Let me just preface this post by letting you know that I am feeling pretty drained right now. I don't know about you all, but I fully admit one of my biggest short comings is that I become a hot mess when I reach this point of exhaustion. I am an awful mix of overly emotional, often times crabby, usually extra sensitive, with a splash of pessimism and negativity....sounds like quite the picnic to be around, huh?! So, I apologize in advance if that lovely cocktail of emotions seeps into my writing a bit too much tonight. Everything went well with my surgery which was just about 4 weeks ago. It lasted a couple of hours and I was able to go home that same day. I spent that weekend resting, catching up on some good tv and becoming obsessed with my adult coloring books. :) I returned to work that following Tuesday for a half day and then went back to my regular schedule for the rest of the week. It was probably a little too soon but luckily I have a lot of great help at work so I was able to take it a little easy. Once I hit the two week mark post surgery, I felt pretty much back to normal, aside from a little soreness at my incision sites, which I still have. I also restarted Ibrance the Sunday after surgery, which was January 15th. That made recovery from surgery a little harder to deal with the fatigue and a few other side effects from the Ibrance. I had blood work done two weeks later and although my counts did drop, they were safe enough for me to stay on the medication. Well, the last two weeks have felt especially difficult. I feel like this medication has really been kicking my butt. I am exhasuted in a way that I haven't experienced in years...probablay since back to my intravenous chemo days. Once I reach the second half of my work day, I can feel myself start to hit a wall. By the time I get home around 6pm, I find myself going straight to bed or to the couch. I can no longer commit to any plans during the week and find myself feeling overwhelmed at the thought of more than one committment on the weekends. Most of you know this is the farthest thing from normal for me. I am usually running around doing a million things and enjoying every second of it! To say that this new lifestyle has been difficult for me, is an understatement. I beat myself up if I don't feel up for going to the gym before work, or cooking a healthy dinner when I get home at night. I get down on myself for not having the energy to do more on the weekends lately and feel guilty if I say "no" to certain invitations or have to cancel plans. It is frustrating and discouraging. A constant reminder of my disease. I hate it. Today I went in for my appointment with Dr. F which included more bloodwork and my shots of Faslodex. Check out these two beauties that have to go into the tush! I had already decided I was going to ask to lower my dose of the Ibrance. Dr. F had mentioned to me at our last visit that most patients end up needing a dose reduction because of the way this drug just wipes out bloodcounts and causes some harsh side effeects. I was reassured when he said that the drug is still just as effective at the lower doses so it wouldn't be an issue to drop to a lower dose.
When he arrived in my exam room and asked how I was feeling, I was honest with him that I have been feeling super run down and that my quality of life has not been so stellar lately. He shared my bloodwork results and told me that things are looking quite low. My white blood cells and absolute neutrophil count (ANC) have dropped pretty drastically and are no longer in a safe range for me to continue on this treatment. Other aspects of my bloodwork were low too but these are especially crucial because they are the cells that you need to fight infection and illness. Dr. F agreed with lowering my dosage and said that at this point it is getting dangerous to continue with my counts this low due to my risk of other complications. He has directed me to remain off of the drug for another week in the hopes of my counts coming up a little before I start the reduced dosage. I will have bloodwork done again next Thursday before I am given the "thumbs up" to start treatment again. None of this was surprising to me, and truthfully, I was almost relieved to see how much my counts had dropped so that I knew my exhaustion and fatigue were justified. Sometimes I am hard on myself and wonder if I am just being lazy and wonder why I can't just suck it up and stop being so tired. I guess it is good to see the numbers to remind myself that it is not something I can control - that significantly reduced blood counts truly wreak havoc on the body and the way it is able to function. The real kicker today came when Dr. F shared that breast cancer cells were found in my ovaries once they were removed during surgery. I actually completely forgot that they would be sent off to a pathologist and that I would be receiving a report based on those findings. Dr. F said that he wasn't surprised nor was he concerned. He said that he occasionally sees this where although the ovaries were shut down with medicaitons and injections, cancer cells were still found there. The good news is that they are now gone and that this doesn't really change my treatment plan at all. The other side of the coin is two-fold for me. First, it is a reminder that this sneaky and awful disease is likely lingering all throughout my body. Dr. F pointed this out to me in the way that only he can - where it doesn't sound harsh but still very real with a slight sting to it.... "Meghan, we have always known that you very likely have metastatic cells in many areas in your body. They are just too small to be detected on scans." Ugh. Punch to the gut. The second part of this news that has rocked me a bit is now dealing with the "should have, could have, would have" nonsense. Should I have had my ovaries taken out years ago? Could that have helped me remain stable longer? Would that have prevented my spine fractured caused from the cancer....which is feed from the estrongen...which is created in the ovaries. See where my mind is going here? Dr. F had always assured me that the medication management to shut my ovaries down is just as effective as having them removed, and since I was dealing with so many other surgeries and issues, he thought it was best to put that on the back burner. I am in no way upset with him but today I got the impression he is somewhat leery that the medication that shuts the ovaries down is just as effective as having the surgery to remove them. And that is the tough part. I have always taken an aggressive approach to combating this disease and tried to do whatever I could to increase my chances for survival and I have never questioned any of my decisions. I have always felt so confident in the path I have taken and the direction I have gone with my medical team. And now for the first time, I am second guessing myself. I wish I would have had these bastards out earlier. I wish I would have removed the estrogen creating organs years ago. I hate that so much of this is such a crap shoot. ....Try this drug and we will hope it works. ....Sure it might cause you to lose your hair, never be able to have children, feel like crap, cause neuropathy, make your bones ache...but it might help stop the cancer. And yeah, it might not. ....Don't worry - if it doesn't work, there is another incredibly toxic drug that we can try to see if that works. But it might not. ....We can remove your breasts and your ovaries, but it might do anything to prevent the disease from killing you. ....Let's try radiation to your bones and make them fragile and brittle and hope that helps. But it might not. ....You might have a crappy quality of life for awhile but we will scan you in 6 months and see if this drug is working. And if your scans aren't good, sorry - you just lived like that for no reason at all. Gosh, it really does suck. I really pray that one day there are better solutions than this. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful that there are so many options and so many treatments and medications to try. But each come with a huge risk. And not a single one comes with a guarantee. So that's where we are at. I have wrote way too much and babbled on and on. Thanks for bearing with me. Let's all go enjoy a glass of wine and a Thursday night of "Scandal". If you don't watch that, you are missing out! Trust me, you want some Kerry Washington in your life. :) Thanks for loving me through the ups and downs. Through the blog ramblings too. Please know that if I am doing a crappy job keeping in touch, it is not because I don't care. I am sorry if I haven't returned your phone call, responded to an email or been able to make plans to get together. I truly am. I value my friends and family so much but please understand that I don't have much extra to give right now. It takes all I have to get through the work day and try to add in some exercise which I know is just as important as the medicine I take. Please be patient with me and know that I am doing my best. I have great hopes that this reduced dosage of my Ibrance will have me feeling better soon! xoxo, Meghan
32 Comments
Melissa Borg
2/9/2017 08:38:38 pm
Friend, thank you for the update.
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Sara
2/9/2017 08:40:21 pm
I love you and I'm sorry that this is happening right now, Meg. You are so brave, your honesty is humbling, and as always, I wish I could take it all away. Dig into that well wish box and read through what you're feeling, and how we can help even when we're not there. You're always on my mind. Praying for you and ((hugging)) you through here 💜 Love - S.
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Elizabeth
2/9/2017 08:58:46 pm
Love you, my friend. I am always here for you. ❤
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Aunt Kathy & Uncle Vince
2/9/2017 09:06:25 pm
We are surrounding you with loving thoughts and prayers. And will every single day.
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Elizabeth
2/9/2017 09:07:20 pm
Gosh Meg, I am just so sorry you are going through this rollercoaster. It does suck! I know if anyone can make the best of a situation it is you. You have such a gift of inspiring so many. Thank you for your honesty. I really want to know how things are so I appreciate you updating us. I love you friend. Pls know we are always praying ans around for anything that may make life a little easier.
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Holly
2/9/2017 09:10:09 pm
Meg- Sorry to hear that you are having a rough go of it. Hang in there. Praying that lower dosage works for you. Enjoy Scandal and that glass of vino! Love and hugs xo
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Mary Callaghan Lynch
2/9/2017 09:22:47 pm
You are beyond an inspiration to me beautiful dear courageous Meghan. But I must say that I am FURIOUS that you have to continue to cope with the effing "C" word. Thank you for sharing your truth and PLEASE know that you are in my daily prayers (on the TOP of my list) and I will continue to STORM THE HEAVENS. Hopefully you can feel the LOVE because you are cherished! ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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Aunt Norma
2/9/2017 09:35:49 pm
Lean on your emotions. Don't fight them. We understand if you don't return calls or cancel a visit. We are in awe of your strength and your willingness to share with us your experiences. I pray for you and send you a bright healing light to envelope you, keep you warm and safe! I love you Meghan! Come to Cabo next week! ❤😘🦋🙏🏼
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Katie ceci
2/9/2017 09:44:01 pm
Hugs to you. Such a shitty disease. Don't second guess yourself ever. You have done the best in such a horrible place. You have done the best. Going to watch scandal now because Kerry Washington is amazing xo
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Michael Malley
2/9/2017 10:09:29 pm
Meghan,
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Aunt Erin
2/9/2017 10:12:49 pm
Oh Meg's,
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Kathleen
2/9/2017 10:50:01 pm
Dearest Meghan,
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Julie
2/10/2017 12:22:15 am
I love you Meg. On your worst day you are still a grateful, strong, caring and loving woman. Don't make any apologies and know that we are all here for you.
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Tracey Steeves
2/10/2017 06:52:21 am
Meghan... First of all, Big hugs! Next... NEVER feel you have to answer or apologize to anyone! Anyone who knows you and knows your "normal", understands. You do what is best for YOU, always. You can always update on this blog to bring everyone up to speed like you just did. Bottom line, YOU and your happiness and quality of life matter most. Focus on those things, and anything else like friends and evenings out are the icing on the cake. I'm so sorry for what this diseaese is doing to you. And those frustrations of "damned if I do, damned if I don't" resonate with all who go thru this. You are not alone, and when you hurt, we all hurt. I wish nothing but the best for you. So be validated... you are allowed to be angry, tired, scared, upset, frustrated, etc..., and not apologize. We will all be here for you for you to to vent, lean on, and we will pray for you. Thank you for updating us. Love you, Meghan! ❤️
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Heidi Hannan
2/10/2017 07:23:27 am
Meghan, you are such a strong and beautiful warrior. Thank you for sharing your true feelings with us as you bravely attack this menace. Always holding you up in prayer and hoping the coming days will include a bit more sunshine and a return of your strength. It is ok to admit your vulnerabilities-- that just makes even more proud to be on your team. You are a real hero and you will keep winning this fight my dear. Rest up---- you are some kind of powerful--- I know it. Sending love and gentle hugs.
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Bridget
2/10/2017 01:09:07 pm
My beautiful Meaghan, I am always praying for you & Mike and know that I am always here for you. Your posting is a true testament in your love for us all! Please don't be so hard on yourself !
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Meagan
2/10/2017 01:26:47 pm
So very proud to call you my friend. The world understands and no one is upset with you for putting you first. Keep taking good care of yourself...and never be afraid to ask others to take care of you too.
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Kara
2/10/2017 02:37:06 pm
Always sending you love and prayers my friend. You are so strong!! I know you will continue to fight. And we love you unconditionally no matter how many phone calls you can't return or how many plans you break. Those should be the farthest from your worries right now! 💗 Xoxo
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Chanel
2/10/2017 04:21:10 pm
Meghan,
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Diana C
2/10/2017 06:22:00 pm
I am constantly thinking about you and praying for you. I know how tired you must be from the meds and the recent news but you are in inspiration to all of us and a true rockstar. Keep kicking this disease's ass! You are an all powerful warrior woman!
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Mary boyle
2/10/2017 08:11:18 pm
💕💕💕 Even your "I feel shitty posts" have fun in them, get after that wine and scandal my friend. Be kind to yourself!!
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Sarah
2/10/2017 08:58:39 pm
Meghan, I saw your post which was passed on from Lara McGregor. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and fears and being real. I don't have cancer and still feel many of same ways you do and appreciate that we all are connected through our humanness and womanhood. I will pray for you and hope your energy lifts as well as your blood count numbers. Bless you.
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Roni Hall
2/10/2017 09:06:27 pm
You are just so beautiful...inside and out...and I know where you get it from!. Take care, sweet girl and take comfort in that there are so many that love you. I don't see you often but I love you too. With all you have going on, you continue to inspire others. You are a gift. xox
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Chelki
2/11/2017 05:42:00 pm
I love you Meg. I am so sorry you've been feeling so low. Despite everything, you still continue to be the most inspirational person I know. I look up to you so much. All my Love. XO ~Chelk
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Bob Hart
2/12/2017 04:34:17 pm
Meghan - Deb and I just got back from being away. We were fortunate to be on a cruise in the Galapagos Islands. Your very emotional expressions about how hard it is for you right now reminded me of the explorers back in the day who faced severely rough seas and unknown futures. They faced hidden dangers, rocky shoals, rough weather and untold other challenges. This does not remotely compare to your situation, but Deb and I do hope that you find your personal calmer waters, softer beaches, and brighter tomorrows. Take care and our best to Mike also.
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matthew drake
2/12/2017 11:04:17 pm
Meghan you are a fighter, inspiration a great friend and so much more. I Love you. MEOW, meow, MEOW, meow. Miss you. Thinking of you and continued Prayers for you. Love you.
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Julie F
2/13/2017 12:31:57 am
Dear Meghan,
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Michelle Villerot
2/13/2017 04:38:53 pm
We continue to keep you and Mike in our thoughts and prayers. Hopefully the medication reduction is giving you some relief. XO 💕
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Kathy Richgels
2/16/2017 07:53:21 pm
Prayers for you Meghan.
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Leeny!
3/16/2017 08:57:18 pm
Hey Buddy! I'm checking in on you! Sorry to hear it was a bad month. I hope you are feeling better for your birthday on Tuesday. Treat yourself- you deserve it! Love, Leen
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Helen Graczyk
3/19/2017 03:43:14 am
My prayers and positive energy are being sent your way.
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Dave Taylor
3/22/2017 01:25:56 pm
Dear Meghan, you are a super person! You are dealing with more than any one should have to and are a inspiration to more people than you know. Super love from the east side!!
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