I had a week to think about this latest news, to read the MRI reports and luckily have an impromptu appointment with my radiation oncologist last Thursday when I ran into him at Karmanos while there for blood work and an injection; all before meeting with Dr. F on Thursday morning.
The MRI report and meeting with my radiation oncologist revealed cancerous activity at more than one place in my spine and also elaborated on some of the damage that has remained there for the last few years due to cancer, radiation and other side effects. The good news is that over the last two weeks, the pain in my back has subsided substantially. So while my radiation oncologist said we can definitely radiate this area (even though part of it has already been radiated once), he would suggest waiting to play that card until I absolutely have to. And I agreed. Radiation to the spine carries a great deal of side effects, not only potential damage to the spinal cord, but also damage to surrounding structures. The last bout of radiation I had to my spine left me feeling like I was swallowing glass and resulted in dropping too much weight in a few short days from my inability to eat or drink. My radiation oncologist, Dr. M, assured me I can call him any day, at any time, if my pain returns and I need to get in for radiation. He is simply the best and I am so grateful to have him on my team...and grateful I don't need his care again quite yet!
Mom and I headed to my appointment Thursday morning, where we came with a handful of questions, but also a lot of faith in Dr. F and his opinion. Dr. F shared that there are plenty of arguments to support changing my treatment at this point, but just as many to support watching and waiting. These are some of the main points of our pretty long discussion together:
When the study was published in 2016 about the combination of drugs I am currently on, it was hailed as a huge success because the "progression-free survival" rate was 9.5 months. I have been on this treatment for 22 months now so I am extremely grateful for that! And if I can squeak out some more mileage on it, all the better!
On another note, I will be meeting with the Phase 1 Clinical Trial doctor at Karmanos in a couple of weeks to see what trials they have. It is a scary thought for me because the phrase "clinical trial" has also felt like the words "palliative" or "hospice"....words you hear when things are extremely dire and there aren't many options left. But luckily, Dr. F explained it to us in a way that made a lot of sense and didn't feel nearly as terrifying.
Aside from meeting with the clinical trial doc, Dr. F is going to watch me a little closer for now. I will still have blood work every couple of weeks, injections every 4 weeks, see him every 8 weeks and get scanned again in 3 months instead of 6.
I feel in my gut this is the right plan for me at this particular time. I feel good about it - as does Mike, mom and my doctors. So we wait...and we watch...and pray that the pain doesn't return and that these rogue cells chill out and hibernate for a good long while.
In the meantime, my blood counts have plummeted once again (never seems to be any rhyme or reason), so I wasn't able to restart my treatment on Thursday. It does explain some of the additional fatigue I have been feeling lately. I will have repeat labs done next Thursday and hopefully restart then.
I think that about sums it up.
Thanks for all the love and prayers!
There is no doubt about the fact that cancer is one sneaky beast. Lurking in the darkness. Slowly creeping up through the shadows and rearing it's ugly head at any time.
I have always known this. I have lived this while watching relatives and friends face the disease before I did. But it is another thing altogether when cancer sinks its fangs into you.
I have been neglecting the blog so much over the last couple of years because truthfully, all has been relatively stable for me since my recurrence at the end of 2014. Life has been full and busy - just like I have always liked it. Work, photography, travel, family, pups, friends, cooking...fitting as much into each day as possible. This summer I was feeling the best I have in years. One of my bff's and I devoted ourselves to a morning bootcamp class before work and I faithfully attended for about 12 weeks. It felt so good to finally feel more like myself - energized, strong, and comfortable in my own skin. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly that can all change.
On September 15th I awoke around 2am to excruciating back pain...the kind that is impossible to describe unless you have experienced bone pain from cancer. I have felt this before and know it all too well. I felt like my back was going to shatter in a million tiny pieces. I woke Mike up and asked him to please try to rub my back in the hopes of some relief. To make a long story short, after suffering through the work day and barely getting through it, I ended up in the ER that night. This started a cascade of events which have led to where we are today. At the risk of skipping some details, but saving some energy, here is the "highlight reel".... ;)
-Completed bone scans, CT scans and spine MRI's the last week of September
-Learned on Sept 29th that I had progression in my spine at multiple levels which also caused my T8 vertebrae to be fractured
-Underwent high dose radiation treatments to my spine every day before work for two weeks which concluded on October 14th
-After initially only feeling some fatigue and slight nausea, I encountered severe side effects the week after radiation ended. My esophagus was an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of radiation and the damage was unexpected and extremely painful. It was not a sore throat due to the radiation burn that you would expect. It was more like trying to swallow glass through a tube that had narrowed down so tight that even water caused ridiculous pain and coughing. It become so bad that I avoided food and liquid altogether; resutling in a 8 pound weight loss over 4 days, along with severe exhaustion and overall feeling like crap.
-Could finally start eating towards the middle/end of last week and have been feeling MUCH better!
So, that brings us to today. I went in this morning for a follow up with Dr. F, my oncologist. It is too exhausting to detail right now but basically, I thought he wanted to stay the course on my current treatment because it has been keeping the rest of my body free from disease and limiting the disease to my spine. I was taken by surprise this morning when he immediately stated he wants to switch my treatment plan completely to two targeted therapy drugs. I had been feeling in my heart that it was time to switch treatments but I guess I just didn't expect it today and I wasn't prepared. It unleashed a flood of emotions and uncertainties about the future....
What will these side effects be like? Will this change my quality of life? Will I be able to maintain my normal busy schedule? Will I feel nauseous? Fatigued? Lose/gain weight? Will this work and for how long? What if I have another progression soon and blow through yet another treatment option? What if it doesn't keep the disease limited to the bone? What will happen if this fails?
I have been beyond blessed these last 5 1/2 years to maintain a pretty great quality of life despite all I have been through. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to start to head down that road of jumping from one treatment to the next because things have stopped working. I don't want to hear, "there is nothing else we can do for you". I learned tonight that another young friend with MBC was just told those exact words yesterday. She has entered hospice and it's just heartbreaking.
The other tough part of today was making the decision to finally have my ovaries removed. My disease is fed by estrogen so my ovarian function has been medically suppresed since I was first diagnosed...first through chemo and immediately following through that lovely shot of Zoladex I receive every single month. Dr. F has always said that there is no real difference between the Zoladex and having my ovaries surgically removed. I told him to tell me point blank if it would better my chances for survival to have them removed and he said the research can't prove that. So, we decided to stay on Zoladex and not rock the boat by having surgery.
Well, today he finally said, "If it was me, I would have them out." That's all I needed to hear. I know it will be a pretty straightforward laproscopic procedure, and I am not worried about the surgery itself at all. But it just feels like another huge punch in the gut. Another glaring reminder of all that cancer has robbed from me. I feel like I have been dismantled piece by piece of all that makes me a woman - the loss of my hair, my eyelashes, my breasts, my ovaries, my ability to bear children. It is a pain that runs so very deep and having my ovaries removed opens that wound up...a wound I have tried so desperately to close up and allow to heal.
My new treatment plan will consist of two new drugs I will write more about later. They are extremely expensive so I have to wait to start them until I receive insurance authorization and I don't know when that will be. I will take an oral pill daily for 3 weeks and then have 1 week off, then repeat. The other drug is an intramuscular injection that I will receive in the good ole' tush. I will receive it every 2 weeks for the first 3 rounds and then every 4 weeks after that.
There are side effects of these new drugs that are highly likely, including a significant decline in my blood counts which will place me at high risk for infections as well as cause fatigue. There are many other possibilities but these are the most likely. I will have blood work completed every 2 weeks to make sure my counts stay in a range that is safe enough to receive the treatment.
So this is where we are, friends.
This is the plan until this disease starts crawling back up from the darkness and threatening to rock our world once again. But, with each attack it wages, I will beat it back down and chase it right back into the shadows...running it out of the sunshine where I choose to live my life.
Please keep me in your prayers. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and down right now, which is not a place I like to be. Please keep Mike and my family in your prayers. Spefically, please pray for wisdom for our medical team to help us to make the right choices for my care; for strength to endure whatever may come our way; and for faith and perserverance while remembering that we are in God's hands and are loved and cared for every step of the way.
I promise to write more soon and keep you all updated.
Thank you for always being the most incredible support system anyone could every ask for. It is appreciated more than you will ever know!
Here I am! Did you think I forgot about you?
A little sneak peek of our adventure in Maui....
A new addition to our family! Meet Gracie!
On Tuesday I had my radiation simulation, including another awesome tattoo...
That's right, folks....the breakfast menu for tomorrow morning is a whopping serving size of barium sulfate! Woohoo! Just how everyone wants to start off their Monday morning, right?
In case you aren't following my late night, exhausted attempt at humor...this means I am getting my next round of scans done first thing at the morning tomorrow. I will head to the hospital with Mike around 7:30am and we will likely be there until mid-afternoon getting a few different tests and bloodwork done. Downside - it's a long and exhausting day. Upside - Mike took the day off to go with me so at least I get an entire day with him by my side. We have both been so ridiculously busy lately that I am really looking forward to spending the day together, even if it means sitting in the lovely Nuclear Medicine Department all morning.
If you have some prayers, good mojo or healing thoughts you could send my way, I would sincerely appreciate it! It truly does ease the "scanxiety" knowing you are all cheering me on and sending positive thoughts into the atmosphere.
I have lots of updates it seems, especially about all of the hard work I have been doing to promote MBC and young survivors at the Komen Detroit Race for the Cure this year! It is late and I have to get to bed, but I promise to update soon. If I don't get a chance this week since it's going to be a nutty one again, please at least spread the word to anyone who is local, to please register for the Komen Detroit Race for the Cure this year and come see what we have been doing - especially for those women who are metastatic. Here is a little sneak peek at one of the great things we have in store for race participants.
Please join us next Saturday at Chene Park in Detroit or make a donation to "Team Malley Rally" here.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. Won't see Dr. F until a week from Thursday for my results. Waiting is soooo....fun. (insert sarcasm here)
And because I can't possibly have a post without sharing some pics...here are some quick iphone shots of the fun we had together on Mother's Day while cheering on the Tigers!
What a beautiful Easter Sunday it was today!
I think it might finally be safe to say that spring has officially arrived. Thank goodness for that. When the sun is shining and I can feel the warmth on my face, it immediately boosts my spirits.
As I sat in church this morning and celebrated this holy day, I also couldn't help but reflect on how grateful I was to even be there. Three years ago, I laid in bed for days - including Easter Sunday because of how awful I felt after my very first round of chemotherapy. Sometimes it seems like yesterday - and other times it seems like another lifetime.
Last month I celebrated my 32nd birthday and two days later, I celebrated my 3rd cancerversary. It's always a very emotional time for me - full of reflection, gratitude and heartache. I can't believe all I have endured - physically & emotionally - and although it's rare for me to ever give myself a pat on the back, I will say that I am so proud of myself for all I have been able to get through. Some days are harder than others - but I have managed to get through each and every one of them. Here is what I shared on facebook on March 23rd.
"Three years ago today, my world was changed forever after receiving news of what felt like a death sentence. These past few years haven't been easy but I can truly say that I have experienced more joy and happiness than I ever thought would be possible again. I've learned to never give up hope and to make a difference with my life. "Life is too short" sounds like a cliche until circumstances force you to realize how true it really is. So make it count!
Thank you to my incredible family & friends for being there for me every step of the way. And to my amazing husband, Mike...thank you for never leaving my side- through the good and the bad. I couldn't do this without you and I thank God for you every day.
Thank you so much for all of the birthday love! I am truly grateful to be celebrating another year and growing older...a privilege denied to many."
The day before my birthday, I also had an appointment with Dr. F. We discussed a lot of different things, primarily related to a few different side effects I have been experiencing from my treatments. Nothing major - but of course it ended up in scheduling something like 10 appointments in the next 12 weeks. Ugh! I have had some drama since with a hematologist regarding my platelet count, but I'll fill you all in on that another time.
We also ended up scheduling my next round of scans, which will be Monday, June 2. I will then get my results on Thursday, June 12. So, start firing up those prayers. :)
I have lots of other updates including great improvements I am helping make at the Detroit Race for the Cure this year to recognize women with metastatic breast cancer and young women facing breast cancer, information about this year's Ride for the Cure, as well as information I am hoping to share after attending the Living Beyond Breast Cancer's Annual Conference for Women Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer which will take place next weekend in Philadelphia.
I will definitely try to update more soon. For now, thank you so much for your constant love, support and prayers. I am truly grateful and blessed to never walk this road alone.
How is it that time just passes in the blink of an eye? All of a sudden, here we are at the end of another year. It never ceases to amaze me at how fast life continues to roll on - no matter what we are dealing with. I suppose that is a good thing in many ways. It helps drag us along during those tough times, until finally we can feel the weight start to lift and the sun shine on better days.
As I sit here reflecting on this year, I feel such a mix of emotions and thoughts - all of which culminate to one overriding message. Perseverance.
The year has been filled with many up's and down's - which is true for all of us - although especially lately, it seems like the lows have been more frequent and deeper to crawl out of. We have had many blessings including a new home, continued good scans, and countless great memories with family and friends. But, this year has also brought many challenges for us emotionally which have tested our faith and trust in the greater plan that God has for us.
The past few months have been the most challenging for me emotionally since my initial diagnosis. Due to a variety of issues, I hit a new low and struggled to even find the joy in each day. For the first time, I truly wondered if I was being punished for something. I felt an overwhelming sense that we were continually knocked down and made to endure heartache after heartache, while it seemed like others around us, received abundant blessings and joy. It is a very dark and lonely place to be.
As I have worked through these times, I have simply resigned myself to the fact that our lives will forever be filled with pain and heartache. Living with this disease has impacted our lives in countless ways, many of which I am just now starting to fully understand and experience. The continued physical toll is heavy, but the emotional toll is often times unbearable. I have recently felt as though this can turn you into a pretty selfish person - focusing on how hard you have it - how sad you may feel - how your future will never look like what you always thought it would. I fell down a slippery slope of sadness and guilt and failed to see how I was pulling Mike down right along with me.
The one positive aspect of hitting your own personal rock bottom, is that you have no choice but to go up. To make the slow climb out of the darkness and back into the light. It allows you to take time to reflect, to evaluate, and to reset your life's compass back on the path that you would most like to travel.
I share these personal struggles not only as a cathartic tool, but to also help remind myself that it is okay if I am not able to feel grateful, positive and optimistic 100% of the time. I have struggled with guilt and feeling like a fraud when I experience these tough times because so many of you always think of me as being so happy and positive. I am trying to release myself of these chains that bind me to the sense that because I am alive, I must be grateful at all costs - because I have lost friends that would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I am learning that because I have been able to stay in remission, doesn't mean the collateral damage of this disease will leave me - and that it's okay and perfectly human to have moments of despair, sadness and even self pity. Yes, I am so grateful - for so much - but this life is also very difficult at times - more difficult than I would have ever imagined.
Life is about perseverance. It is about riding the waves of the good times, but being able to pick yourself back up when you get knocked down with your face in the sand. It's learning how to brush yourself off and get back out there to try to ride that wave of happiness once again. Because in the end, those moments of pure joy are worth every second of despair and defeat that may be encountered along the way.
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Seems like I have sand and surf on the brain, huh? :) Well, that's because Mike and I are leaving for California the day after Christmas. To say that I am excited, is definitely an understatement. We have wanted to take this trip and venture along the Pacific Coast Highway for years and I am so glad we are taking the time to do it. That is one gift that living with disease can give. It makes you realize that there is no sense putting off your hopes and dreams if you have the ability to make them a reality. Do it today. Do it now. We never know what tomorrow will bring. We need this time away together so badly and I cannot wait to see the ocean, and the Redwoods and watch the sunset with Mike by my side.
Not only will we be celebrating our 6th anniversary on this trip, and New Years Eve, but we will be celebrating another round of great scans! I saw Dr. F last week and found out that everything still looks great! He is very please and so are we - to say the least! I will continue with my current meds and 6 month scans - no need to change course. Thank you all so very much for your prayers and support. Going through those tests is such an anxiety ridden time, and your loving words of hope and encouragement mean so much to us.
Thank you for loving us and supporting us along this journey. We hope you have a wonderful holiday season with your nearest and dearest. We look forward to great things in 2014. See you in the New Year!
Can't wait to share our images from California in the next post. Until then, a few iphone pics of my beautiful friends, family, pup and yard. :)
Yesterday, I was introduced to NED! "No evidence of disease"!!!!
I saw Dr. F for my results of my latest round of scans and immediately burst into tears when they told us that the scans looked great and that I was still boring just like 6 months ago. :) But, what shocked me even more was the fact that the bone scan said there was no evidence of metastatic disease in my bones! Well, hello there NED!!!!
Now, let me please explain that Dr. F doesn't put a whole lot of stock in those words. He said he doesn't get "overly excited or impressed" and that these scanning machines are not perfect. He says it's much like looking down from an airplane and trying to see a dandelion in a field. It's near impossible to spot just one but if there are a lot of them in a big patch, you can see them easily. So, he basically means I still could have little isolated cancer cells in my body but right now there isn't enough of them to be detected on the scans. I have always understood this and I am okay with that. I understand that sometimes people hang their hats on "NED" and then they have a scan a few months later that shows a change and they have a huge let down after feeling like they were as close to "cancer free" as possible.
I truly understand that and I have always been happy to hear that I am "stable"...but for right now...for just a few days (or months)...I am going to be extremely thrilled that I am hanging out with NED! I know it doesn't mean I am cancer free or that I am cured. It means that right now my medicine continues to work and keep me in remission. It means that I can continue with my current treatment. It means that my bones, although still damaged, are healing. And most importantly, it means that I can continue having a really amazing quality of life. The few side effects I experience from my meds (hot flashes, fatigue, joint aches) are so minimal in the scheme of things and I don't let a day go by where I am not grateful for that.
There are still little things we will keep an eye on. My platelets are on the low side and I have been having a lot of issues with bruising. If those continue to drop, I will have to have a bone marrow biopsy to see if my meds are impacting my body's platelet production. There are a few other minor issues I have been having but nothing big and nothing that Dr. F is really worried about.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all of your support, love and prayers! I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more grateful. I do believe in the power of prayer - I believe in God's ability to work miracles and I am not giving up the faith that maybe there is one in store for me. It has taken me this long to truly be able to even put those words out in the universe, but maybe - just maybe, I could live a long, healthy life in complete remission without this awful beast robbing me of my future.
For now, I am believing that this can happen for me and I will continue to fall asleep each night with a smile on my face...dreaming of NED. ;)
With a grateful and overjoyed heart,
This is definitely the longest I have ever gone without updating the blog. I'm sorry for worrying some of you. I started hearing more and more comments like, "I hope everything is okay - you haven't updated your blog in awhile." Rest assured that you can take it as a good thing and it just means that I have been busy living my life and trying my best to not think about cancer...although there isn't a day that goes by that I escape it. The past month or so has been a full one - we celebrated my birthday (and 2nd Cancerversary!!!), Mike started his busy baseball season, photography sessions are picking up, and....we bought a house! Woohooo! We closed on our house the second week in April and we are very excited about it. Mike and his best friend, Justin have already gutted a ton of the house. We have started some major renovations and can't wait to see it all come together. We will continue living at my Mom and Doug's house until most of the remodeling is complete. It is an exciting time for us and we are so grateful to have found a home in our favorite area - where we have more space, less noise, and are surrounded by deer and all sorts of beautiful wildlife....all while being only 20 minutes from my Mom, 10 minutes from the Karmanos satellite I am treated it, and even closer to work. I'll keep you all posted on our renovation process (which has become a part time job!) - you know I will document it all with my trusty camera. :)
I continue to feel pretty good and I couldn't be more grateful for that. My hot flashes have been a real annoyance lately and I have been dealing with sleep disturbances for quite awhile now. I know that insomnia is extremely common with cancer patients and although I don't think I truly have insomnia, I can't remember the last time I have been able to sleep through the night. My back has been feeling good and I am so grateful to be able to work and exercise with minimal pain - although it always does remind me when I start to over do it and need to rest.
I saw my oncologist, Dr. F on my birthday and he was pleased with how I am doing. He agreed with my thoughts that we should just stay the course with my current treatment as long as it's working. I continue on my oral meds as well as my monthly injections into my abdomen. Dr. F even went as far as to say that I don't need to see him for 12 weeks (instead of 8), and that I could even bump my scans back to every 9 months instead of 6! Although I love the idea that I don't need to see him for 12 weeks, I am not quite ready to push the scans back to every 9 months. The thought of that just really scares me right now so we are going to stick with the 6 month schedule. I have friends scanned every 3 months and it's terrifying to me how much has changed with their disease in that short time, so I don't want to go too long between my tests. I am just happy to be doing well enough for him to even suggest that. And to think that I don't have to see him for 12 weeks when there used to be a time that I saw him every single week - it just makes me very happy, relieved and grateful. My next round of scans is scheduled for June 5 and then I will get the results on June 13 when I see Dr. F next. Of course, I always appreciate extra prayers around scan time, so thanks in advance for that. :)
I also want to extend thanks to all of you that offered words of encouragement and prayers for my dear friend, Jeanne' that I wrote about in my last post and for all of my Mets Babes. Little did I know that while I was actually writing that last post, Jeanne' had passed away. I found out the next morning - on my birthday. It was a very difficult time for many of us - to say the least, but I am grateful to know she is in a better place, and finally able to rest her tired body.
I hope everyone is doing well. Thank you for your continued love and support.
ps-Team Meghan Malley Rally is once again participating in the Detroit Race for the Cure. Please come join us on May 18th (even if you don't officially register). More info can be found here... http://www.active.com/donate/detroitRFTC13/2013MMalley
Some quick snapshots of all of our happenings lately....you can also find my "picture a day" challenge over on Instagram - follow me @megmalley to see what I am up to, including more house updates!
Some sneak peeks of the new house projects....
New favorite word #1.....STABLE! The scan results are in and everything looks good! Stable...no evidence of active disease...nothing new...continued healing of the affected spots throughout my spine. Can I get an "AMEN!".....Woohooooo!!!!!!!
Second favorite word..."Boring". That's what Dr. F called me today and I take that as the biggest compliment I have received in a long time. I have yearned to be "boring" - medically speaking, anyways. Although Dr. F doesn't get all excited and enthusiastic, he did express his satisfaction with these results and said we will just keep the course since it seems to be working well and keeping my disease dormant...and that's what we are hoping and praying for, for a long long time!
No other real news to report - I will continue with my two injections into my abdomen every 4 weeks, follow up with Dr. F every 8 weeks and continue to be scanned every 6 months.
I wish there were better words for me to use to truly convey my appreciation and gratitude to all of you for your love, support and prayers...but really there is nothing else I can say except for a HUUUUGGGEEEE, "THANK YOU!" Thank you so very much for everything. Truly. You have no idea how much comfort and hope it brings me to know so many people are thinking of us, praying for us, and supporting us. It really does make a huge impact on Mike and I, and I hope you all know how immensely grateful we are.
What an incredible start to 2013! If these results are any indication of what this year has in store for us, I think it's going to be an amazing year. Happy New Year to all of you and I wish you all nothing but health and happiness in 2013!
I hear you will be coming to town tonight...and maybe even stopping by on my rooftop. I have long understood that your anticipated visit is contingent upon my behavior this year. What's that you ask?....Was I good this year? Did I behave? Have I listened to my mother, done my chores, ate my veggies?
Well, I can assure you that I have most definitely done the latter...I have surely ate well over my weight in kale, cucumbers, and spinach this year. Santa, I promise that I have listened to my momma (most of the time) and to my doctors (all of the time). I have taken my medications, cared for my radiated burned skin, and emptied my surgical drains. I have allowed my body to rest, but I've also pushed it at times when I wanted to feel like my old self again.
This year I have tried to make a difference. I have volunteered my time. I have shared my story. I have spoke to thousands. I have attended conferences and meetings. I have tried to be a source of support for those newly diagnosed.
I have returned to work, albeit on a (very) part time basis. I have started a small business that fuels my creative side. I have invested time, money, and energy into activities that feed my soul. I have traveled, visited friends, and tried to spend as much time as possible with those I love the most.
But Santa, I have to come clean and tell you that I have not been perfect. I must admit, I have fallen off the wagon with my exercise routine. That has really been bothering me and will definitely be a priority for 2013. I have been unsuccessful at giving up my beloved Diet Coke and I'm fearful I may now be considered an "addict". And while we are on the subject of confessions, I will acknowledge to you that I am still a terribly inconsistent flosser.
I have also been hard on myself this year, Santa. I have dealt with a lot of guilt, frustrations, and sadness. I have often felt lost while I try to understand how to live a life where I am not the PT that works the most hours and sees the most patients - where I am not a mother, nor will I be a "mother to be" -- I am a 30 year old woman that often feels worried sick about her husband and mother, should anything ever happen to me.
I am a constant work in progress - learning how to ride these waves until the storm passes, and hoping for many days of sunshine until the next set of dark clouds start to roll in.
Santa, although I am guilty of occasionally losing my patience, taking my husband for granted, or being sassy with my mom - I promise that I have tried my best to make it on your "good list" this year. I have tried to be positive and optimistic, open-minded and understanding, hopeful and grateful - each and every day. I have tried to be a good wife, daughter, sister and friend. I have tried to live each day to the fullest, to restrain myself from useless complaints, and to appreciate all of the blessings in my life and in doing so, take the focus away from the many hardships our family continues to face.
So, if I may ask for just one thing this year, Santa...I am please asking (or more like begging) for a good report from my scans on January 3. I would please LOVE clean scans that show no new growth of this disease, so that I may continue to enjoy this beautiful life. That I may continue to live each day with the same quality of life that I experience now. That I can continue to strive to reach my dreams with Mike. So I can watch my friends children grow up, and so I can be here to take care of my parents one day instead of them taking care of me - that's just not the way it's supposed to work.
Tomorrow morning I will wake up next to my best friend, and feel the weight of my pup at my feet, and I will smile like I do each morning. A smile of thanks for another day. As I make my way to the family room, I won't expect anything from you under the tree. I will hold out hope that the one and only gift I truly pray for will arrive next week in the form of a good report from my oncologist, Dr. F.
Thank you for listening, Santa.
Merry Christmas to you and to all of those that I love.
My blog to keep you all