My life, as I knew it, became dramatically different nearly seven months ago when I received that dreaded phone call. I have had many hurdles laid out in front of me over the past few months and have done my best to take each one as it came, focusing all my energy on crossing that one specific hurdle, before looking onward to the next. It is the only way for me to do it - the only way to survive without being swallowed up in a sea of overwhelming worry and fear of the unknown. Taking one day at a time is the way I try to live my life now. Worrying about the next hurdle in my way only deters me from living in the moment and enjoying this day that God has given me.
So, when people ask me if I have been a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery, the answer is definitely "no". I have not been worried or scared or fearing surgery. I have been busy doing a million other things and enjoying feeling good throughout these past few weeks since I have completed chemo. But once again, my life as I now know it, is about to undergo another major change. And now that this change will be taking place in less than 24 hours, I would be lying if I said I wasn't starting to get a little nervous about it. I knew chemo would make me feel crappy but that would eventually pass - and it did. I knew losing my hair would be traumatic but that it would eventually grow back - and it did. I knew that losing my eye lashes and eye brows would look weird, but that they would grow back - and they did - although they are now falling out again! Darn it. ;) But there is no turning back with this. This is the first real permanent step. When it's done, it's done - and there is no coming back. I am nervous about how I will look, how I will feel, how I will adjust psychologically to losing such an obvious part of my body. But what I really keep thinking about is, "Will it ever feel the same again when Mike hugs me?" Every day before Mike leaves for work, he gives me a hug while I lay in bed - every evening when he gets home, he gives me a huge hug as soon as he walks into the house. It's the way we have always been. And now I fear that the numbness and loss of sensation that accompanies this procedure will rob me of fully feeling my husband's embrace every day. Logically I know that it's not the end of the world if I lose sensation across my chest - but I have learned to really cherish the little things, like the tight squeezes from Mike -and the thought of those hugs never again feeling the same, makes me sad. Tomorrow morning I will be undergoing a right modified radical mastectomy and a left simple mastectomy followed by immediate reconstruction. I won't go into detail about the actual surgical procedure but if you would like to read more about what a mastectomy is, please click here, and to learn more about reconstruction, click here. The surgery will last about 4 1/2 - 5 hours which will involve my breast surgeon, Dr. B performing the bilateral mastectomy followed by Dr. M, my plastic surgeon, coming in after her to start the reconstruction process. There are a few reconstruction methods available, however a few of those did not end up being viable options for me. I do not have enough abdominal tissue to use my own skin, fat and muscle for the reconstruction, which is what occurs during a TRAM flap procedure - the most common type of breast reconstruction. Therefore, after discussing all options with Dr. M, we have decided that the best course of treatment for me is reconstruction with implants. The process is a long one, and not without risks but we are confident that this is the right path for me. To give you a better idea of what will be taking place, here is a rough outline of the steps involved:
Soooo.....do you see what I mean about taking one day at a time? It's just too much to think about otherwise. There are some definite risks to all of this, especially once I have radiation. There is about a 20% chance that the radiation could cause the tissue expander to fail which means I would have to have surgery to remove them and my only available option for reconstruction at that point would be a much more invasive and difficult surgery. Although I am very confident in my decisions and feel in my heart that this is my best course of treatment, it is not without risks and fear - I hope and pray everything goes as well as possible and that we can stick with our game plan. I am asking once again for all of you to rally around us in love and prayer, just like you always do. Please keep all of us in your prayers - not only for me to come out of surgery safely, but also for Mike, Mom, Doug and Jeff as they will no doubt be worrying while they wait to make sure I am okay. Please say extra prayers for Dr. B, Dr. M, the anesthesiologist, nurses, and all other staff that will be part of my surgery and recovery. Thank you so much for the frozen meals, comfy clothes, cards, and well wishes that so many of you have sent during these days leading up to surgery. I truly feel your love and support all around me and that's what will get me through this. xoxo, Meghan ps. Today is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day...there is still such a long way to go to research a cure and more effective treatments for this disease. To get a small glimpse of what metastatic breast cancer is like for the 155,000 of us living with it in the U.S please take a look at this short video http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NM_Sz-ZLt5M I was hoping to leave you with some gorgeous fall pics of my neighborhood but sadly yesterday's rain washed most of the leaves off of the trees. So instead, here's a look at my festive porch :)
35 Comments
Claire Allen
10/13/2011 04:53:15 am
Good luck tomorrow Meghan. Our hearts are with you and there will be continuous prayers coming your way. You are a pillar of strength. xox
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Mary Boyle
10/13/2011 05:08:44 am
Thinking about you always and sending healthy, healing thoughts your way--especially as you begin this next step.
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Chelsea
10/13/2011 05:31:20 am
love you so much and I am sending love, blessings, prayers, and warm sunny thoughts to all of you.
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Laura Martin
10/13/2011 05:46:42 am
Lots of hugs and thoughts coming your way.
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Barb A.
10/13/2011 05:52:58 am
Hi Meghan Honey, Thanks so much for sharing the surgical plan with all of us, as well as your thoughts and feelings. I wish you a smooth course through all of this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Love, Barb xo
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Kaitlin Stamm
10/13/2011 05:58:57 am
You'll be in my thoughts all day today and tomorrow. I love you Meg, there is no doubt in my mind that you'll come through this with flying colors.
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Brinley
10/13/2011 06:37:22 am
Meg!
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Nancy Gould
10/13/2011 06:37:26 am
Dear Sweet Meghan....have been thinking & praying for you & Mike & your family....hope all goes well tomorrow with your surgery and your recovery....will be saying extra prayers for everyone...Love Aunt Nancy
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Aunt Carol
10/13/2011 09:26:36 am
As always....I will be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
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Aunt Erin
10/13/2011 11:05:34 am
Hey Honey,
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Nancy Doman
10/13/2011 11:39:46 am
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, your friends and your team of doctors, nurses and staff. You are truly an inspiration to all of us.
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Carolyn & Mark
10/13/2011 12:20:32 pm
Meghan,
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Joe & Jen
10/13/2011 01:06:24 pm
Give em hell tomorrow Meg! Love you lots!
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Melissa Borg
10/13/2011 01:29:05 pm
Meg~
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Sarah B
10/13/2011 01:34:35 pm
Hi Meg, Thinking and praying for your safe journey through surgery tomorrow. Many angels are watching over you.
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Ree
10/13/2011 03:09:20 pm
oh baby girl..love you so much...you are so brave.. ..prayers headed your way in force..
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Kiki
10/13/2011 03:18:41 pm
The heavens are being flooded with prayers for you Meg, you got this girl. Love you! xoxo
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Patty L.
10/13/2011 03:27:51 pm
You are always on my mind especially tonight. I am praying for you, your family and your medical team. Stay strong!!! God has you tight in his hands and will keep you safe throughout the surgery and the days to follow. Prayers, blessing and hugs to you and Mike. XOXO
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Dana
10/13/2011 04:04:32 pm
You're going to do great!
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Nancy Froseth
10/13/2011 04:04:58 pm
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you, Mike, and your entire family. Your fight continues.....
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Gina V.
10/13/2011 04:13:48 pm
GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SAFE~
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Meagan
10/13/2011 09:01:33 pm
Dear Meg...you are the true definition of beautiful. Your warm smile, your sparkling blue eyes, your thoughtful heart, your quick wit, your generous soul...all of it makes you a package that radiates light everywhere you go... All of these beautiful things about you were there before this journey began and this journey is only adding to the incredible character that makes you the beautiful you...
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Susan Cline
10/14/2011 01:29:38 am
Dear Meghan,
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Deb & Bob Hart
10/14/2011 02:08:28 am
We will be thinking of you even more so today. Hope all goes well. You are in good hands all around!
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Sara
10/14/2011 03:09:59 am
GO MEG!!!!! I will be thinking about you, Mike, your Mom and the rest of your family all day long!!!! Prayers for a safe surgery and a quick recovery. God is with you today as always <3 Lots of love to you!!! ~Sara
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Stacy Flowers
10/14/2011 08:10:50 am
Hi Meg! It's Stacy from Michigan Orthopedic Rehab. What is it...3 or 4 years since we had you as a student? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you today. I've been following your blog, and as the daughter of an 11-year cancer survivor, you've made me laugh, cry, and most of all feel uplifted and inspired. You're amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you're recovering from surgery. I used to work for a plastic surgeon whose favorite procedure was reconstruction... You may feel like crap now, but you're going to have some awesome, perky boobies in the end. :D By the way, you're super-cute with the super-short hair!! -Stacy
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Nancy
10/15/2011 01:26:40 am
Hi Meghan,
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Katie and Krysten
10/15/2011 04:20:54 am
Hope you are feeling strong and are able to rest and heal fast. Big hurdle conquered! Hugs from ann arbor...enjoy the pain meds!
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Madeline
10/15/2011 06:09:44 am
Hope that all went well with the surgery and you are home. Please let your loved ones pamper you! They are there with you because there is no other place they would rather be! Prayers are being sent your way today and every day!
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Cynthia Tillie-Williams
10/16/2011 02:47:53 am
Dear Megan
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Usha Ramaprakash
10/16/2011 11:39:18 am
Hi Meghan,
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10/17/2011 01:49:36 pm
Hi Meghan,
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Deb & Bob
10/17/2011 03:14:50 pm
Just wanted to let you know we were thinking of you and wishing you the best
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Kara
10/18/2011 06:52:30 am
So glad I got to have lunch with you before your surgery! Love you friend. "You're doing a great job!" :)
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Katie
10/28/2011 04:54:01 pm
hi, your in my prayers..... I used to be a radiation therapist so I saw first hand what you will be going through. I pray you will consider reading and taking to heart a book by Raymond Francis called Never Fear Cancer Again. May God bless you and keep you strong Meghan.
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