There are times when it seems that my life is at a total stand still as I watch everyone else continue on with theirs. Everyone else continues to go to work, cook dinner, go out with friends, and plan their future. Lately, I haven't been able to do any of these things and it has really gotten me down the last few days. Sometimes it feels like there are invisible chains holding me down - keeping me prisoner in my bed - secluding me from the world that I have always known. I am a social person. I love being around people - talking to others - laughing with friends. Mike and I have long been teased by many that know us for the fact that we are "the busiest people ever", or how we "are going to a wedding every weekend", or how we are simply never home because we are always out and about doing a million things. It's true - I never truly realized how much that was true until now. I didn't realize how busy of a life I led because it was normal to me - I liked it that way. Yeah, I might have bitten off more than I could chew sometimes, but I never wanted to say no to things because I truly enjoyed everything I got myself into. Whether it was attending 12 weddings a year, staying late at work to help run a support group, or filling my one spare Saturday a month with a photography workshop - I didn't mind being super busy because I truly loved every single thing I was involved in. Now that my body won't allow me to live that type of schedule, I miss it desperately. I am not good at laying around. I hate watching tv all day or trying to waste time on the computer. I am not even good at reading books these days because I am tired of laying here. This is so foreign from the life that I have always led, and truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting it. I miss my old life. I miss looking at my calendar and laughing at how every day three months from now was already filled with fun things to do - never questioning if I would feel well enough to actually attend these events. I miss interacting with my patients every day. I miss cooking for my husband. I miss being a planner and discussing with Mike where we wanted to travel to next or what our next house would be like. I promise you that my normal positive attitude has not been a front. I have not had to try to stay positive or upbeat - it is truly the core of who I am to try to see things in a positive light. But don't get me wrong, I have hard days. I get upset, frustrated, and sometimes angry while trying to accept the new path that my life has taken. I continue to appreciate that fact that I have so much to be grateful for and have so many blessings - but sometimes my heart is just so heavy and I long to rewind back to a few months ago when Mike and I sat at the kitchen table one night and talked about how perfect our lives were - how we had never been happier. With one phone call, it all changed. I know my body needs rest and time to recover. I know it's "normal" to feel like this and that I just had chemo a few days ago. I know there are times when I am guilty of being a little hard on myself. I know I will regain my energy and be able to get out of bed soon. Logically, I "know" all of these things. But sometimes you can't turn off your emotions. I sit back and watch as my friends travel with their spouse, start new jobs, begin a family...and I am truly so happy for them. But, I can't help but feel like I am a spectator, sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else's life carry on while the life I thought I would have quickly passes me by. Truthfully, this third round of chemo has treated me well and I really can't complain too much. I haven't been nauseous or sick and haven't had any bouts with lightheadedness. It's almost a double edge sword because I feel well enough to think I can do whatever I want, but then when I attempt it, I am quickly reminded of the intense fatigue that chemo brings. It is beyond frustrating and I guess this week I am just having a tougher time dealing with it. Thank you for letting this blog be a place where I can vent and release my true emotions, whether good or bad. I haven't really wanted to deal with these emotions this week. I started to write this post on a few occasions and deleted it because sometimes it's just too overwhelming and I didn't want to go down that road. But, I know it's important for me to express how I truly feel and get it all out so I can move on and focus on all of the things I have to be grateful for. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers- and say an extra one for Mike this time. The poor guy came down with the flu yesterday and I feel awful for him. He NEVER gets sick and I can't even remember the last time he had a cold. I haven't seen him like this in over five years (at least!) and I just feel so bad for him. Keep your fingers crossed that my immune system is a champ this week and that I am not the next victim of the flu in this house. Thank God for Momma Jan and her awesome nursing skills - we would be in major trouble without her! xoxo, Meghan Felt like taking a trip down memory lane today...Mike and I visiting the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland during the summer of 2009...a trip of a lifetime! After ten days in Ireland, we headed to London...a perfect trip with the best travel partner ever! Looking forward to more trips like this in the future!
28 Comments
Meagan
5/26/2011 02:39:20 am
Thanks for sharing Meg...I know this was not an easy post for you to share. This reminds me of the conversation that you, Nichole, Julie and I had when we all went out to dinner in Ann Arbor a couple of months ago... N, J and I were all telling you we admired how you could handle everything that you put on your plate and didn't know how you did it. Knowing that is the type of person you are, I know this is especially hard for you and I am sorry. Life has certainly taken an unexpected turn for you and the forced silence must be difficult to understand. Someday this WILL all make sense...it's just flat out awful being in the middle of it and being stuck wondering why.
Reply
Laura Martin
5/26/2011 02:53:08 am
Thank you for being brave and sharing this. It is not easy to write like this and then share it with everyone. Much love to you Meghan.
Reply
Aunt Carol
5/26/2011 03:36:04 am
Meghan, I love you! The strength it must have taken to put all this out here and share it with so many people who care about you, I am so amazed by you!
Reply
Andria Trumble
5/26/2011 07:37:40 am
Meghan,
Reply
Courtney Ketchie
5/26/2011 08:26:04 am
We love you Meghan and there are lots of prayers for you, Mike, and your family coming from NC:). I just found out about your blog yesterday and I love it! You are great writer and photographer! One of my favorite verses to cling to -- " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11
Reply
Linda L
5/26/2011 08:59:28 am
Meghan,
Reply
Sally
5/26/2011 10:18:53 am
Dear sweet Meghan,
Reply
Kiki
5/26/2011 01:07:07 pm
This blog post is sort of ironic...when I was driving home from your house on Monday, I thought about this. I could see some annoyance and irritation at the fact that you are in bed so much, that you get so fatigued so quickly, and that you just cant get up and go. I could definitely tell that it was wearing on you, and yes, it does suck, but then, I thought more about it, the fact that it was wearing on you and you are getting annoyed by it, well, that definitely shows the Meghan I know, your Irish spirit and attitude coming out :) Yes, you will have bad days, but just know, I'll hang out with you, watching Oprah and eating cupcakes any day. Love you friend! xo
Reply
Jackie Szymanski
5/26/2011 02:38:37 pm
Meghan,
Reply
Ree
5/26/2011 02:49:39 pm
uncle zim comes to mind absorbing your emotions..he said to me ..maybe this is why we are called the human race..we are always racing..going here and doing this and that. always on the go, how did he get so smart?!?!!?! time slips away so fast..why is it when we were kids a day lasted forevvvverrrrr..as adults its like a movie in fast fwd looking back on where we have been.. life is so amazing and a true gift..you treasure every second and are waiting for the race to start again ..it will baby girl..it already has ..you just don't see it yet. cuz your in intermission..Mike knows..yo mama knows and doug knows..game is on
Reply
Katie Ceci
5/26/2011 03:22:25 pm
Meg,
Reply
Megs, I am truly at a loss for words. . . .I hope you realize the true fervor you naturally withhold for life, happiness, the little things, leaving a meghan malley mark, your compassion for your patients, friends and family, and your inexhaustible love for mike, etc . . . is so inspiring on so many levels to those who are closest to you and many many strangers. I can only pray that God will return your "pay it forward" lifestyle, and I have no doubt in my mind that he won't! YOU WILL kick cancer out of your body and empower many others battling cancer. God is only making you stronger, each and everyday . . . You are an amazing, inspiring young lady . . . and you are leaving your mark on so many even if it is just from your laptop while lying in bed. Carpe Diem
Reply
Diana Maria
5/27/2011 03:11:50 am
Love you Meghan. You and Mike are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I wish I could be closer to home to come by for some good laughs and catch up time. I'm going to be out there at least once or twice this summer, so if you're feeling up to it we'll have to get together for some good laughs.
Reply
Deb & Bob Hart
5/27/2011 04:40:43 am
You have a right to be down and sad and frustrated! Things will look up and things will get better. Trips down memory lane help alot and will help you have a vision for the future
Reply
Sara
5/27/2011 05:50:50 am
Meg ~ Thank you for sharing this with us. Your insight and honesty is so admirable. We are behind you 100%, on the good days and the sad days. We're always in your corner. I hope you find strength in that during weeks like this.
Reply
Aunt Erin
5/27/2011 07:32:53 am
Megs,
Reply
Meredith
5/27/2011 08:40:34 am
Meghan....
Reply
Carolyn & Mark Hallgath
5/27/2011 03:10:21 pm
Dear Meghan,
Reply
jjjjj
5/28/2011 02:18:54 pm
Reply
julie
5/28/2011 02:26:51 pm
Meg, your honesty is so beautiful and so heartbreaking. It is truly not fair that someone like you, who is always giving time to friends, family, and patients has to slow down life for a bit. You really are doing so much right now, even though you may think you're not. You are touching so many lives. I love you and I'm so proud of the words you are writing.
Reply
Chelsea
5/29/2011 04:20:54 am
Meg,
Reply
Barbara Byrd
5/29/2011 11:58:15 am
Meg,
Reply
Erica VandenBerg
5/30/2011 03:15:57 pm
Hi Meg! The mental battle of cancer has to be just as hard or if not harder then the physical battle. I'm glad you wrote this post though and vented about it. Things will get better as time goes on but in the mean time perhaps check out some of the groups at Gilda's Club in Royal Oak. I've heard great things about it. Hang in there-thinking about you lots!
Reply
Mary Jane Hsu
5/30/2011 04:11:48 pm
Dearest Meghan,
Reply
Aunt Carol
5/31/2011 05:35:25 am
Hope that you had a beautiful week-end (between or under the raindrops!!
Reply
Kara
5/31/2011 08:30:52 am
Meg,
Reply
Marty and Keely Daley
5/31/2011 01:44:23 pm
Hey Meg....say it LOUD....THIS SUCKS! Never feel bad or worry about how you have to stay strong. You can tell us exactly how you feel and we all know how normal that is. Our job is to be strong for you when you don't feel like it. We will be your cheerleaders, your support, your hand to hold, we will pray for you and Mike and never stop.
Reply
Jonette
6/6/2011 10:38:06 am
Meghan, How familiar all of this sounds. When going through chemo there were days I felt the same way. I figured out that I was entitled to a pity party every once in a while. So I would curl up on the corner of the couch, pull the blanket over my head and say "Poor Me". And then I found out I could only do that for a little while and I would throw off the blanket and pull myself up and go on. I know that is what you will do too. Think of it in the way fatigue is your enemy and you need that down time to get it all together again. I wish I had had a blog available to me when I was dealing with that "medical community". Good for you that you do this. Keep up the good work. As always each day you are in my prayers.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy blog to keep you all Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|