for your scan to be perfect and continued grace if by chance you have to go to Plan B.
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Mary Jane Hsu
2/27/2012 08:34:16 am
Dearest Meghan,
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Kathy Kennedy
2/27/2012 08:48:44 am
Meg,
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2/28/2012 05:08:38 am
Meghan, it was so great to meet you at the conference in New Orleans. I just finished poking around your blog and am just touched by our similar our feelings and worries are. I hope I can be a survivor friend - being 4 years out, I can honestly say I have gotten back to my life with many joyful days. You will too! I'd love to work together on Hope Scarves stuff. We had such an amazing response at the conference. I am up to my eyeballs following up with people. But, I specifically wanted to connect with you because I was touched by your blog and pictures. Let's keep in touch!
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Joe
2/28/2012 10:41:32 am
Last time I was in New Orleans a cab driver picked me up, drove me around the block, and dropped me back at the airport. Managed to get a 30 dollar fare out of me too. Still not sure how it happened but I'm sure your trip was far more successful. Just like I'm sure the results of these tests will be a success. We'll be thinking of your and Mike as always. Be strong, and avoid public transportation.
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Deb & Bob
2/28/2012 02:43:28 pm
Positive thoughts and prayers are going your way. Looking forward to good/clean results from your scans. Hope you had fun in New Orleans - what a great place to get away and hope the conference gave you lots of hope!.
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Marie Holmes
2/28/2012 10:07:56 pm
Meghan, My thoughts and prayers are all being sent your way this week as you wait for your scan results. I picture a healing, loving cloud of prayer and positive thoughts floating over your house. I hope you can feel the warmth surrounding you. Marie
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Kari Kuper
2/29/2012 01:44:57 am
Praying for peace and calmness as you await your results….and for clean scans!
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Nancy Doman
2/29/2012 03:02:41 am
Sending extra thoughts and powerful prayers your way as you anticipate and get your results. Love and peace to you and Mike. Nancy
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Barb A
2/29/2012 04:31:43 am
As always your beautiful words are so thoughtful and inspiring. I continue to pray for you often. Have a wonderful trip to New Orleans. Love, Barb
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Mary F
2/29/2012 01:22:24 pm
Dear Meghan and Mike,
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Laurie Burrows
2/29/2012 03:06:42 pm
I have been following your blog since the beginning. You are a very brave woman. I keep you in my prayers. I don't know you. I live in Huntington Beach, California. I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in 1999 when I was 42. I had a bilateral mastectomies and was considered cured. I still have blood tests once a year and worry about the results. I don't think anyone that has gone thru cancer doesn't get that scan anxiety. I pray your scans come back with good news for you and your family. I was also diagnosed with thyroid cancer just 4 years after my BC. And I have to do follow up for that.
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ggmm
3/28/2012 04:51:57 pm
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