I had started to write a new post a few days ago and I guess I should have made time to finish it then. Because now I am in an entirely different place. I am angry. I am sad. I am devastated and heartbroken that this awful disease has taken the life of another one of my family members. I AM SO SICK OF CANCER! I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!
My sweet, kind and caring, Uncle Kevin died today after a long battle with cancer. Three different types of cancer, to be exact. He was truly an amazing guy. As soon as he found out I was diagnosed he called me to let me know I could do this - I could get through it just like he had. He would call every few weeks and just leave voicemails saying, "don't even worry about calling me back - I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I love you and Mike." He was amazing at acknowledging that although he was a cancer survivor himself, he didn't know exactly what I was going through. He wouldn't pretend that our situations were the same or say, "I know how you are feeling" like so many people do. He would just quietly listen and be there to offer support and encouragement. Because he lived on the other side of the state, and our family dynamics were often not great, I didn't get to see him a lot. But when it came down to it, I know he loved me. I know he cared about me and he was proud of me. And I know that he was worried about me, and that he was devastated that this God - awful disease had now found it's way into my body too...a curse which has been put upon our family for generations.
I don't know what to do. I pulled into my driveway this afternoon and just sat there with the car turned off for about 10 minutes. I couldn't even move. I didn't know what to do, where to go, what to think. I still don't. I just want to close my eyes, go to sleep and wake up knowing this was all a terrible nightmare. I know my poor cousins and my aunt are just reeling right now, and my heart breaks for them. I am so tired of losing people and I can't help but be once again faced with my own mortality each and every time this happens. And as I try to type through tears of sadness, I can't help but think of how my story will end.
Cancer has stolen my mother in law from us. It has stolen my grandmother and between Mike and I both, it has taken 7 of our aunts and uncles.
I am tired of going to funerals. I have been to 7 funerals just since my diagnosis alone. I am tired of losing friends that I have met along my journey. I am tired of having friends lose their mother in law's, or their aunts, or their grandparents to cancer. I am tired of hearing about babies and little children being diagnosed. I am tired of my friends getting bad scans and learning that their disease has progressed, or that their treatment is no longer working for them. I AM SO SICK OF CANCER!!!!!
I love you Uncle Kevin - may you finally rest in peace and be reunited with Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Pat, Aunt Maureen, Uncle Shawn, Uncle Joseph, and Aunt Helen. I am so grateful we were able to see each other at Shannon's wedding in July, and I was able to tell you how much I loved you - knowing it would likely be the last time I saw you until we meet again in Heaven. I will forever remember your kind and gentle spirit, infectious laugh and warm smile.
"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rain fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand."
My blog to keep you all