Well, it looks like I am starting to return to the land of the living...(very) slowly but surely. I finally started to feel better this past Tuesday, and I couldn't be more grateful. It truly felt like it was never going to happen. Each day since then, I have started to feel a little bit better than the day before but it is amazing to me how drained and exhausted I feel even though I do nothing but lay around all day. It's the craziest thing and I have to try very hard not to let it frustrate me too much. I have never in my life spent this much time doing nothing, staying indoors, and actually staying in bed or on the couch all day. I can tell I am feeling better because I have started to feel very antsy and bored. Last Monday I wasn't able to go to see Dr. M as I had hoped because my drains were still collecting way too much fluid to have them removed. I was super bummed but hopeful they would be out in the next day or so. On Tuesday, I headed to Beaumont to see Dr. R, the physical medicine and rehabilitation doc. He checked out my range of motion, measured me to make sure I wasn't showing signs of lymphedema, and we discussed the possible reasons why I had been feeling so awful. Overall, he said things looked good but unfortunately, I couldn't really start doing much movement with my arms until the drains came out. This is yet another reason that I have been frustrated by these suckers because the longer they stay in = the longer I have to wait to start moving my arms = the tighter my pecs and shoulders become = the more difficult my recovery will be to regain full range of motion and strength. But, I have tried to be patient and respect my body's healing process. This has been a tough one for me as I have often joked with Mike that there is no way I could ever be a teacher like he is because patience has never been my strong suit. ;) Luckily, by Wednesday morning my left drain had really slowed down and I was able to get it removed. YAY! This means I can now lay on my left side without too much discomfort. I figured that the right one would at least be out by Friday, but unfortunately this bugger is still in and draining a lot! I can't believe I am going on 3 1/2 weeks since surgery and it's still in. I did receive my first fill of my tissue expanders on Wednesday in the hopes that it would slow down some of my drainage. Imagine having a balloon (but one that feels like an aluminum can) underneath your pec muscles and then having someone inject saline into it while you feel it expand within your chest. It's the oddest feeling - and not the most comfortable to be completely honest. I will continue to go in weekly for my fills for about 6 weeks until the tissue expanders are completely filled, at which point I will begin radiation. So, I am planning on heading back to the doctor tomorrow in the hopes of receiving another fill to slow down this drainage. The theory is that the fluid will continue to collect and drain as long as there is space to do so - if we fill that space by filling the expander, then the drainage will hopefully slow down. I also had to head over to Karmanos' Weisberg Center on Wednesday to get my monthly shot of Zoladex (the med that shuts my ovaries down and puts me into premature menopause). While I was there, I helped represent breast cancer patients as the Detroit Red Wings presented Karmanos with a check for the money they raised during their Breast Cancer Awareness Game. Former Detroit Red Wing, Chris Chelios was there representing the Wings, in addition to Nick Karmanos, Vice President of Karmanos Cancer Institute. Myself and two other young breast cancer survivors posed with Chris and Nick while holding a banner signed by the entire Red Wings team and hundreds of fans. We were photographed and interviewed by our local ABC and FOX affiliates. Unfortunately, I missed the clip of us on the news that night but some of my friends caught it. It was a fun thing to be a part of and neat to meet Chris Chelios. I have continued to battle fatigue since the surgery, so the rest of the week was spent laying pretty low. A few visits from friends was really nice and helped distract me from these walls that I feel are closing in on me. On Saturday night, I finally busted out of the house for the first time in 3 weeks for something other than a doctors appointment or support group meeting. Mike and I headed to the movies and it was so nice to just have a change of scenery for a few hours, and go on a date with my cute husband.
I am hoping to head back to Dr. M's office tomorrow morning to get another fill for my tissue expanders which will then hopefully slow down the drainage...keep your fingers crossed! I want to give a special thank you to Aunt Bridget for driving me to my appointments this week and for sitting outside with me after I realized I locked myself out of the house. :) Also, to my wonderful next door neighbor, Teri for cleaning up all of my flower beds in the backyard. She spent this afternoon pulling weeds, cutting back perennials, digging up my annuals, and sprucing everything up - it looks wonderful and I am so grateful since I can't get out there and do it myself this fall. I truly appreciate all of the well wishes, words of encouragement, and prayers I have received over the past couple of weeks. This has been one of the most difficult times I have had along this journey since my diagnosis. I am grateful to be feeling better but it's an extremely slow process and it's a huge reminder that as strong as I think I am, that can change in the blink of an eye. I hope to update you all soon with nothing but good news of healing and the removal of this last pesky drain! xoxo, Meghan
25 Comments
This has been one hell of a week - literally. It's actually been even longer than that. I have been feeling awful nearly every day since the Friday after my surgery, ten days ago. I felt like a million bucks the week following surgery compared to how I have felt this past week. I have experienced everything from pain, soreness, fever, vomiting, body aches, migraines, nausea, and numerous GI issues that I will spare you the details of. I have only left the house twice in ten days (once to the doctor, and once to my support group), and I even spent three straight days completely in bed. This is by far the worst I have felt since that first round of chemo when my blood pressure plummeted for days.
The week after surgery, I was so surprised at how well I was doing. My first trip out of the house was to see Dr. F, my oncologist, for my routine follow-up that Thursday, which was six days post-op. Dr. F was very pleased with how well I was healing and how I was feeling in general. To be honest, I don't even remember everything we discussed because that day now seems like a lifetime ago. What I do remember is that after some discussion back and forth, I decided to get the flu shot. I have never been a fan of the flu shot because I never would get one and I would never get the flu - so I figured, why bother. Well now that I am still a bit "immunosuppressed", I wondered if I should get one. I still said, "watch, if I get a flu shot - I will get the flu", but I figured that I should be on the safe side and get it. Dr. F left it up to me but said that it wouldn't be a bad idea. My blood counts were in the safe range to get it if I wanted to. So, I went ahead and got the flu shot. This is what unfolded in the days to follow.....
So, I apologize for the delayed post, for not responding to emails or phone calls. I just haven't had the energy to do it. I am beyond grateful to my mom, Mike, and Doug in particular for being here with me day in and day out and doing anything they could to make me comfortable. Thank you to my brother for spending the day with me today and for my friends and family that have been checking on me. I am praying that I feel much better this week. I have doctors appointments on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and on top of that my mom and Doug are out of town for the week so I am on my own during the day. I am so thankful for our army of supporters that will still be here to drive me to appointments and check on me when Mike is at work. Please keep the prayers coming because I know I am not in the clear yet. Once this tummy settles down and I can get these other drains removed, I am sure I will feel like a brand new woman - I cannot wait! As a side note...My amazing Momma's birthday is this Tuesday, November 1. Mom- I am so sad that I won't be with you on your birthday this year. But please know how much I love you and how grateful I am for you. In the past two weeks alone you have held my hand as I went into surgery, kissed my forehead as I woke up from the anesthesia, bandaged my incisions, administered my medicine, helped me get out of bed, bathed and dressed me, rubbed my back as I vomited, massaged my legs when they ached, and dried my tears as I cried out in frustration and sadness. And yet that is nothing compared to all you have done for me throughout the past 29 years. I love you so much and hope this birthday is the start of a happier year because you deserve it! I hope you have a wonderful day and are reminded of all of us that love you very much. xoxo, Meg Thankfully, the Thursday after surgery before the flu set in, Mike and I were able to meet our adorable little Goddaughter. Sweet baby Alice was welcomed into this world on Tuesday, October 18 and we couldn't be more honored that our friends, Mike and Katie asked us to play such an important role in Alice's life. ♥ I was going to title this post, "Say hello to my little friends..." Haha, get it?! You have to say it in Al Pacino's voice from Scarface. I thought that was pretty funny considering I now have two new "friends", if you will. ;) But in all seriousness, I am doing just fine and wanted to get a quick update out to everyone to let you know that. Here is a pic from a few hours after surgery just to prove it to you.... The surgery went very well, without any complications and both Dr. B and Dr. M were very pleased. Surgery lasted almost 4 1/2 hours and then I spent another 2 hours in recovery while I came out from the anesthesia. After seeing the fam for a few minutes, I was transferred over to my room in another area of the hospital. I was still a little out of it so I felt a little confused when I heard Mike and my mom get all excited upon meeting someone in the hall heading down to my room. I remember asking the person pushing my stretcher who the woman was that they were talking to, but she didn't know. Well, a few seconds later when they all walked in the room, I realized what the excitement was about. It turned out that my nurse for the rest of the day was a friend of ours! Our friend, Hayley is married to one of Mike's good friends from college. I knew Hayley was a nurse at Beaumont but I didn't realize she worked in the unit where I would be, and I definitely never expected her to be my nurse. I was so happy to see her and to know that my nurse would be taking extra special care of me. There is a running joke between some of my friends - they say that Mike and I seem to know everyone and are running into someone we know everywhere we go - so I know you guys will find this story especially funny. Well, of course Hayley took exceptional care of me and she is now elevated to an entire new level of friendship after doing things like emptying my Foley catheter bag. ;) Thank you so much, Hayley! It felt so wonderful to come out of surgery and see a familiar face taking care of me and I am so glad it was you. My other nurses and aides were great too, and I felt like I received wonderful care at Beaumont. After sleeping for another few hours after surgery, I finally woke up and became lucid enough to see how I looked and gave myself a chance to see how I really felt. I definitely felt sore and had some pain but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I remained in bed the rest of the day and night, with my arms supported on pillows and as long as I didn't move, I felt nearly pain free. Mike, Mom, Doug, Jeff and my father in-law, Mike were all there to spend time with us and keep me company. I didn't get much sleep Friday night in the hospital due to nurses coming in to give me pain meds, change my drains, take the catheter out, get me up to the bathroom, etc. Mike slept like a baby in the chair next to me. :) After Dr. B and Dr. M stopped by to see me in the morning, they said things looked good and I was all set to head home. We left the hospital around 10:30 on Saturday morning. Since then, I have spent all day and night in our recliner in the family room downstairs. Aside from getting up to go into the bathroom, I have been laying down with my arms propped up, one drain coming out of my left armpit, two drains on the right, and tubes connected to a pain pump coming out from the middle of my chest. Mike and my mom have had to help me get in and out of the chair, and all of the repositioning that goes along with it which includes a pillow behind my head, one under each arm, a bolster under my knees, the two drains and pumped positioned in a specific way and then sheets and blankets on top of all of that. They have both been wonderful and I don't know what I would do without them. I truly don't know how anyone could do this without amazing help like I have from my mom and Mike. I can't move my arms or trunk very much without discomfort but as long as I am just laying in my chair, I am doing just fine. It's crazy how little things like brushing my teeth have become difficult. But, my biggest challenge is going to be respecting the healing process and resting like I am supposed to. I am already getting antsy and a little stir-crazy in the house but I know my body just needs lots of time to rest and recover -I was quickly reminded of that after taking a shower tonight (with a TON of help!) and then feeling like I had just ran a marathon - totally wiped out! Back to the recliner I went.
All in all, I am feeling really good considering everything my poor body has been through lately - I truly anticipated feeling worse - and things look better than I thought too! I can't thank you enough for all of the thoughts and prayers for a safe and successful surgery - our prayers were answered and I am counting on the same for all of the prayers for a speedy recovery. Thank you so much for all of the emails, texts, calls, meals, flowers, cards and deliveries. I truly feel so loved and cared for and that makes getting through these tough times so much easier. A special thank you to my amazing husband and momma - the best caregivers in the world - who seem to always know what I need before I even say it. Please keep them in your prayers as I know this isn't easy for them to see me going through this. xoxo, Meg My life, as I knew it, became dramatically different nearly seven months ago when I received that dreaded phone call. I have had many hurdles laid out in front of me over the past few months and have done my best to take each one as it came, focusing all my energy on crossing that one specific hurdle, before looking onward to the next. It is the only way for me to do it - the only way to survive without being swallowed up in a sea of overwhelming worry and fear of the unknown. Taking one day at a time is the way I try to live my life now. Worrying about the next hurdle in my way only deters me from living in the moment and enjoying this day that God has given me.
So, when people ask me if I have been a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery, the answer is definitely "no". I have not been worried or scared or fearing surgery. I have been busy doing a million other things and enjoying feeling good throughout these past few weeks since I have completed chemo. But once again, my life as I now know it, is about to undergo another major change. And now that this change will be taking place in less than 24 hours, I would be lying if I said I wasn't starting to get a little nervous about it. I knew chemo would make me feel crappy but that would eventually pass - and it did. I knew losing my hair would be traumatic but that it would eventually grow back - and it did. I knew that losing my eye lashes and eye brows would look weird, but that they would grow back - and they did - although they are now falling out again! Darn it. ;) But there is no turning back with this. This is the first real permanent step. When it's done, it's done - and there is no coming back. I am nervous about how I will look, how I will feel, how I will adjust psychologically to losing such an obvious part of my body. But what I really keep thinking about is, "Will it ever feel the same again when Mike hugs me?" Every day before Mike leaves for work, he gives me a hug while I lay in bed - every evening when he gets home, he gives me a huge hug as soon as he walks into the house. It's the way we have always been. And now I fear that the numbness and loss of sensation that accompanies this procedure will rob me of fully feeling my husband's embrace every day. Logically I know that it's not the end of the world if I lose sensation across my chest - but I have learned to really cherish the little things, like the tight squeezes from Mike -and the thought of those hugs never again feeling the same, makes me sad. Tomorrow morning I will be undergoing a right modified radical mastectomy and a left simple mastectomy followed by immediate reconstruction. I won't go into detail about the actual surgical procedure but if you would like to read more about what a mastectomy is, please click here, and to learn more about reconstruction, click here. The surgery will last about 4 1/2 - 5 hours which will involve my breast surgeon, Dr. B performing the bilateral mastectomy followed by Dr. M, my plastic surgeon, coming in after her to start the reconstruction process. There are a few reconstruction methods available, however a few of those did not end up being viable options for me. I do not have enough abdominal tissue to use my own skin, fat and muscle for the reconstruction, which is what occurs during a TRAM flap procedure - the most common type of breast reconstruction. Therefore, after discussing all options with Dr. M, we have decided that the best course of treatment for me is reconstruction with implants. The process is a long one, and not without risks but we are confident that this is the right path for me. To give you a better idea of what will be taking place, here is a rough outline of the steps involved:
Soooo.....do you see what I mean about taking one day at a time? It's just too much to think about otherwise. There are some definite risks to all of this, especially once I have radiation. There is about a 20% chance that the radiation could cause the tissue expander to fail which means I would have to have surgery to remove them and my only available option for reconstruction at that point would be a much more invasive and difficult surgery. Although I am very confident in my decisions and feel in my heart that this is my best course of treatment, it is not without risks and fear - I hope and pray everything goes as well as possible and that we can stick with our game plan. I am asking once again for all of you to rally around us in love and prayer, just like you always do. Please keep all of us in your prayers - not only for me to come out of surgery safely, but also for Mike, Mom, Doug and Jeff as they will no doubt be worrying while they wait to make sure I am okay. Please say extra prayers for Dr. B, Dr. M, the anesthesiologist, nurses, and all other staff that will be part of my surgery and recovery. Thank you so much for the frozen meals, comfy clothes, cards, and well wishes that so many of you have sent during these days leading up to surgery. I truly feel your love and support all around me and that's what will get me through this. xoxo, Meghan ps. Today is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day...there is still such a long way to go to research a cure and more effective treatments for this disease. To get a small glimpse of what metastatic breast cancer is like for the 155,000 of us living with it in the U.S please take a look at this short video http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NM_Sz-ZLt5M I was hoping to leave you with some gorgeous fall pics of my neighborhood but sadly yesterday's rain washed most of the leaves off of the trees. So instead, here's a look at my festive porch :) |
AuthorMy blog to keep you all Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|