Oh, so many things are on my mind lately and I'm sifting through what is blog-worthy today. :) Recovery from Round #4 has continued to go well and although I had a minor crash of exhaustion after the excitement of last weekend, I have still been pleasantly surprised at how my body has handled chemo this time around. I continue to battle the fatigue on a daily basis and try not to let it frustrate me too much. There are so many other little changes that have been going on with my body as these toxins circulate through my bloodstream - things you never realize or think about unless you have experienced it yourself. Since beginning chemo, I have either had a constant runny nose or the complete opposite with such a dry nose that it is painful. Sometimes, one side is runny, and the other is dry simultaneously - kleenex in one hand, nasal spray in the other - so weird! The chemo causes some odd changes throughout the nasal cavity I guess. I also get frequent headaches behind my right eye every few days. I experience some unusual visual disturbances at times, such as not being able to focus my vision properly or feeling a sense of strain on my eyes after looking at the computer for even a few minutes. I have also been dealing with quite a bit of back pain and stiffness when I wake up in the morning - to the point that I am nervous to even move because it feels like my back is going to break. A few weeks ago I started to experience some numbness throughout a few of my fingers, my skin has become incredibly dry on my hands and feet, and the ridiculous amount of bruises I seem to acquire take a lifetime to heal. On top of all of that, chemo also causes an increased sensitivity to the sun (as if I didn't have this problem already - red haired & freckled...hello?!), so I have to constantly drench myself in sunscreen and give up any hopes for even a minor tan this summer. Oh, the joys of chemo! None of these things are a huge deal or enough to keep me down, I just wanted to share that to give a little insight into the fact that there is more to chemo than nausea and fatigue. Those of us going through it often have an array of side effects and you just never know what you are going to get. Kind of like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates. ;) Last Wednesday, we celebrated Mike's Uncle Johnny's life at his funeral service and burial. It was a very nice service and although the circumstances weren't ideal, it was nice to see all of Mike's family. Unfortunately, coming from a pretty big family as well as marrying into a big family means that I have attended a lot of funerals in my twenty-nine years. But, this time it was very different. Sitting in the pew next to Mike at the gorgeous Shrine of the Little Flower Church, I was reminded of our amazing wedding day in that very same place - the absolute happiest day of my life. At the same time, I couldn't help but think about my own death and how one day, my own funeral will take place in that very church. I by no means consider myself dying, but when you are diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and told there is no cure for what you have, it is nearly impossible to not let these thoughts creep into your mind. I knew attending a funeral would be difficult for me, and it definitely was. It just hits a little too close to home right now and I couldn't help but think of what that day will be like and how it will possibly arrive decades earlier than I ever thought. I wish I could tell you I didn't think about these things. But truth be told, I think about it way more than I would like. Facing your own death is such an overwhelming, all consuming feeling - it feels like a tidal wave of grief and sadness, where despite your best efforts, you can't seem to find the surface to catch your breath. It is something that I have obviously never come close to experiencing before and a feeling that I can't even put properly into words. It gives you an entire new outlook on life - what's important and what's not - and how to cherish the time you are given. I think we all assume we are automatically given a lifetime of 80+ years on this Earth. The truth is, nothing is promised to any of us and a long life is not guaranteed to anyone. There are times when I still can't fully wrap my head around what is happening. And if I have made it three days without crying, I consider it a success. I am truly not afraid of death, but the thought of leaving Mike, my mom and the rest of my loved ones before I am ready, just breaks my heart. However, I do my best on a daily basis to use the time I am given to live my best life, to tell the ones I love how I feel about them, and to fully appreciate every blessing that is given to me. That is all I can do, because the alternative is to curl up in bed and never climb out - which has never been, nor will it ever become an option for me. Sorry for such deep and heavy thoughts today but these are things that I think about a lot. I have shared some pretty difficult, intense and emotional conversations with Mike, my mom, and some of my closest friends and I always end up feeling better after releasing these thoughts to others. It's incredible how isolating this can feel sometimes because not many people can say they know how you feel, but that's all the more reason why I am so grateful for all of you. Your love and support truly gets me through those tough times and you have no idea how much that means to me. I also want to send a quick shout out to Kara for putting together a great Yin Yoga fundraiser last Friday. It was a fun time and thanks to all of you that were able to be there. I also want to thank our friend, Karen Hiatt for hosting a fabulous Lia Sophia jewelry party fundraiser at her beautiful home on Sunday. We had such a nice time and I can't thank you enough for doing this for me. Mike and I truly have the most incredible friends and family! We have an action packed week ahead including the Rosie O'Grady's fundraiser tomorrow that Stacy put together. See the poster from a few posts ago for details. It should be a great time & hope to see some of you locals there! I have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. B on Wednesday to start the ball rolling with that process, getting many questions answered, and learning as much as I can about what my double mastectomy will entail. On Thursday, I start my first of twelve rounds of Taxol and then we are immediately packing up the car and heading down to Nashville for our good friend Joe's wedding. Although I am not super excited for the 9 hour car ride, I am very much looking forward to exploring Nashville for the first time, spending a weekend with some of our best friends, and of course, celebrating Joe & Lauren's big day with them! We are again keeping our fingers crossed that chemo treats me well, especially since we will be even farther from home this time! I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying your summer so far! You guys blow me away with all of your kind words and support. I am thankful for it each and every day. Have a wonderful week ahead, don't sweat the small stuff, and live it up! :) Looking forward to sharing some pics from Nashville next week! xoxo, Meg Spending a Saturday morning at the Royal Oak Farmer's Market is one of my favorite things to do. This Saturday, I loaded up on all of my flowers now that I am finally feeling well enough to get out in my garden. Yay! Here are some images I captured from the market this weekend... My single, absolute favorite flower - the gorgeous peonies which now have a home on my kitchen table! There was a cute little petting zoo set up across the street at the Royal Oak Public Library for the kiddo's...
29 Comments
Carolyn & Mark Hallgath
6/13/2011 12:17:18 pm
Dear Meghan,
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Dana Dickow
6/13/2011 02:26:32 pm
Dear Meghan,
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stacy
6/13/2011 02:51:38 pm
I always love your art - the sailboat, the girl and the goat, too many cool ones to pick! It's quite a gift you have, woman :) Can't wait to get everyone together for Rosie's so we can raise money to fight this disease! When we fundraise I feel like we are doing something productive to help cure this nasty, ugly, runny nosed, eyeball headached c&*^er! If we could, we'd put every last penny to cure the exact form you're battling for sure!
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Ree
6/13/2011 03:28:34 pm
I am searching to imagine the depth of everything you are living and feeling..you are so profound in your words. makes me understand so much more how amazing and just incredible the depths of the mind can take you into such gratitude of every breath you take..I do realize so many things you must express to move so swiftly as you do thru this fight..you are amazing and i love you dearly..reading everything you wrote is the best testament to survival i have ever read. Iove you megga xoxoxo
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Doug
6/14/2011 01:47:14 am
I continue to be blown away with your honesty, your thoughts, your unbelievable way with words, and the fact that you can tell all of us things that we can only imagine, not really understand. But you find a way to at least give us insight into your feelings, and how you feel physically. Amazing! I love you, girl, and I hope you have a great week (at the pizza fund raiser, the rest of the week and the upcoming weekend at the wedding).
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Melanie
6/14/2011 02:10:27 am
Hey Miss Meg,
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Julie Doman
6/14/2011 07:07:23 am
There is nothing easy about any of this, and your strength is so inspiring. No one is guaranteed a long healthy life and thank you for reminding all of us to enjoy each day and to love each other.
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Chelsea
6/14/2011 10:05:29 am
Meg,
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Aunt Carol
6/14/2011 10:20:08 am
I find myself at a loss for words. You put yours together so beautifully! I wish that I shared that gift with you.
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Melissa Borg
6/14/2011 01:10:35 pm
Meg
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Marty and Keely Daley
6/14/2011 02:38:25 pm
We love you and think of you always.....
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Gina V.
6/15/2011 12:21:35 am
Love you Meghan! You are an amazing woman! Keep on fighting and enjoying your life every day~ you are beautiful!!!
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Tracy
6/15/2011 01:10:32 am
Megs,
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Niche
6/15/2011 01:45:23 am
What I've learned and what you demonstrate is that we are all just doing the best with what we understand. I've been really questioning why certain things happen, but I'm starting to see that despite all the heartbreak and scariness, if we never have these trials and tribulations our character doesn't have the chance to be molded into something so powerful and beautiful- seems like a crazy trade off, but I know I am learning from you, as are so many (MANY!) others, and our appreciation for the little things in life is so much more in tune, with each of your posts,all of your words and messages.
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Niche
6/15/2011 01:46:52 am
P.S. I think Sasha has that same collar as that cute little llama, lol!
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Laura Martin
6/15/2011 05:39:36 am
I think you should become a food photographer...every picture looks so edible and amazing.
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Sara
6/15/2011 10:16:46 am
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Sara Walker
6/15/2011 10:19:49 am
Your honesty is such a wonderful reminder of how precious life is - thank you for sharing this with us. I wish I could take it all away. I am constantly blown away by your strength and reserve to press on. I hope you have a wonderful time this coming weekend ~ you deserve it! Love, hugs and kisses to you! <3
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Aunt Carol
6/15/2011 01:10:19 pm
Hey you guys!
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Deb & Bob Hart
6/15/2011 03:51:19 pm
Thank you for sharing your feelings. There are so many thoughts you share that so many of us would be afraid of revealing. Cancer changes your life in many ways and sometimes just helps you appreciate the little things in life (as well as the big!). You learn to count your blessings every day.
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Elizabeth
6/16/2011 02:27:04 am
Hey Meghan,
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nanc
6/16/2011 04:10:36 am
I always feel that if we can talk about our fears outloud the seem a lot less scary. Keep sharing, you are an amazing writer and we are all learning from you. The pics are beautiful. I think I need to buy a Meg Malley original. xoxo love nanc
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Katie Larsen
6/16/2011 10:35:18 am
Meghan- I just had to say that despite everything, you haven't lost your gift as an amazing photographer, in fact, I think you've just continued to get even more amazing! You and your family are continuously in my prayers.
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Gina V.
6/16/2011 10:39:57 am
Yeeeha! Have a blast my girl! And thank you for all your love to us at this time! Love you!
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Sally
6/16/2011 11:45:56 am
Dear Meghan,
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Kara
6/16/2011 03:59:12 pm
Meghan,
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Michael_T_Malley
6/17/2011 09:40:46 am
Meghan and Mike,
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YaYa
6/18/2011 12:48:39 am
Woke up this morning thinking of you... I'm praying that Nashville is going well. Love you dearly!
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Aunt Mary Jo
6/19/2011 01:30:23 pm
You are a remarkable young woman. When reading your block today, I just had to write you, as I have wanted to do many times, but you have such wonderful family and friends, I felt that was all you needed, however, today I hope that maybe being the oldest (72) of a mother and five siblings who all were cancer patients, I might be able to help your wonderful attitude about your cancer and what it will mean to you. Aunt Maureen was diagnosed when she was about 32 (very, very serious cancer) and lived to be 54 - also a wonderful attitude. Aunt Sheila was diagnosed in her later 40's, Stage 4 cancer and I was there through it all. I was given her pathology report and received it soon after her surgery and truly believed she could not last beyond a year. Now it is 11 years later and she is still with us. When diagnosed and told what was coming, she said to me "I am going to beat this," (recognize it)? Uncle Kevin was diagnosed with cancer about the same time, at the time I was not sure about the outcome, and as you know, he has since had other cancers, the first diagnosed in 2000, he is still with us, again a wonderful attitude about beating it. You know Aunt Erin's history, and again, a wonderful attidue. Your grandmother was never a healthy person, but she also had a wonderful attitude and when diagnosed with cancer, lived another maybe10 years. Uncle Pat was not that blessed, but it was many years ago and treatment and medication were not as great as they are now. I hope I gave you something that would help you feel some good news.
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