There are times when it seems that my life is at a total stand still as I watch everyone else continue on with theirs. Everyone else continues to go to work, cook dinner, go out with friends, and plan their future. Lately, I haven't been able to do any of these things and it has really gotten me down the last few days.
Sometimes it feels like there are invisible chains holding me down - keeping me prisoner in my bed - secluding me from the world that I have always known. I am a social person. I love being around people - talking to others - laughing with friends. Mike and I have long been teased by many that know us for the fact that we are "the busiest people ever", or how we "are going to a wedding every weekend", or how we are simply never home because we are always out and about doing a million things. It's true - I never truly realized how much that was true until now. I didn't realize how busy of a life I led because it was normal to me - I liked it that way. Yeah, I might have bitten off more than I could chew sometimes, but I never wanted to say no to things because I truly enjoyed everything I got myself into. Whether it was attending 12 weddings a year, staying late at work to help run a support group, or filling my one spare Saturday a month with a photography workshop - I didn't mind being super busy because I truly loved every single thing I was involved in.
Now that my body won't allow me to live that type of schedule, I miss it desperately. I am not good at laying around. I hate watching tv all day or trying to waste time on the computer. I am not even good at reading books these days because I am tired of laying here. This is so foreign from the life that I have always led, and truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting it. I miss my old life. I miss looking at my calendar and laughing at how every day three months from now was already filled with fun things to do - never questioning if I would feel well enough to actually attend these events. I miss interacting with my patients every day. I miss cooking for my husband. I miss being a planner and discussing with Mike where we wanted to travel to next or what our next house would be like.
I promise you that my normal positive attitude has not been a front. I have not had to try to stay positive or upbeat - it is truly the core of who I am to try to see things in a positive light. But don't get me wrong, I have hard days. I get upset, frustrated, and sometimes angry while trying to accept the new path that my life has taken. I continue to appreciate that fact that I have so much to be grateful for and have so many blessings - but sometimes my heart is just so heavy and I long to rewind back to a few months ago when Mike and I sat at the kitchen table one night and talked about how perfect our lives were - how we had never been happier. With one phone call, it all changed.
I know my body needs rest and time to recover. I know it's "normal" to feel like this and that I just had chemo a few days ago. I know there are times when I am guilty of being a little hard on myself. I know I will regain my energy and be able to get out of bed soon. Logically, I "know" all of these things. But sometimes you can't turn off your emotions. I sit back and watch as my friends travel with their spouse, start new jobs, begin a family...and I am truly so happy for them. But, I can't help but feel like I am a spectator, sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone else's life carry on while the life I thought I would have quickly passes me by.
Truthfully, this third round of chemo has treated me well and I really can't complain too much. I haven't been nauseous or sick and haven't had any bouts with lightheadedness. It's almost a double edge sword because I feel well enough to think I can do whatever I want, but then when I attempt it, I am quickly reminded of the intense fatigue that chemo brings. It is beyond frustrating and I guess this week I am just having a tougher time dealing with it.
Thank you for letting this blog be a place where I can vent and release my true emotions, whether good or bad. I haven't really wanted to deal with these emotions this week. I started to write this post on a few occasions and deleted it because sometimes it's just too overwhelming and I didn't want to go down that road. But, I know it's important for me to express how I truly feel and get it all out so I can move on and focus on all of the things I have to be grateful for. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers- and say an extra one for Mike this time. The poor guy came down with the flu yesterday and I feel awful for him. He NEVER gets sick and I can't even remember the last time he had a cold. I haven't seen him like this in over five years (at least!) and I just feel so bad for him. Keep your fingers crossed that my immune system is a champ this week and that I am not the next victim of the flu in this house. Thank God for Momma Jan and her awesome nursing skills - we would be in major trouble without her!
Felt like taking a trip down memory lane today...Mike and I visiting the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland during the summer of 2009...a trip of a lifetime!
After ten days in Ireland, we headed to London...a perfect trip with the best travel partner ever! Looking forward to more trips like this in the future!
My blog to keep you all