I had a week to think about this latest news, to read the MRI reports and luckily have an impromptu appointment with my radiation oncologist last Thursday when I ran into him at Karmanos while there for blood work and an injection; all before meeting with Dr. F on Thursday morning.

The MRI report and meeting with my radiation oncologist revealed cancerous activity at more than one place in my spine and also elaborated on some of the damage that has remained there for the last few years due to cancer, radiation and other side effects.  The good news is that over the last two weeks, the pain in my back has subsided substantially.     So while my radiation oncologist said we can definitely radiate this area (even though part of it has already been radiated once), he would suggest waiting to play that card until I absolutely have to.  And I agreed.  Radiation to the spine carries a great deal of side effects, not only potential damage to the spinal cord, but also damage to surrounding structures.  The last bout of radiation I had to my spine left me feeling like I was swallowing glass and resulted in dropping too much weight in a few short days from my inability to eat or drink.  My radiation oncologist, Dr. M, assured me I can call him any day, at any time, if my pain returns and I need to get in for radiation.  He is simply the best and I am so grateful to have him on my team...and grateful I don't need his care again quite yet!  

Mom and I headed to my appointment Thursday morning, where we came with a handful of questions, but also a lot of faith in Dr. F and his opinion.  Dr. F shared that there are plenty of arguments to support changing my treatment at this point, but just as many to support watching and waiting.  These are some of the main points of our pretty long discussion together:

• Although I have had a couple new cancerous spots show up in my bones, this treatment protocol has prevented the cancer from spreading to my vital organs, so Dr. F still considers it a pretty successful treatment.
• I had a new spot show up in my lumbar spine last December and we decided to just watch it and it turned out to remain stable and hasn't caused any problems since. 
• My quality of life on this treatment regimen is pretty good.  Ever since my dose was lowered last year, I have much more manageable fatigue and very little in the way of other side effects.
• If we switch to another treatment we have absolutely no guarantee that it will be effective (in the bone or organs), and it will likely be more difficult to tolerate, with greater side effects. 
• The quicker I blow through these treatments, the quicker I run out of options...which is a very terrifying thought.  So, if we can even get another 3 months or 6 months out of this one, that would be great.

When the study was published in 2016 about the combination of drugs I am currently on, it was hailed as a huge success because the "progression-free survival" rate was 9.5 months.  I have been on this treatment for 22 months now so I am extremely grateful for that!  And if I can squeak out some more mileage on it, all the better! 

​On another note, I will be meeting with the Phase 1 Clinical Trial doctor at Karmanos in a couple of weeks to see what trials they have.  It is a scary thought for me because the phrase "clinical trial" has also felt like the words "palliative" or "hospice"....words you hear when things are extremely dire and there aren't many options left.  But luckily, Dr. F explained  it to us in a way that made a lot of sense and didn't feel nearly as terrifying.  

Aside from meeting with the clinical trial doc, Dr. F is going to watch me a little closer for now.  I will still have blood work every couple of weeks, injections every 4 weeks, see him every 8 weeks and get scanned again in 3 months instead of 6.  

I feel in my gut this is the right plan for me at this particular time.  I feel good about it - as does Mike, mom and my doctors.  So we wait...and we watch...and pray that the pain doesn't return and that these rogue cells chill out and hibernate for a good long while.

In the meantime, my blood counts have plummeted once again (never seems to be any rhyme or reason), so I wasn't able to restart my treatment on Thursday.  It does explain some of the additional fatigue I have been feeling lately.  I will have repeat labs done next Thursday and hopefully restart then.

I think that about sums it up.
Thanks for all the love and prayers!
​xoxo,
​Meg

It's not quite the exciting package one hopes for that appeared on the front porch today. No fun new pair of shoes from Nordstrom or random gadget from Amazon. This package is filled with potential to cause a range of symptoms from nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, fatigue, low white blood cell counts and mouth sores...just to name a few. But, this small box of 21 capsules is also filled with hope, potential stability and the return of healthier days. The only thing I do know for sure is that this package is filled with a whole lot of uncertainty. And although I am used to living with a great deal of it, this time the unknown seems a bit scarier.

This new medication is one of two new drugs I will be starting this week. This oral medication is called Ibrance, and is also known by the generic name of Palbociclib. Ibrance is what is known as a "targeted therapy". In very simplified terms, targeted therapies aim to attack the cancer cells without harming the body's normal, healthy cells. Therefore, targeted therapies, while they come with their own list of side effects, aren't as toxic as traditional chemotherapy agents. Ibrance is a targeted drug that blocks proteins in the cancer cell which in turn helps prevent the cells from dividing to create new cancer cells.

I will be taking Ibance daily for 3 weeks, followed by 1 week off which will allow my body some time to recover and for my blood counts to bounce back up. Due to the high risk of my white and red blood cell counts dropping significantly, I will have blood work drawn every two weeks to make sure I am safe to continue on this treatment.

-After initially only feeling some fatigue and slight nausea, I encountered severe side effects the week after radiation ended.  My esophagus was an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of radiation and the damage was unexpected and extremely painful.  It was not a sore throat due to the radiation burn that you would expect.  It was more like trying to swallow glass through a tube that had narrowed down so tight that even water caused ridiculous pain and coughing.  It become so bad that I avoided food and liquid altogether; resutling in a 8 pound weight loss over 4 days, along with severe exhaustion and overall feeling like crap.
-Could finally start eating towards the middle/end of last week and have been feeling MUCH better! 

So, that brings us to today.  I went in this morning for a follow up with Dr. F, my oncologist.  It is too exhausting to detail right now but basically, I thought he wanted to stay the course on my current treatment because it has been keeping the rest of my body free from disease and limiting the disease to my spine.  I was taken by surprise this morning when he immediately stated he wants to switch my treatment plan completely to two targeted therapy drugs.  I had been feeling in my heart that it was time to switch treatments but I guess I just didn't expect it today and I wasn't prepared.  It unleashed a flood of emotions and uncertainties about the future....

What will these side effects be like?  Will this change my quality of life?  Will I be able to maintain my normal busy schedule?  Will I feel nauseous?  Fatigued?  Lose/gain weight?  Will this work and for how long?  What if I have another progression soon and blow through yet another treatment option?  What if it doesn't keep the disease limited to the bone?  What will happen if this fails? 

I have been beyond blessed these last 5 1/2 years to maintain a pretty great quality of life despite all I have been through.  I don't want to lose that.  I don't want to start to head down that road of jumping from one treatment to the next because things have stopped working.  I don't want to hear, "there is nothing else we can do for you".  I learned tonight that another young friend with MBC was just told those exact words yesterday.  She has entered hospice and it's just heartbreaking. 

The other tough part of today was making the decision to finally have my ovaries removed.  My disease is fed by estrogen so my ovarian function has been medically suppresed since I was first diagnosed...first through chemo and immediately following through that lovely shot of Zoladex I receive every single month.  Dr. F has always said that there is no real difference between the Zoladex and having my ovaries surgically removed.  I told him to tell me point blank if it would better my chances for survival to have them removed and he said the research can't prove that.  So, we decided to stay on Zoladex and not rock the boat by having surgery.

Well, today he finally said, "If it was me, I would have them out."  That's all I needed to hear.  I know it will be a pretty straightforward laproscopic procedure, and I am not worried about the surgery itself at all.  But it just feels like another huge punch in the gut.  Another glaring reminder of all that cancer has robbed from me.  I feel like I have been dismantled piece by piece of all that makes me a woman - the loss of my hair, my eyelashes, my breasts, my ovaries, my ability to bear children.  It is a pain that runs so very deep and having my ovaries removed opens that wound up...a wound I have tried so desperately to close up and allow to heal.

My new treatment plan will consist of two new drugs I will write more about later.  They are extremely expensive so I have to wait to start them until I receive insurance authorization and I don't know when that will be.  I will take an oral pill daily for 3 weeks and then have 1 week off, then repeat.  The other drug is an intramuscular injection that I will receive in the good ole' tush.  I will receive it every 2 weeks for the first 3 rounds and then every 4 weeks after that.

There are side effects of these new drugs that are highly likely, including a significant decline in my blood counts which will place me at high risk for infections as well as cause fatigue.  There are many other possibilities but these are the most likely.  I will have blood work completed every 2 weeks to make sure my counts stay in a range that is safe enough to receive the treatment.  

So this is where we are, friends.  
This is the plan until this disease starts crawling back up from the darkness and threatening to rock our world once again.  But, with each attack it wages, I will beat it back down and chase it right back into the shadows...running it out of the sunshine where I choose to live my life.

Please keep me in your prayers.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and down right now, which is not a place I like to be.  Please keep Mike and my family in your prayers.  Spefically, please pray for wisdom for our medical team to help us to make the right choices for my care; for strength to endure whatever may come our way; and for faith and perserverance while remembering that we are in God's hands and are loved and cared for every step of the way. 

I promise to write more soon and keep you all updated.
Thank you for always being the most incredible support system anyone could every ask for.  It is appreciated more than you will ever know! 

xoxo,
Meg

Have you ever had one of those out of body moments where you feel like you are floating above your physical self and somehow watching what is unfolding rather than truly experiencing it?  That's how I felt on New Year's Eve during my first radiation treatment.  It was almost exactly three years ago that I first laid on that radiation table.  I have said this before but it's true in this circumstance as well...some days it seems like yesterday that I was diagnosed and first went through radiation, and other days it feels like a lifetime ago.  As I laid on my back in that lovely hospital gown and looked up into the bright flourescent lights, reality struck me and I almost couldn't believe I was there.  It hasn't necessarily been smooth sailing, but all in all, I have been doing amazingly well throughout the past three years since I last had radiation.  And although I had a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong, it still takes me by surprise sometimes that I am in the thick of things again..waging a full out battle against this disease.    

Once again, I have nothing but the best things to say about the amazing Karmanos Cancer Institute where I am treated.  My radiation oncologist, Dr. M has made me feel very confident in this process and I am grateful for that.  Originally Dr. M stated that he really wanted to do a special targeted high dose radiation called Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy - also known as Cyberknife or Gamma Knife treatment.  You can read more about it here but basically it would be a higer dose radiation that only requires 3 treatments and has less side effects.  We did the entire simulation for this which required a custom molded cast of sorts of my body which would ensure I wouldn't move during radiation, as well as a bar across my abdomen so that I couldn't take a deep breath which would cause too much internal movement.  I had the tattooing done as well so I could be lined up perfectly on the radiation table.  During the simulation they also do a few CT scans to determine exactly what the radiation field will be that will receive treatment.  

Unfortunately, the night before I started radiation, Dr. M called me to say that once he completed the planning after the simulation, he realized that too much of my spinal cord would be within the radiation field.  The spinal cord is able to take some radiation, but not at the intensity that the Cyberknife would be.  So I have been receiving more tradiational radiation treatment like I did to my chest 3 years ago but thankfully, I only need 10 treatments.  I head to radiation each morning before work or on my way home from work and truthfully, it's a super easy and straightforward treatment.  It's pretty similiar to what I wrote in my previous post 3 years ago about radiation so if you want to read more details about the entire process, check that out here.

I have completed 7 treatments so far and I am so happy to report that I am definitely feeling relief.  My hip is feeling much better and although I am not painfree, the difference is truly noticeable and has restored my ability to sleep and relax comfortably while sitting.  I am barely taking any medicine for pain and my overall quality of life is significantly improved.  So cheers to that!!! 

Thank you for the continued support.  The calls, texts, flowers, blog comments...it all means so much to me.  

Hope 2015 brings continued happiness and good health for us all! 
xoxo, 
Meghan

Here I am!  Did you think I forgot about you?

Truth is, life has been very good - very normal - very busy since I last wrote this past summer.  I have been working full time in the PT clinic, running my photography business (which was super busy all summer and fall, thankfully!), traveling, spending time with family and friends - and just living my normal life.  Of course, this also consisted of my daily meds, monthly injections and visits with Dr. F every 12 weeks.  

There has been so much I have wanted to update the blog about but each time I had some down time, it just didn't feel like what I wanted to spend my time doing.  I never wanted to feel obligated to keep the blog going.  I wanted it to feel right - to feel like something I wanted to do - needed to do.  Not only for all of you, but mostly for myself.  It got to the point where there were so many things I wanted to share (like all of the amazing things we accomplished for MBC at the Komen Race for the Cure, my opportunity to speak and share my story at a few different events, and the once in a lifetime experience I was able to have in Hawaii!) that it became overwhelming and it felt like I was so behind, that I just took a break for awhile.  Fully intending to get back to it when it felt right.  

Well, I guess that time has come.  I will eventually catch you all up to speed about all of the things on my mental "blog to-write" list but for now I want to just fill everyone in on the most recent state of my health.  

I have always dealt with on and off back pain and muscle spasms since my diagnosis.  But on October 25th, I started experiencing severe left hip pain.  I was practicing yoga 3-4 times each week but couldn't think of any specific injury or cause for the pain.  However, I have often thought I had a micro tear in the labrum of my hip, so I thought that I probably further tore it and that would explain the pain I felt with flexing my hip.  Thankfully, my co-worker would work on it a little at work for me and it got a bit better so that I could at least tolerate a few minutes of sitting without being in near tears.

As my trip to Hawaii drew near, I started getting nervous for the long flight and decided to see an orthopedic surgeon to have my hip checked out.  He did an x-ray which turned out fine and then ordered an MRI which unfortunately couldn't be done until the day I came home from Hawaii.  To make a long story short, after lots of drama trying to get this MRI done, it turned out that the hip MRI was fine. No labral tear - no reason for the pain I was experiencing.  He ordered a lumbar spine MRI but at that point I was getting pretty nervous that it might not be orthopedic in nature and decided I would rather go through my oncologist for further testing.  

The day after Thanksgiving, I experienced the worst pain I have ever felt in my life as my back went into full spasms and I felt like my bones were being crushed.  I was in agony and tears for nearly 24 hours and poor Mike was terrified.  At that point, I started getting nervous something serious was going on but also thought maybe I just over did it on Thanksgiving, which we hosted at our house.  

The following Monday, I had my usual scans and received the results later that week.  Dr. F informed us that everything looked stable and he thought we should stay on my current treatment plan.  Although this was good news, I didn't feel right about it.  And once I read the scan reports, I felt even worse as I questioned a few things that were noted that I didn't think were there in previous scans, although I know that Dr. F always says that these reports can fluctuate greatly in the amount of detail that is provided depending on which radiologist reads my scans.  It was the first time that I didn't feel happy to hear what was supposed to be good news.  I was prepared for bad news based on how I was feeling and because I was still having a lot of pain, it was hard to feel the normal relief I get when I hear good news from Dr. F.

Dr. F ordered a lumbar spine MRI to further investiage the cause of my pain.  I figured that I must have a herniated disc since the other scans were good and I was hoping that's what the MRI would show.  Unfortunately, last week I received the news that there is a new tumor that has grown out from my T12 vertebra in my spine and this tumor is causing compression on my spinal nerves, which is likely responsible for the pain that is radiating to my hip.  

This means that my current treatment is no longer working and we need to change the course.  Dr. F has switched me from Tamoxifen to Arimidex and decided that I would also benefit from radiation to my spine.  I saw the radiation oncologist, Dr. M on Tuesday and will fill you all in on the radiation plan in my next post.  

Of course the news of my first progression is difficult and something I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with for years to come.  But unfortunately, this is the reality of living with metastatic breast cancer.  The cancer starts to outsmart the treatment, the disease progresses, and the patient has to move on to a new drug - until there are now new treatments to try.  I am grateful for the 3 stable years I had on Tamoxifen, and for the great quality of life I experienced.  Aside from joint aches, hot flashes, night sweats, and fatigue, I felt really great on this treatment.  I am praying to feel just as good on Arimidex and that it helps me get right back into a stable state with no active disease. 

I have started my new drug and will begin radiation next week.  I would love some extra thoughts and prayers if you can spare them.  Specifically, that radiation is able to completely zap this new tumor out of my body, that the new drug stops the cancer from further growing, and that I get some relief from my hip pain soon.  I am unable to sit or lay down without pain and it's made it very hard for me to get through the day and to get any rest at night.  

I am handling this news in stride and deep down I think I was prepared for it.  I knew something was going on in my body and I believe God prepared me and gave me some peace about what was to come.  I am feeling confident in my new treatment plan, in my incredible doctors, and that God will continue to watch over me and let me hang out for awhile longer because there is so much I still want to accomplish in this life.  

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!  Thank you for checking the blog and thinking of me.  I appreciate at all of the love and support so very much.  

I'll update more soon (I promise!) about radiation and where we go from here. 
love,
Meghan 

That's right, folks....the breakfast menu for tomorrow morning is a whopping serving size of barium sulfate!  Woohoo!  Just how everyone wants to start off their Monday morning, right?  

In case you aren't following my late night, exhausted attempt at humor...this means I am getting my next round of scans done first thing at the morning tomorrow.  I will head to the hospital with Mike around 7:30am and we will likely be there until mid-afternoon getting a few different tests and bloodwork done.  Downside - it's a long and exhausting day.   Upside - Mike took the day off to go with me so at least I get an entire day with him by my side.  We have both been so ridiculously busy lately that I am really looking forward to spending the day together, even if it means sitting in the lovely Nuclear Medicine Department all morning.  

If you have some prayers, good mojo or healing thoughts you could send my way, I would sincerely appreciate it!  It truly does ease the "scanxiety" knowing you are all cheering me on and sending positive thoughts into the atmosphere.

I have lots of updates it seems, especially about all of the hard work I have been doing to promote MBC and young survivors at the Komen Detroit Race for the Cure this year!  It is late and I have to get to bed, but I promise to update soon.  If I don't get a chance this week since it's going to be a nutty one again, please at least spread the word to anyone who is local, to please register for the Komen Detroit Race for the Cure this year and come see what we have been doing - especially for those women who are metastatic.  Here is a little sneak peek at one of the great things we have in store for race participants.   

http://www.karmanoscancer.org/KomenDetroit/SubPage.aspx?id=2147485238  

Please join us next Saturday at Chene Park in Detroit or make a donation to "Team Malley Rally" here.   

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.  Won't see Dr. F until a week from Thursday for my results.  Waiting is soooo....fun.  (insert sarcasm here)

xoxo, Meghan

And because I can't possibly have a post without sharing some pics...here are some quick iphone shots of the fun we had together on Mother's Day while cheering on the Tigers!

Yesterday, I was introduced to NED!  "No evidence of disease"!!!!   

I saw Dr. F for my results of my latest round of scans and immediately burst into tears when they told us that the scans looked great and that I was still boring just like 6 months ago.  :)  But, what shocked me even more was the fact that the bone scan said there was no evidence of metastatic disease in my bones!  Well, hello there NED!!!!  

Now, let me please explain that Dr. F doesn't put a whole lot of stock in those words. He said he doesn't get "overly excited or impressed" and that these scanning machines are not perfect.  He says it's much like looking down from an airplane and trying to see a dandelion in a field.  It's near impossible to spot just one but if there are a lot of them in a big patch, you can see them easily.  So, he basically means I still could have little isolated cancer cells in my body but right now there isn't enough of them to be detected on the scans.  I have always understood this and I am okay with that.  I understand that sometimes people hang their hats on "NED" and then they have a scan a few months later that shows a change and they have a huge let down after feeling like they were as close to "cancer free" as possible. 

I truly understand that and I have always been happy to hear that I am "stable"...but for right now...for just a few days (or months)...I am going to be extremely thrilled that I am hanging out with NED!  I know it doesn't mean I am cancer free or that I am cured.  It means that right now my medicine continues to work and keep me in remission.  It means that I can continue with my current treatment.  It means that my bones, although still damaged, are healing.  And most importantly, it means that I can continue having a really amazing quality of life.  The few side effects I experience from my meds (hot flashes, fatigue, joint aches) are so minimal in the scheme of things and I don't let a day go by where I am not grateful for that. 

There are still little things we will keep an eye on.  My platelets are on the low side and I have been having a lot of issues with bruising.  If those continue to drop, I will have to have a bone marrow biopsy to see if my meds are impacting my body's platelet production. There are a few other minor issues I have been having but nothing big and nothing that Dr. F is really worried about.  

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU  for all of your support, love and prayers!  I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more grateful.  I do believe in the power of prayer - I believe in God's ability to work miracles and I am not giving up the faith that maybe there is one in store for me.  It has taken me this long to truly be able to even put those words out in the universe, but maybe - just maybe, I could live a long, healthy life in complete remission without this awful beast robbing me of my future.  

For now, I am believing that this can happen for me and I will continue to fall asleep each night with a smile on my face...dreaming of NED.  ;) 

With a grateful and overjoyed heart, 
Meg xoxo

New favorite word #1.....STABLE!  The scan results are in and everything looks good!  Stable...no evidence of active disease...nothing new...continued healing of the affected spots throughout my spine.   Can I get an "AMEN!".....Woohooooo!!!!!!! 

Second favorite word..."Boring".  That's what Dr. F called me today and I take that as the biggest compliment I have received in a long time.  I have yearned to be "boring" - medically speaking, anyways.  Although Dr. F doesn't get all excited and enthusiastic, he did express his satisfaction with these results and said we will just keep the course since it seems to be working well and keeping my disease dormant...and that's what we are hoping and praying for, for a long long time!  

No other real news to report - I will continue with my two injections into my abdomen every 4 weeks, follow up with Dr. F every 8 weeks and continue to be scanned every 6 months.  

I wish there were better words for me to use to truly convey my appreciation and gratitude to all of you for your love, support and prayers...but really there is nothing else I can say except for a HUUUUGGGEEEE, "THANK YOU!"  Thank you so very much for everything.  Truly.  You have no idea how much comfort and hope it brings me to know so many people are thinking of us, praying for us, and supporting us.  It really does make a huge impact on Mike and I, and I hope you all know how immensely grateful we are.  

What an incredible start to 2013!  If these results are any indication of what this year has in store for us, I think it's going to be an amazing year.  Happy New Year to all of you and I wish you all nothing but health and happiness in 2013! 
xoxo, Meg    

I'm having a tough time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  I don't know why or what that's about.  I think I just feel tired.  I keep waiting for the day that the fatigue is gone, but it just seems like I will never feel the way I once did.  Maybe I just need to come to terms with that, huh?  Everyone keeps reminding me that it's normal to feel this way and that my body has been through so much - and I know all of that - it's just frustrating at times.  Dr. F says that for every round of chemo you have, you can expect 1-2 months of fatigue....so, 15 rounds of chemo x 2 months of fatigue/round = 30 months!  2 1/2 years of lingering fatigue - sheesh!  I know things could be worse and I don't mean to complain, there are just times where feeling this way starts to bum me out.  It has been very hard to come to the realization that I just can't do things like I could before.  It has hard to realize that putting in just a 6 hour work day can leave me feeling totally drained.  It makes me wonder, if we were somehow able to have children one day - would I truly be able to care for them the way a good parent should?  It breaks my heart a little bit to think the answer to that question might be "no".  

When the fatigue really sets in, he seems to bring along it's good friend "Ms. Extra Emotional".  I am just feeling a little bit more emotional and anxious than normal, but I am sure that also has something to do with the stress of the holidays and the fact that my scans are coming up next week.  It seems like I am feeling more nervous about my scans this time, but I am sure I have felt like this before every other round of scans too.  I feel a little scared that if they don't come out good, I will blame myself and beat myself up for it.  I have felt so tired lately that I haven't been working out and I haven't been cooking and juicing as often as I usually do.  I have still been eating pretty healthy, but we have definitely been indulging in some treats over here.  I am well versed on how diet and exercise can affect my disease, and although I don't obsess over it, I have been beating myself up about it lately.  I don't want to put blame on myself if my disease does end up progressing, but right now, I am worried I might feel that way.  

There seems to be some misconceptions out there about what life is like once you are diagnosed with cancer - and I admit, before I was in this position, I was guilty of believing many of them.  Like you have maybe a rough year or two and then your treatment is over and life is just exactly how it was before.  Story over.  Happily ever after.  Period.  Well, even though I have been blessed with good scans and haven't required changes in my treatment plan, life just isn't ever the same.  There are always hurdles (big and small) that no one can prepare you for.  I am guilty of thinking my friend, Meredith (who also lives with cancer) must have always been doing so great because "she looks wonderful in her pictures on Facebook".  Ugh.  How many times do we hear, "but you look so great" even though we might not really feel that way.  Yes, I am thankful that I don't look exhausted or look like I have a throbbing back ache but that doesn't mean that those things aren't happening.  We just don't post pictures on the days were we might look and feel pretty rough.  

I guess that's why this transition has been so difficult for me.  Although I knew this wasn't going to be one battle, but rather a very long and continuous war - I must have still thought that once the initial blast of chemo/surgery/radiation was over, that I would feel perfect again.  I didn't expect to battle this much fatigue for so long.  I thought I would be able to work more by now.  I thought I would be able to clean my house, run errands, and cook dinner without my back throbbing by the end of the day.  I thought I could go back to getting 7 hours of sleep and that I would wake up feeling rested - rather than experiencing burning eyes, body aches and exhaustion from the moment my alarm goes off.  

I am hard on myself.  I admit it.  But that's just who I am.  I have always held myself to high standards and have been able to accomplish anything I want - and this is a tough pill to swallow to not have any control over how this fatigue continues to plague me.  Does it completely limit me and diminish my quality of life - no, definitely not.  I continue to be busy and fill up my social calendar like crazy because I refuse to just lay down and hibernate.  But, it's frustrating nonetheless.  

I know I have said this many times, but I am truly BEYOND thankful for Mike.  The bottom line is that I couldn't do this without him.  When my back hurts, he massages it.  When I am exhausted, he grocery shops, cleans the house, does the laundry, cooks dinner.  When I am beating myself up emotionally, he reminds me to be gentle with my broken heart and spirit.  He is everything to me.  

I also want to give a little extra thanks to a few of my amazing friends.  You know who you are -- the ones that shoot me a quick text to see how things are going or to say they are praying for me, the ones that make the effort to make plans so we can spend time together, the ones that let me talk their ears off on the phone or when we get together - even if it's about sad things like this damn disease.  I truly feel so blessed to have such amazing, inspiring, and thoughtful friends in my life.  

Please keep my family and I in your prayers this next week as I head in for my scans on Wednesday morning.  It will no doubt be a bit stressful, but I pray that we are learning to navigate these waters with a little less anxiety and fear than we have in the past.  I won't get my results until January 3rd.  I could have tried to get them earlier before Dr. F goes on vacation, but I wanted to enjoy the holidays without the fear of bad news.  So, please pray that we are too overcome with the holiday spirit and joy of being surrounded by family and friends to worry about these results. 

Thank you for your continued love and support. 
xoxo, Meghan 

Addendum 12/14/12 - After going back and reading this post, I just want to add that I do feel very good most of the time.  And, I don't mean to complain.  It just so happens that I usually feel the urge to blog when I am a little bit emotional.  It always helps to release my feelings and emotions this way but I hate to sound like I am complaining so much.  I am grateful that I feel as good as I do and that I have a great quality of life - despite the annoyance of the fatigue.  Thank you for understanding and bearing with me as I try to relay the realities of what my life is really like, while also expressing my gratitude for the many blessings that I know I have.  

I knew the fall would be busy, but boy is it giving me a good run for my money.  We have had a lot going on over here at the Malley household but there are no complaints here.  We are just busy living our hectic lives that we enjoyed before cancer barged in.  The fall photography season continues to be booming and I am so grateful that within my first year of becoming an official business, I couldn't be busier!  I apologize to my friends whom I haven't been able to spend as much time with lately, but starting this business is really a passion of mine and I am so grateful for the chance to do it -and to feel well enough to do it!  A huge thank you to all of the clients that have trusted in me, while I continue to learn and grow.  You can check out my most recent work here on Facebook or on my blog. 

I am also gearing up to add more hours at The Recovery Project, and I am really looking forward to that.  I am so blessed to love my job as a physical therapist and to work at a place that is so completely supportive in every way.  I was really worried about returning to work earlier this summer.  I was worried if it would totally exhaust me - which it did in the beginning.  Would it cause my back to hurt?  Would I feel like my physical limitations hindered me as a therapist?  Would I remember everything I worked so hard to learn for 7 1/2 years of college?  ....The great news is that although I may need to brush up on some skills that I haven't used in awhile, it feels really good to be serving my patients again.  I love interacting with my patients and co-workers (who are awesome, I might add!) and it feels even better to be using that good ole' left brain again.  :)  I am beyond grateful to be feeling well enough to be able to increase my hours again next month (once I am all healed up from surgery), and grateful to have employers that allow me to make this transition at my own pace.     

There always seems to be so much I want to catch you all up on but lately the thought of that alone, makes me feel tired which then deters me from updating the blog at all.  I promise I will eventually get around to sharing some pretty big things that have happened recently, such as my dinner with Nancy Brinker and my trip to Chicago for the Metastatic Breast Cancer Network National Conference.  

Another wonderful event that recently took place was the 18th Annual Barbara Ann Karmanos Cancer Institute Heroes of Breast Cancer Awards.  I have been treated at Karmanos ever since I was diagnosed and I have nothing but exceptional things to say about everyone I have worked with there.  It is truly an incredible place and I am so thankful that I can receive the highest level of care so close to home.  I was completely blown away a few months ago when I received a phone call notifying me that I was being honored with the Community Service Award at this years Heroes of Breast Cancer Awards.  It was so unexpected and so meaningful to me on so many levels - but mostly because I have always said that although I would never wish this disease upon anyone, if I can at least turn it into something positive, then it's not for nothing.  Then all the pain and heartache are at least worth it in some way to help a greater good.  Although I never set out to be recognized in any way, I am extremely humbled that I was.  

Karmanos hosted a beautiful evening at the Max M. Fisher Music Center in Detroit on October 30 and I was able to invite my family to attend along with me.  There were over 200 people in attendance (including my oncologist and the oncology social worker that I started our support group with) and it couldn't have been a nicer evening.  There were ten awards given that evening to various people and organizations and I was so surprised to even be among them.  It was a night filled with smiles and meeting new people, feeling hopeful about the incredible research that Dr. Lum is doing with metastatic breast cancer that earned him the Scientific Distinction Award, but also a night with moments of sorrow and tears as a strong and heartbroken mother accepted an award on her daughter's behalf after she passed away earlier this year from this disease.  

What touched me the most about the entire evening was an anonymous quote from a member of the support group I helped create at Karmanos.  I was holding it together pretty well as they were introducing me but after that quote was read, I struggled to maintain my composure as I walked on the stage to give my acceptance speech.  It was her words that meant the most because the women in my support group truly mean the world to me.  I like to think that creating that group has helped, and will continue to help many women that travel this road, but truly it was a selfish endeavor as well - because every time I meet with them, I feel better.  I feel more hopeful.  I feel uplifted.  I feel grateful, and happy, and blessed.  And most importantly, I never feel alone.  As I said in my speech that night, I am so humbled to have received this award, since it truly belongs to all of the young women in our group that have given so much back to me - and for them, I am eternally grateful.   

You can read more about all of the Heroes of Breast Cancer here.

Surgery is in 11 days!  I'm getting a little nervous but trusting that all will go well.  Thanks for keeping me in your prayers. 
xoxo, Meg