There is no doubt about the fact that cancer is one sneaky beast. Lurking in the darkness. Slowly creeping up through the shadows and rearing it's ugly head at any time. I have always known this. I have lived this while watching relatives and friends face the disease before I did. But it is another thing altogether when cancer sinks its fangs into you. I have been neglecting the blog so much over the last couple of years because truthfully, all has been relatively stable for me since my recurrence at the end of 2014. Life has been full and busy - just like I have always liked it. Work, photography, travel, family, pups, friends, cooking...fitting as much into each day as possible. This summer I was feeling the best I have in years. One of my bff's and I devoted ourselves to a morning bootcamp class before work and I faithfully attended for about 12 weeks. It felt so good to finally feel more like myself - energized, strong, and comfortable in my own skin. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly that can all change. On September 15th I awoke around 2am to excruciating back pain...the kind that is impossible to describe unless you have experienced bone pain from cancer. I have felt this before and know it all too well. I felt like my back was going to shatter in a million tiny pieces. I woke Mike up and asked him to please try to rub my back in the hopes of some relief. To make a long story short, after suffering through the work day and barely getting through it, I ended up in the ER that night. This started a cascade of events which have led to where we are today. At the risk of skipping some details, but saving some energy, here is the "highlight reel".... ;) -Completed bone scans, CT scans and spine MRI's the last week of September -Learned on Sept 29th that I had progression in my spine at multiple levels which also caused my T8 vertebrae to be fractured -Underwent high dose radiation treatments to my spine every day before work for two weeks which concluded on October 14th -After initially only feeling some fatigue and slight nausea, I encountered severe side effects the week after radiation ended. My esophagus was an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of radiation and the damage was unexpected and extremely painful. It was not a sore throat due to the radiation burn that you would expect. It was more like trying to swallow glass through a tube that had narrowed down so tight that even water caused ridiculous pain and coughing. It become so bad that I avoided food and liquid altogether; resutling in a 8 pound weight loss over 4 days, along with severe exhaustion and overall feeling like crap.
-Could finally start eating towards the middle/end of last week and have been feeling MUCH better! So, that brings us to today. I went in this morning for a follow up with Dr. F, my oncologist. It is too exhausting to detail right now but basically, I thought he wanted to stay the course on my current treatment because it has been keeping the rest of my body free from disease and limiting the disease to my spine. I was taken by surprise this morning when he immediately stated he wants to switch my treatment plan completely to two targeted therapy drugs. I had been feeling in my heart that it was time to switch treatments but I guess I just didn't expect it today and I wasn't prepared. It unleashed a flood of emotions and uncertainties about the future.... What will these side effects be like? Will this change my quality of life? Will I be able to maintain my normal busy schedule? Will I feel nauseous? Fatigued? Lose/gain weight? Will this work and for how long? What if I have another progression soon and blow through yet another treatment option? What if it doesn't keep the disease limited to the bone? What will happen if this fails? I have been beyond blessed these last 5 1/2 years to maintain a pretty great quality of life despite all I have been through. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to start to head down that road of jumping from one treatment to the next because things have stopped working. I don't want to hear, "there is nothing else we can do for you". I learned tonight that another young friend with MBC was just told those exact words yesterday. She has entered hospice and it's just heartbreaking. The other tough part of today was making the decision to finally have my ovaries removed. My disease is fed by estrogen so my ovarian function has been medically suppresed since I was first diagnosed...first through chemo and immediately following through that lovely shot of Zoladex I receive every single month. Dr. F has always said that there is no real difference between the Zoladex and having my ovaries surgically removed. I told him to tell me point blank if it would better my chances for survival to have them removed and he said the research can't prove that. So, we decided to stay on Zoladex and not rock the boat by having surgery. Well, today he finally said, "If it was me, I would have them out." That's all I needed to hear. I know it will be a pretty straightforward laproscopic procedure, and I am not worried about the surgery itself at all. But it just feels like another huge punch in the gut. Another glaring reminder of all that cancer has robbed from me. I feel like I have been dismantled piece by piece of all that makes me a woman - the loss of my hair, my eyelashes, my breasts, my ovaries, my ability to bear children. It is a pain that runs so very deep and having my ovaries removed opens that wound up...a wound I have tried so desperately to close up and allow to heal. My new treatment plan will consist of two new drugs I will write more about later. They are extremely expensive so I have to wait to start them until I receive insurance authorization and I don't know when that will be. I will take an oral pill daily for 3 weeks and then have 1 week off, then repeat. The other drug is an intramuscular injection that I will receive in the good ole' tush. I will receive it every 2 weeks for the first 3 rounds and then every 4 weeks after that. There are side effects of these new drugs that are highly likely, including a significant decline in my blood counts which will place me at high risk for infections as well as cause fatigue. There are many other possibilities but these are the most likely. I will have blood work completed every 2 weeks to make sure my counts stay in a range that is safe enough to receive the treatment. So this is where we are, friends. This is the plan until this disease starts crawling back up from the darkness and threatening to rock our world once again. But, with each attack it wages, I will beat it back down and chase it right back into the shadows...running it out of the sunshine where I choose to live my life. Please keep me in your prayers. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and down right now, which is not a place I like to be. Please keep Mike and my family in your prayers. Spefically, please pray for wisdom for our medical team to help us to make the right choices for my care; for strength to endure whatever may come our way; and for faith and perserverance while remembering that we are in God's hands and are loved and cared for every step of the way. I promise to write more soon and keep you all updated. Thank you for always being the most incredible support system anyone could every ask for. It is appreciated more than you will ever know! xoxo, Meg
48 Comments
Laura
11/3/2016 10:23:27 pm
Keep us updated. Thinking of you all the time!
Reply
Brinley
11/3/2016 10:30:50 pm
Meg,
Reply
Gor
11/3/2016 10:32:16 pm
You're incredible, Meg. I truly look up to you in ever sense. Good vibes from Boston. ❤️❤️❤️
Reply
Kathleen Bungart
11/3/2016 10:34:55 pm
Meghan, you are so loved and cherished. Thank you for sharing your journey, your faith, your strength, your honesty. I hope we all can take on a piece of this battle to lift you up and lighten your load. I pray for you, Mike, and your medical team that you are surrounded by love, hope and wisdom. I love you Meghan! Kathleen
Reply
Elizabeth
11/3/2016 10:42:13 pm
Despite the emotions you must be feeling today, you still seem to write something so raw, heartfelt and honest. You are an incredible woman Meghan and I admire you in so many ways. Love you beautiful friend. xo
Reply
Megan
11/3/2016 10:57:15 pm
Beautiful words from a beautiful woman! I cannot imagine the challenges you have faced, are facing and will face in the future but your bravery is something that continues to amaze me! Stay strong and know you have a community of prayer, love and support behind you Meghan! Love you girl
Reply
Julie
11/3/2016 10:58:22 pm
You have been through so much and you have overcome so much. You are the toughest person I know, Meg. You will get through this and we will all be there for you. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I hope it brings you some relief, knowing there are so many people sending you and Mike love. Love you.
Reply
Meredith
11/3/2016 11:11:24 pm
Friend.....I am praying with you and for you! Thank you for your transparency ALWAYS! I know I speak for SO many when I say...You make my heart happy! Love you!!
Reply
Erica Ahmed
11/3/2016 11:22:23 pm
I missed seeing this font! Glad to see that you are finding things like writing to keep you sane during these trying times. I always admire how you take action in the face of challenging circumstances. Hang in there and prayers coming your way 😘
Reply
Deb and Bob
11/3/2016 11:31:17 pm
Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue your fight against this horrible disease. You are an awesome fighter and are sure you will continue to win the battle. Please keep us posted. You are so eloquent in how you express your feelings and want to know how you are doing
Reply
Danielle
11/3/2016 11:38:34 pm
Meghan,
Reply
Mo
11/3/2016 11:39:58 pm
Meghan - My heart breaks and at the same time bursts with pride to know you. I know your medical team will continue to do everything with care, competence and wisdom. You will continue to be surrounded with love from friends and family. You are a remarkable person. Please know I send all hope and every good wish your way. XOXO
Reply
Tim McD
11/4/2016 01:13:52 am
Meghan-I write this while fighting back tears. I truly wish that there was something that I could do to permanently relieve you of the burden that you face on a daily basis. As I have told you many times, you are a hero to me. Your strength in the face of adversity is incredibly inspiring. I have never encountered you when you were not smiling and making a positive impression on all who you encounter. Beyond that, your advocacy on behalf of all women whose lives are impacted by metastatic breast cancer is amazing. Personally, you motivate me to continue my advocacy, fundraising and quest to find a cure for breast cancer for all who are affected by the disease.
Reply
Kelley
11/4/2016 01:13:53 am
Here's a giant virtual hug for you Meg- I hope you can feel it, because it's a good one.
Reply
Mark H
11/4/2016 03:21:15 am
Meghan, with all my heart and soul, I pray for God to surround you with a healing energy to remove the beast that's hurting you. I picture this in my mind and I pray this to God.
Reply
Hayley L
11/4/2016 05:54:11 am
We will keep you, Mike, and your family in our prayers!
Reply
Melissa Borg
11/4/2016 06:31:18 am
My heart and prayers are with you, Mike and your family. I wish I could take some of your pain and burden. Keep fighting! You are an incredible inspiration. I love you!xo
Reply
T.Ann
11/4/2016 06:40:03 am
Meghan~
Reply
Mary
11/4/2016 07:17:37 am
Sending you love, prayers and abundant sunshine.
Reply
Maureen
11/4/2016 07:38:26 am
You, Mike, your family, and your doctors are in our prayers. You are so courageous and the most impressive young woman that I know. You and Paul are kindred spirits - choosing the sunshine even on the cloudiest day - it never ceases to amaze!
Reply
Cathy Piecuch
11/4/2016 08:46:49 am
You and Mike are in our thoughts and prayers. Plenty of 🌞 From your Lansing family.
Reply
Kara
11/4/2016 08:47:37 am
Meg, you have always been a graceful fighter and in this time of darkness, I know you will find your way to the sunlight. You are loved beyond words by so many. Keep fighting!! We love you! Please let us know if we can help in any way. Xoxo
Reply
Melanie
11/4/2016 08:48:40 am
Your strength amazes me....we are thinking of you and praying for you and Mike and your whole family. Love you and sending hugs from afar!
Reply
Sheryl
11/4/2016 09:23:09 am
Your strength is amazing and powerful. Sending you love, prayers and positive thoughts. ❤️
Reply
Sue
11/4/2016 10:09:47 am
Meghan, You will be in our thoughts, prayers, and wishes. So sorry this disease has reared its ugly head again, but the way you have handled it with strength, grace and positivity is inspiration to us all. Please know you have support and good vibes from Mark and I :)
Reply
Beaner
11/4/2016 10:31:52 am
Meghan,
Reply
Carrie
11/4/2016 12:20:04 pm
Thank you so much for sharing all of this, Meaghan! Your strength and positive outlook is astounding. If there's one thing I believe in, it's the power of prayer and the power of the strength that can be garnered when a community of loved ones and friends rally to share prayers and love. I pray for your strength, comfort and peace. <3
Reply
Katie L
11/4/2016 12:23:33 pm
Megan you are such a strong and beautiful WOMAN, and losing your "woman " parts doesn't change who you are as a person. I'm so sorry for your losses and the extreme challenges you and mike are facing. Prayers being sent up to God for many things for you both....
Reply
Audra
11/4/2016 01:42:47 pm
Tears in my eyes at my desk - I'm sending you so much love, Meg ❤️ Also, you're an excellent writer and I so appreciate you sharing your story. Xo, Audra
Reply
Aubri
11/4/2016 03:34:58 pm
I'm so so sorry you're going through this, Meghan. It isn't fair. Thank you thank for sharing your journey with us all - your strength and positivity continues to inspire me and I'm so fortunate to know you. You're an incredible and amazing woman, Meghan!
Reply
Kyle
11/4/2016 04:35:39 pm
Your strength thru this journey continues to amaze me, your openess is such a testament to who you are, such an incredible woman and an inspiration to all that know you. Love, hugs and prayers to you friend. XOXO
Reply
Nancy Froseth
11/4/2016 06:19:06 pm
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
Reply
Elaine
11/4/2016 07:35:27 pm
Megan, you are truly an inspiration! I will keep you and your circle in my prayers. You are beyond talented!
Reply
Susan Keller
11/4/2016 08:00:16 pm
heartbroken AND hopeful with you. I will be praying - for all that you asked for - plus for an extra dose of "peace that transcends understanding" (phil. 4:7) for you, your family, and your friends.
Reply
Gabby
11/4/2016 09:09:06 pm
Meg... I met you a few months ago at Nichole Klebba's house. I am the Stella & Dot chick! :-) I of course don't know you any more than meeting you then and being in your presence for those couple of hours, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending out all possible healing requests to the universe for you!!! I would have never guessed that this lovely, upbeat, positive, and lively person had cancer! Thinking back on it... I'm pretty much in awe of you! So, I'm pulling for you, cheering you on, and hoping you keep up the good fight! XOXO
Reply
Angela
11/4/2016 10:13:06 pm
I have been a silent supporter of yours for a very long time. There is no need to be silent though...Please except my support and prayers. I will keep you in my thoughts as this new course of treatment bears down on you. Stay you.
Reply
Sarah
11/5/2016 12:05:10 am
Meg, I'm dripping tears and fist-clenchy after reading this... sad and pissed that this damn disease doesn't let up already. I love you for the joy you always find, and the emotion that you're not afraid to put out there. I'm praying, scowling, and fighting with you, my beautiful warrior friend.
Reply
Carolyn Hallgath
11/5/2016 09:17:17 am
Meghan, May God continue to bless you during this challenging time of your life. You are such an amazing young woman that has taught us more about living than anyone I have ever met. My prayers continue daily for you and your family. All my love !
Reply
Steph
11/5/2016 12:32:56 pm
Oh, Meghan. I am so sorry you have to continue dealing with this crap (for lack of a better word). You are so strong and an inspiration to all of us. You got this, Lady. Let's beat this thing!!! Always praying for you.
Reply
Eileen
11/5/2016 01:36:31 pm
Meghan, I add my prayers, love and support to all those who have commented. We are your Prayer Warriors, and I hope that on those difficult days, you will feel all of us surrounding and supporting you with abundant love.
Reply
Elizabeth
11/5/2016 04:33:53 pm
Meg, I can only imagine how overwhelming this all is! But we are all here to rally for you! You are one tough lady. You will push this thing back down. Prayers and positive thoughts.
Reply
Diane
11/6/2016 08:57:00 am
Always sending my thoughts and best wishes your way Meg, and I'll add the fam and those docs to my list for sure! Enjoy a beautiful day today and take in some of the best medicine......sunshine and puppy snuggles ( you know I believe strongly in the power of puppy snuggles!)
Reply
Liz Labianca
11/6/2016 10:52:30 am
I have no words - My heart is heavy for the direction this journey is taking you and Mike! You are again challenged to find strength when this disease can bring you down to your knees. I hope you know - you are always in my heart and on my mind. I LOVE you and wish with each word that I type that I didn't have to type them. Your courage while walking thought this fire is such an inspiration to so many people. You continue to leave an imprint on my life in a way that is indescribable. xoxoxliz
Reply
Michael Malley
11/6/2016 01:54:29 pm
Meghan,
Reply
Megan Duffey
11/6/2016 02:11:05 pm
Meg, your bravery throughout all of this is truly inspiring. Your eloquence and faith are amazing and can serve as a model for the rest of us. I pray for you daily and will continue to do so without end. Please know that my thoughts, prayers and love are always with you.
Reply
Kimberly Glushyn
11/7/2016 10:38:54 am
Meghan,
Reply
Michelle Villerot
11/7/2016 03:24:03 pm
Meghan, once again your writing is amazing and the story you share with us is inspiring. Thank you for reminding us all to live in the sunshine. I know your life dreams looked a little different before your diagnosis. However, God had a plan for you that is different than the one you imagined for yourself. God's plan has led you to be an incredible friend, to give strength to others who need hope and to educate so many of us about MBC. My prayers continue for you to beat this disease back into the shadows, for your medical team to have the knowledg to help you beat this disease into the shadows, and for you to know how much you are thought of each and every day. Your challenges have been great but your strength, perseverance, and your ability to touch so many lives has left a lasting impression to so many people throughout your journey. Even to those you've never met face to face.
Reply
Jim
11/7/2016 09:08:00 pm
Meghan, this is your Aunt Maureen and Uncle Ronnie's nephew, Jim McAskin. Aunt Maureen - God rest her soul - always spoke so highly of you. And reading your blog shows me that you share her great strength and perspective. Please know that you always have the prayers and thoughts of the McEachens and the McAskins.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy blog to keep you all Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|